If you ever hear me say that I’m not interested in a movie like Dirty Teacher, then just call Area 51. Because I have clearly been replaced by a zombie, an alien, or a Mormon.
Down in the deep gay bosom of my soul, this kind of hysterical trash will always ring a clarion bell. As the drag queens say, I am living for it.
The movie premieres on Lifetime tomorrow night, but for now, watch this trailer, then reflect with me on why Dirty Teacher will be the movie of the century.
Reasons This Movie Will Change Us All
(1) It Is Called “Dirty Teacher” — I’m very busy, and I don’t have time to wonder what my entertainment is about. If they’d called this movie Scandal at Whitman Prep or some bullshit, I might have thought it was about educational ethics. But the title Dirty Teacher tells me right up front that a teacher is screwing her student and she likes it. I respect that. Subtlety is for losers and European auteurs.
(2) Lead actress Josie Davis uses two different baby voices in less than 30 seconds — In the very beginning, when she’s seducing her student with her plastic surgery cheeks and her eerily straight hair, she talks to him in her “naughty girl” baby voice. But then later, right before she runs him over with her SUV, she says “Why didn’t you want me?” in her “wounded girl” baby voice. Or at least I think that’s what she says. Her second baby voice is in fact so babyish that I can’t understand her. That’s the kind of commitment I can appreciate.
(3) People just keep screaming — True artists know that emotional limits are for the weak. If you feel something, then you have to let it out, lest it be ignored. And obviously, there are a lot of emotions in Dirty Teacher. We hear people scream things. We see people screaming while the soundtrack plays over them. At one point, a young lady is even mid-scream when the trailer suddenly cuts her off. When people are shouting so much that even the trailer can’t take it anymore, then you know something juicy is cooking in the Crock-Pot.
(4) Apparently, there’s an endless supply of crazy faces
You saw the girl’s face at the top of this post, right? We’ll call that the Screaming Alien Baby. We also get these…
(5) You just know there’s going to be an awkward sex scene full of tasteful cutaway shots. — So clandestine. So tasteful.
Mark Blankenship wonders if Tori Amos has recorded a song called “Dirty Teacher.” He tweets as @IAmBlankenship