Morning Meme: SAGs Bless The Help, Madonna’s ‘Idol’ Moment, and Katharine Hepburn’s 150 Lesbian Lovers

As you’ve probably heard, Ed Kennedy is on vacation this week. I’m filling his shoes today like a toddler in her aunt’s pumps. Forgive my knock-kneed strut!

Betty White wins a Sag AwardThe 18th Annual SAG Awards sagged it up yesterday: Winners included Alec Baldwin, Betty White, Octavia Spencer, Kate Winslet, Jessica Lange, Modern Family, Boardwalk Empire, and Life Achievement honoree Mary Tyler Moore, who made me want to re-watch Ordinary People. The Help took home the Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Motion Picture trophy over The Artist, and now unloved Oscar statisticians everywhere will speculate whether this dents The Artist’s Best Picture chances. Au contraire, I say; The Artist needed a setback. Now there’ll be a vague sense of triumph when it topples the competition in February. Viola Davis, who took home Best Actress at last night’s ceremony, still has her Academy win locked up, I say. Hope that’s consolation to you weird Help defenders.

Constantine MaroulisAmerican Idol alum and Tony nominee Constantine Maroulis is returning to Broadway (following a national tour) in Jekyll and Hyde, a revival of the 1997 Leslie Bricusse/Frank Wildhorn musical. He’ll be playing Robert Louis Stevenson’s titular duo beginning in October with that hollerin’ Rock of Ages gusto. As if the phrase “American Idol alum and Tony nominee” didn’t give you the chills already.

Speaking of Idol: A teaser of Madonna’s video for her new single “Give Me All Your Luvin'” — God help that title, and us — will air during Thursday’s American Idol. It features Nicki Minaj and M.I.A., which is both exciting and nervous-making. The pop superstar/Japanese beetle’s feature film W.E. also debuts nationally the same day. Be sure to catch that if you enjoy 150-minute De Beers commercials.

Monday mornings are about abject depression, so I hope Vulture’s account of average A-lister spending sprees fits right into your Zoloft-free festivites. How do you even spend $600,000 on a credit card? You can’t tell me Tom Cruise doesn’t enjoy an 80-cent donut and a cheap Chili’s appetizer every once in awhile.

On a more undeniably awesome note, OutServe magazine is highlighting what it calls “the new Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”: transgender service in the armed forces.

None of us are ready for what appears to be the kickass Old Hollywood memoir of 2012: Scotty Bowers’s Full Service details his time running a gay prostitution ring for Tinseltown’s biggest legends of the ’40s and ’50s. Apparently he set up Katharine Hepburn with over 150 female lovers, penciled in some lovin’ for Cary Grant and Rock Hudson, and even hooked up Vivien Leigh with a ladyfriend or two. Cannot wait to get my trembling mitts on this, unless it disgraces my first husband Anthony Perkins.

A few pictures from the set of the new Zac Efron/Nicole Kidman movie (!) The Paperboy have leaked, and guess what: He makes Urban Outfitters plaids look savory. I said it. Can we come up with an amazing Efron/Kidman hybrid title? Like High School Moulin Rouge, except great? There has to be a fine Me and Orson Welles jab here.

Michelle WilliamsMichelle Williams (stop applauding, I don’t mean the one from Destiny’s Child) may take a break from acting “just to be Mom.” And to cope with her extreme allergy to smiles, I assume. Maybe she can get going on ditching Marilyn Monroe and throwing together that Lana Turner biopic I called for.

Remember Blue Valentine, that other Michelle Williams movie about a smile-free romance? The unknown singer of “You and I,” an integral song in the movie’s story, has come forward: It’s Virginia resident Nannie Sharpe, who recorded the tune 40 years ago as part of an group called Penny and the Quarters. Hopefully this garners her some nuzzling from Ryan Gosling and a couple hundred tears from Williams.

