The producers of Storage Wars are about to have one bitch-ass Christmakwanzakah. Celebutante Laureate (it’s like the Poet Laureate for celebrities) Lindsay Lohan has a storage unit possibly going up for auction at the end of the month if she can’t scrounge up 16K to cover past-due payments.With this news comes a couple of questions, like:
1a. Lindsay can’t afford 16k?
1c. Didn’t she make a ton for Liz & (Ri)Dick(ulous)?
2. WHAT THE FU*K IS IN THAT STORAGE UNIT
3. Will one of her exes step up to keep old skeletons from escaping?
I don’t care about any of them except #2. Look, I come from a long line of hoarders, but the most interesting thing I ever found in my grandmother’s attic was a mouse trap and $300 in the pocket of one of my grandfather’s old suits. The only things I keep in my family’s storage unit is my failed (but still very creepy) attempt at a porcelain doll collection and the entire series of Dear America and The Babysitter’s Club books I haven’t ironically dragged to Astoria yet. Lohan may only be one biological year older than me, but psychologically speaking, she is my Grandmother Willow.
And so, I present to you a list of treasures I’m sure we’ll be delighted to let Eurotrash/California burn-out-types bid on while we eagerly watch come January. All done in the style of “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…”.
On the first day of Christmas, Lindsay Lohan’s storage unit gave to me…
(1) Pastel-pleated skirt leftover from the Mean Girls costume department/a sleepover with Aaron Carter
(2) MTV Movie Awards, thinly veiled in a mixture of dust, cocaine, and rust.
(3) Skins of Marmoset monkeys, taxidermied into looking like that “See/Hear/Speak No Evil” gang.
(4) Episodes of Ugly Betty on VHS from her 2008 guest-starring stint.
(5) Golden copies of Rumors (only one is real).
(6) People who worked on the film I Know Who Killed Me and haven’t worked since.
(7) Pages of a burn book dedicated to Samantha Ronson.
(8) Different medical explanations of “dehydration” and “exhaustion” signed by eight different doctors.
(9) Pairs of standard handcuffs
(10) Gift certificates to an L.A. Porsche dealer (expired).
(11) Sets of knives- a belated wedding gift to Nick and Vanessa Lachey.
(12) FORTUNE COOKIES THAT ALLOW HER TO SWITCH BODIES WITH ANY OSCAR WINNER FROM 1985 TO 2001.