A Lindsay Lohan Comeback: Sign of the Apocalypse or Dawn of a New Day?

We're sick of rumors starting, and we're sick of being quarantined. Is LiLo the Fifth Horseman or the messiah we've been waiting for?

Well, she did it. Showcasing the impeccable timing that made her a millionaire before she was 18 and a has-been by 25, Lindsay Lohan announced to an unsuspecting but captive world that the prophecies were true: She is, indeed, back.
 

The video raises any number of questions: What? Why? When?

To further elaborate, from where is Lindsay is back and to where is she returning? Let’s recall, shall we, the early aughties. Lohan, now a world-weary 33, was a fresh-faced ingenue who possessed that elusive quality we in the biz call “it.”

After a series of memorable turns in The Parent Trap, Life-Size, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Freaky Friday, and, most notably, Mean Girls, Lohan was poised for film superstardom.

Capitalizing on her megawatt fame, she released her first album, 2004’s Speak, which included the all-time bop “Rumors.” She could do it all! Act, sing (ish), dance…

Okay, well, she could do most of it.

Then it all began to unravel, as Lohan became more famous for her shenanigans—racking up an impressive six mug shots in as many years—than her talent. Eventually, her star ceased to rise and all but dimmed into relative obscurity, only to flash from time to time in mediocre projects, such as the instantly regrettable Lifetime movie Liz & Dick.

To say “I’m back” is a bold statement, especially from someone whom we were all hoping would get her shit together—as much as we all might have been complicit in her shit unraveling to begin with—only to see her stumble, usually through her own machinations, time and time and time again.

Hell, if Oprah can’t save your career, who can?

But then again, we’re living in strange times. Just a month ago we were all able to go outside and buy toilet paper with impunity. Now look at us: monsters. Crawling to the window with our unwashed hair and gnarled fingernails grown into claws to silently observe nature, distant and serene, mocking us with its insistence. If Lindsay Lohan can make a comeback at any point in human history, it is now.

Not only does she have the End of Days to usher in all sorts of insanity, but also the strongest intoxicant of all: nostalgia. As with every decade around its 20th-anniversary mark, the early 2000s are ripe for a rose-colored retrospective. We’re already collectively and fondly remembering the movies, music, and style of post-9/11 American life—when anything except gay marriage and a black president seemed possible.

Why else would we kick off 2020 with news of a Paris Hilton documentary? Why the hell do we care what Hoku has to say on this, admittedly, not so perfect day? And Mandy Moore is out here still being sweet as candy.

Apparently, La Lohan is deciding to bless and/or curse us with a return to music—her acting ability having washed up on some distant Mykonos shore. Last year she teased a new song, “Xanax,” and another track, “Back to Me,before yanking it off the interwebs.

A new album was expected at the end of February, and then it wasn’t. But we’ll see if this latest announcement bears any fruit. It may seem like odd timing, but what isn’t odd nowadays? Personally, I’m here for another “Rumors,” or if we’re lucky, another “Bossy”—her last official release, back in 2008.
 

I don’t know about you, but as I’m devoured in a lake of fire, I want nothing more than to chant—loudly and defiantly—”I’m! Just a little bossy!”

Update!:

Lindsay’s going “Back to Me” on Friday:

Gird your loins.

Lester Fabian Brathwaite is an LA-based writer, editor, bon vivant, and all-around sassbag. He's formerly Senior Editor of Out Magazine and is currently hungry. Insta: @lefabrat