It’s a Walker family Christmas. Pray for Santa. Join us at 10 PM EST for the eggnog, mistletoe, and recriminations.
We start with Nora, who’s running around the kitchen in a Nora-Panic™. She’s trying to wrap packages and bake Kevin’s favorite cookies, pfeffernusse. I have two words of advice for Nora – Pepperidge Farm! Oh, and maybe fix the level on her hormone replacement patch.
After Nora goes on about finding just the right wine for Kitty’s first Christmas without Dead Robert, Hawk says “you forgot to worry about Justin.” Nora responds “no I didn’t. I’m making him a huge batch of inedible, burnt gingerbread men.”
Nora throws her mits down and exclaims “why am I even doing this? Why am I even bothering with this huge over-the-top extravaganza when I know they all hate it? I know they’re all dreading it. They’re probably making fun of me right now!” Well Finally! Oh wait, she’s talking about her kids, not recappers.
Kevin is giddy about the dime store Santa that is boozing it up at the restaurant. Scotty reveals a Christmas postcard they got from their pals, new parents Cam and Mitch, and he says “that could be us next
Saul hears a familiar voice say hello, and turns around to see Jonathan (Richard Chamberlain). The two make small talk, and then agree to meet later. As Jonathan leaves, Scotty and Kevin break into a chorus of “Hallelujah!”
Sarah is at the radio station, and she’s in her ball-busting, “Joan Crawford at Pepsi-Co”. mode. “Don’t f**k with me Santa!” She complains about everything, especially because someone … put … nutmeg … in the coffee. To top it off, she remembers she has to go home for Christmas, and it’s going to be three days of “stringing cranberries on dental floss.”
Justin (who we haven’t seen in a while) walks up to nurse Megan Faux and apologizes for not calling her in a month. She gives him the brushoff at first, but then Justin gets “the call” to come home for Christmas. Oh I see. Everyone is going to get “the call,” and they’re all going to rush home. Hey, it’s just like in It when everyone was living their lives, and they got “the call” to come home and battle the evil clown creature who wanted their souls. Actually … it is like that.
For some reason, Megan Faux forgives him, and invites herself to the Christmas party, as long as there’s … figgy pudding. FIGGY PUDDING? FIGGY PUDDING? Will there be candy canes and gingerbread, too?
We switch over to Kitty, who’s still busy shagging the cradle with Seth, when she gets “the call.” So the Walkers are the Power Rangers? Kitty admits she’s not looking forward to going home, and asks Seth what his plans are. Seth is about to reveal some deep dark secret when Kitty says “Shhh … save it for later when we need some added drama.”
The gang all arrive home to find a barren Christmas landscape. No mistletoe, no decorations, naked tree. If Bill O’Reilly saw it, his head would explode.
Nora comes in and explains that she’s going away with Hawk, and everyone’s on their own this year. The kids stand there with mouths agape as Nora leaves, until Kitty pipes up that maybe this year they should start their own traditions, and invites everyone over to her house. Kevin responds by inviting everyone to his house, saying it’ll be “bigger and better.” Kitty takes that as a challenge.
Sure enough, Kevin and Kitty are on the phone to each bragging about how their parties are going to be better. Seth comes over to help Kitty decorate her puny tree, and mentions that his favorite fictional character is Charlie Brown. That’s … oddly disturbing.
Justin arrives with little Evan, and Seth seems a bit … startled to see that Kitty has a kid. Justin tells them that the the Christmas Fair was a bust, and Evan didn’t get to meet Santa. But there’s good news …
And now a word from our sponsor
Justin: Actually, we got to write a letter instead. MACY’S has this cool “believe” campaign. For every letter that you bring into MACY’s, MACY’s will donate one dollar to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. So Evan wrote a letter, I wrote a letter, and I wrote a letter for you.
Kitty: And what did I ask Santa for?
Justin: A wireless DVD player, to go with the 52 inch flat screen I asked for … from MACY’S.
When Seth leaves the room with Evan, Justin mocks Kitty for dating a younger man, and tells her that her Christmas decorations suck.
Okay, I know that they’re going for a “Sarah is the Scrooge of this episode,” but ordering Frank to terminate employees two days before Christmas, saying “there’s no room at the inn,” is a bit much. We get it. She needs to be taught a lesson about the true spirit of the holidays.
And who better to teach that lesson than radio hosts Abner and Louise. Louise is an elderly woman, and Abner is … a ventriloquist dummy. They have a show … on the radio. Sarah bites the bullet, and enters their booth to fire them.
Justin arrives at Kevin’s house, and it’s the gayest thing I’ve seen since A Solid Gold Christmas ’83 (and that show had Wayland Flowers & Madam and Laura Branigan singing “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas/Santa Claus is Coming to Town” while wearing a purple bejeweled scarf.)
Kevin says “we’re still waiting on the Kris Kringle cocoa cups,” and he asks Justin what he thinks. Justin takes a look around and says “it could do with a little more sugarplum and a little less … fairy.” Okay, score one for Justin.
Kevin asks “is it the Golden Girls tree toppers?” Ha! Justin says “it’s everything,” and he wants to make a good impression for Megan Faux, He needs Kevin to take it down a notch. Or two. Or fifty.
