Tonight, fifty pairs of platform heels in Las Vegas will be “walking on air”, strapped onto “…the fairest of the fair” as the halls of the PH Live fade behind a smog of glitter, hairspray and pantyhose.
No, it’s not an episode of Drag Race — it’s the 2013 Miss America Pageant.
There they’ll be, in all their glory, parading around in swimsuits, daring to bare their talents and knowledge of current events while trying to avoid being cast on the next season of The Bachelor by host Chris Harrison. While we can only hope for a treasure like the one seen at last year’s Miss Universe pageant:
But in lieu of an embarrassing/incomprehensible speech, it might be worth watching in case any of the following happen to take home the tiara.
1. Miss Alaska
A. Her name is Debbe Jo, which is amazing.
B. She is rocking a pixie cut! I have never seen a Miss America contestant with a cropped ‘do.
C. She shaved her head for CHILDREN’S CANCER RESEARCH. That’s fucking dedication.
D. Also a great excuse to wear statement earrings, which are always the best.
E. It actually looks like she’s happy to be there instead of trying to look like an airbrushed version of herself. The girl has chutzpah. A+.
2. Miss Montana
A. Alexis Wineman- another great name. Every time she appears onstage it’s just another excuse to get another drink.
B. Lady is the first (known) Miss America contestant to have autism- specifically Asperger’s.
C. MORE STATEMENT EARRINGS.
3. Miss D.C.
Allyn Rose is her name and she has the best resume ever:
A. Her talent is actually ARTISTIC ROLLER SKATING. That is a real thing. She is a former competitive roller skater. Best. Talent. Ever.
B. En route to pursuing her dream of becoming a constitutional lawyer, she’s become a QVC model. That’s right. Your future Miss America might have hawked your mom’s latest cubic zirconia charm bracelet.
C. One of her first pageant wins was at the House of Sweden embassy in D.C.
D. She represents D.C.! They can’t even get a seat in Congress but they still managed to swing a contestant in the Miss America pageant.
4. Miss New York
A. Mallory Hagan, a.k.a. Miss New York and former Miss New York City, is the only contestant with a Tumblr as her first search result. Granted, it hasn’t been updated since June. But still- she has an Instagram!
B. She believes in brunch:
C. She’s from Brooklyn- she could pave the way for thousands of Manic Pixie Dream Girls to become Manic Pageant Dream Girls.
D. Her dream is to become an executive in the cosmetics and fragrance industry, which is a lot more interesting and honest than so many of the teachers/lawyers/doctors who usually inhabit the pageant circuit. Get it girl!
5. Miss Puerto Rico
A. Kiaraliz Medina’s the name, and dancing flamenco is her game. #dancingonherown
B. Or at least it was, until she fell, twisted her ankles, and then FAINTED from the pain. #drama
C. She rocked it with crutches during the swimsuit competition AND still wore heels. She is an inspiration to us all. #hero
D. She’s also super smart, majoring in chemical engineering at the University of Puerto Rico which just sounds awful and very difficult and no fun at all.
E. It’s time for a territory to take the crown, ONCE AND FOR ALL. It’s up to her or D.C. to stake a claim for that damn tiara.