“Magic Mike XXL” Is The Hottest Terminal Illness Road Trip Movie You’ll Ever See

Okay, here’s the thing. I haven’t actually seen Magic Mike XXL, nor do I intend to, but I think I know enough to … make an educated guess.

*SPOILERS!* Don’t read any further if you don’t want to know the probable plot to this summer’s hottest ticket!

As the movie opens, we get reacquainted with Mike, just a steel town boy on a Saturday night.

Unfortunately, the toxic aroma of sweat, taco dip, and Jai Karate oozing out of his pores attracts unwelcome visitors – DEADLY KILLER BEES! He tries to escape their attack …

Tragically, he’s stung. Being highly allergic, he’s rushed to to the hospital and given the bad news. The bee venom is slowly spreading throughout his body, and will eventually reach his heart, causing instant death. The grim diagnosis gives him two weeks to live. He tries to come to grips with his impending demise, hoping that rubbing his head will slow down the fatal venom journey.

Meanwhile, as word spreads of Mike’s tragedy, his fans around the world react in unison.

Faced with his mortality, Mike decides to spend the last days of his life with that tried and true time-honored movie tradition – The Fatal Illness Road Trip! He says goodbye to his female love interest, who is never to be seen again.

Mike decides to recruit two old pals for his cross-country croak tour. First up is Big Dick Richie, who has fallen on difficult times since the first film. Mike finds him living in squalor, forced to stand by the side of the road with the sign “Will show pubes for food.”

Richie eagerly accepts Mike’s invitation, and the two of them seek out Ken, who’s been working part-time at the West Hollywood Library

While training for the Golden Gloves.

With the three of them reunited, they set off on their adventure, as Mike decides to visit the place where it all began, Mecca For Male Strippers, the Chippendales Museum. The fun and frolic stretches across the country, until the bee venom gets closer to its target, and Mike starts exhibiting bizarre and horrific side effects.

The shock of Mike’s degeneration hits all the guys hard, until Richie has a very public breakdown, unable to accept that his bro is soon to kick the bucket.

His freakout finally provides him the emotional release he’s been seeking.

As the guys reach their destination, they come to a horrible realization. They traveled all the way across the country to the wrong Chippendales Museum

Unable to continue any further, Mike decides to spend his last few hours helping those less fortunate.

Mike passes away peacefully, and his friends reflect on everything he has meant in their lives.

To honor his memory, they decide to come clean and tell the truth. They’re in love with each other! They have hot sex for the last thirty minutes of the film. THE END.

80's Pop Culture Expert, Shooting At The Walls Of Heartache.