Nora is having a meltdown. She doesn’t know what to do herself with her kids not calling for help. Luckily, Hawk has a pharmacy in his medical bag, and slips her a “sedative.” Say goodbye to your kidney, Nora.
Kitty is rooting through Nora’s decorations when Kevin comes in and confronts her. They take turns needling each other about who should “carry the torch” for Christmas once Nora is gone, when Kevin brings up the fact that people don’t think he and Scotty are a real family. Kitty says “did you just play the gay card? You come from the most living liberal family known to man. Mom couldn’t be more gay friendly if she twilred a baton up Santa Monica Boulevard while wearing a Cher costume.” Okay, score one for Kitty. She goes on to say that she’s just trying to show her son that they’re still a family even after Robert died.
Kevin says “I’m not allowed to play the gay card, but you can play the widow card?” Kitty calls him a “Christmas crackhead” and tells him to go ahead and have his “two-treed, LGBT, politically correct, don my now my gay apparel, holiday extravaganza without me!”
Nora is tossing and turning in bed, and has a … OMLG, it’s a dream sequence! Yes!
We see Sarah dolled up like a RuPaul.s Drag Race challenge-gone-wrong, and Kevin … Kevin …. Kevin looks like Snidely Whiplash’s stylish brother. Oh, I get it. Nora is that guy from that Jimmy Stewart movie about how wonderful life is, and Hawk is showing her what would happen to her family if she had moved to Boca and never influenced her kid’s lives.
Kevin is married … to a woman, and he has kids (who I think are those twins from The Shining).
Justin is drunk, and actually much more appealing and interesting. Kitty is sour and jobless, and Holly is apparently a movie star who’s the matriarch of the clan.
Scotty is there, too, serving dinner. Kevin salivates over Scotty’s rump roast, and follows him into the kitchen for some private snogging. Nora asks why Kevin’s still in the closet and Hawk tells her that she was never there to help him come out. Kevin and Scotty continue their grope session, But Scotty is afraid they’ll be caught. Kevin says “we can steal away to my old bedroom. I kept all my old toys. You can pin your tail on my donkey.”
Sarah comes in, and Scotty makes a quick exit. She tells Kevin “you’re already being blackmailed by one service provider, you want to make it a match set?” Kevin responds with “philandering isn’t as costly as embezzlement.” Sarah starts talking about “terminating” someone, and after Justin comes in and snorts powdered sugar off the table (yes, seriously), he, Sarah, and Kevin decide to set some dastardly plan in motion.
And what is the plan? Poison! Each of the kids puts a drop of poison in a cup of egg nog, and at first Nora believes that they’re going to poison Holly, but after Holly also drops some poison, Nora realizes that the plan is to poison … her. She wakes up screaming.
Damn, I was hoping they’d continue the dream sequence til we found out what happened to Tommy. They hint at it, saying something indescribably horrible happened, and I think the lines were a subtle dig at Balthazar Getty, who everyone hated..
We finally get back to Saul, who meets Jonathan at his office. Jonathan mentions how long it’s been. “I remember it clearly, I was an insubordinate priest sent to Australia, and you were the young lass who tempted my resolve. Oh wait, that was someone else.”
Saul mentions that he’s HIV-positive, and that he’s had it a long time. Jonathan also has had HIV for years, and Saul helps him to put all the facts together. He’s crestfallen that Jonathan doesn’t remember that they slept together. Saul thought Jonathan was ’the one,” but it obviously meant nothing to him. Jonathan says “if I gave this to you, well, there’s nothing I can say.” It’s a very powerful scene, but jarring coming after Nora’s dream sequence.
We then get scenes of Sarah, Kevin, and Kitty feeling gloomy, and they call each other for support. Kevin says that Walker kids are not the Grinch, they’re the Who’s, and when the Grinch stole all their presents, and they had nothing, what did the Who’s do? Um … suicide pact?
Nora come home to find all the kids there, and they gather around to welcome her home (and Justin and Kevin look amazingly cute in their Christmas sweaters). Kevin offers Nora some egg nog, and she hesitates, then accepts.
There’s a knock on the door, and someone enters, Oh, it’s just the paperboy looking for his Christmas tip. Oh wait, it’s Seth!
Merriment commences as little Evan is forced to listen to the terrifying story of Santa’s renegade elf Splinter, who was doomed to spend every Christmas with a gnarled claw yanking his chain.
Kevin wants to know what’s wrong with Saul, but Saul says he doesn’t want to talk about right now. Hopefully we’ll see that convo down the road.
Everyone ooh’s and aah’s when Scotty brings in … wait for it … FIGGY PUDDING!
Kitty tells Seth “okay, now’s a good time to spring your surprise on me,” and Seth tells her the horrifying story of the Christmas that his dad disappeared. A few weeks later, a horrible smell came from the chimney … oh, and his mother is Dean Whitley, who is … Kitty’s boss. He didn’t tell her because he wanted to get laid a few times first.
Saul makes a speech reminding everyone of their Jewish blood, and then sings a Jewish prayer. The episode ends with a montage of happy Walker Christmas scenes.
So that’s it til the new year. Hopefully in the last half of the season we’ll see Kevin and Scotty take more steps toward adoption, Saul get a boyfriend (who stays around), and more beefcake for Kitty to sleep with.