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My Pretend CeleBoyfriend: Newt Gingrich

[caption id="attachment_37807" align="aligncenter" width="607" caption="Let me love you downnnn... Photo Credit: Getty Images"][/caption]

Sometimes every hardworking guy or gal needs a break from the real world, and we at NewNowNext are expert daydreamers! In fact, we're so good at it that we've decided to do your daydreaming for you. Comedian Sara Benincasa is here to walk you through a fabulous fantasy in which one of the world's handsomest celebrity men is yours and yours alone. Read on, and enjoy the trip.

You wake up one morning to find your bedroom covered in diamonds. Literally every surface is encrusted with sparkly gems: your floor, your walls, your lampshade, even the bedspread under which you are snuggled with your handsome naked pretend celeboyfriend, Mister Newt Gingrich.

"Oh, Newtles!" you exclaim, meeting his loving gaze. "You didn't! You couldn't have!"

"I did," he says, his thatchy white tresses casting an ethereal glow in the early morning sun. "I went to Tiffany's and I charged the shit out of all of this. You're worth it, babe." You blush, and he rubs his tummy.

"Don't know about you," Newt says, "But I'm hungry. And as a historian and a thrice-married patriot, I'm well aware of the tradition that hardworking, salt-of-the-earth, God-fearing Christian-Americans enjoy being served breakfast in bed. So don't you move, because I'm about to make us the most delicious meal any Republican presidential candidate has ever made for his or her lover." He throws back the covers, revealing a somewhat-less-meaty-than-in-the-'90s body clad only in an Army-camo Speedo printed with the words "Live hard" across the butt.

As you stretch luxuriously in bed, wincing a few times when you accidentally press your flesh into a pile of sharp diamonds, you hear Newt clanging pots and pans in the kitchen. Shortly thereafter, you smell something burning, and hear a sharp, high-pitched shriek of pain. Then you hear Newt on the phone, yelling, "Get the SERVANTS in here! They'll know what I want!" Two minutes later, three identically dressed, white-gloved waiters enter your bedroom bearing covered silver platters. Newt, still in his Speedo but with his hand wrapped in an ice pack, follows them in, smiling gamely.

"My beloved," he says, "I present to you...my patented Romantic Bacon Patriot American Hero Conservative Delicacy Surprise!" With a flourish, each waiter whips off the lid to his platter to reveal giant piles of...

"Bacon-wrapped bacon!" Newt declares, lifting a piece of the porky concoction and bringing it over to the bed. You close your eyes and tilt back your head as he delivers the moist yet crispy treat straight into your salivating mouth.

"Now you're a real American hero," you whisper, and the waiters shoot each other knowing glances while withdrawing from the room...

Truly, Newt Gingrich is the best pretend CeleBoyfriend ever.

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