I’ll have to remember Kristen Wiig’s idea for an awards show drinking game when I watch the Oscars: Chug every time someone mentions “Scorsese.” I’d probably chug anyway because Hugo  bored me to death. Still rooting for it to win the costuming Oscar, though. Know why? Because the untouchably awesome Sandy Powell, who won a Costume Design Oscar for The Young Victoria, may give another saucy acceptance speech.

Rainn Wilson’s already talking up his Dwight-centric spinoff of The Office. Here’s an idea: Instead of making me view this show, knock me to the floor, slap my bloodied teeth, and strangle me. Thank you.

Has anybody been forced to confess that they’re not caught up on Downton Abbey? I spilled to a room of homosexuals, and they all reacted differently yet dramatically. I think somebody threw a bottle of Pellegrino against a wall and burst into tears. Someone else did a handspring out a window. It’s legitimately out of control.

The fabulous and queer-loving Garbage are reuniting with a new album called Not Your Kind of People. Who can pick a best Garbage song? “Stupid Girl” is just as choice as “Only Happy When It Rains,” “Queer,” “Breaking Up the Girl,” and “I Think I’m Paranoid.” Shirley Manson is the hottest vamp of the Highlands, y’all.

Hey, guess what didn’t bomb at the box office this weekend? The new Katherine Heigl joint One for the Money. I’m always willing to stick my neck out on behalf of Heigl’s comic abilities, but this movie looks like terrifyingly lame Janet Evanovich fare.

Child, the To Kill a Mockingbird Blu-Ray is intimidatingly cool. Gregory Peck’s spectacles jump out at you like real South’uhn injustice!

Now, I don’t suppose we have many Vin Diesel superfans in the house, but when an action star of Diesel’s (physical) stature releases photos of his unthinkably buff arms, we should take a moment to observe.

This is the correct response to a Vin Diesel picture post…

Fredrik Eklund, a.k.a. former porn star Tag Eriksson, is super-confirmed to be one of the new agents on Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing. He looks pretty unimpressed with himself about it. I admit I kinda-sorta dug season two agent Chad Rogers because my crush sweet-spot is seriously “douchebags with a heart of gold.” And because he had a silhouette like Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Tom Servo was a talking gumball machine, by the way.

Sorry, Fredrik’s vacant smile is in need of a mammoth photo-bombing. Meryl Streep plays him in the following fantasy vignette…

While some dude in a suit blabbed about the union merge at the SAG podium, I sat and daydreamed (evening-dreamed?) about Best Supporting Actress Betty White. Though I still refuse to watch Hot in Cleveland. That show is a C+, and everything about Valerie Bertinelli and Wendie Malick demands A+ one-liners.

Have we taken enough time to gaze at Cynthia Nixon’s bald head in the revival of Wit? (Remember, Nixon chose to be bald… and no one gets to define her baldness for her.) ANyway, she debuted on Thursday to raves, and I have to admit: That’s some real baldness going on. Emma Thompson and Judith Light’s baldness seems somehow inferior.

Your living nightmare: Novak Djokovic throws you a sweaty shirt, and an enormous, disembodied hand snatches it from your grasp.

If I understand Game of Thrones’ second season trailer correctly, the show is something like Spartacus: Vengeance for thinking, less violent people. I don’t understand either.

Judging by the trailer for True Blood’s fifth season, which premieres this summer, we’re in for a lot of… boldface words.

Here’s Kim Kardashian on Kim and Khloe Shoot Heroin and Solve Mysteries admitting that her marriage is falling apart. I’m waiting for Kim’s next inevitable confession — that she is made of Nerf.

Happy 38th birthday to Oscar-winner Christian Bale! Get ready to sing your heart out “like you’re gonna live forever.”

And lastly, it is ultra-legendary actress Vanessa Redgrave’s 75th birthday. Since the Academy snubbed her for her towering performance in Coriolanus, I have no choice but to post her unforgettable (and incendiary) speech at the 1977 ceremony. I sometimes pretend Redgrave is a rap superstar and call her “MC Zionist Hoodlum.”