Last weekend's Ascension Party on Fire Island was mildly marred by the childish behavior of Nick Gruber, the on-again, off-again lover of septuagenarian designer Calvin Klein.

As we reported, Gruber acted the fool in the party's VIP area, shouting that people were trying to touch him, even though he was straight. Porn mogul Michael Lucas had enough of Gruber's shenanigans that he asked security to show him the door. (Well, it was a beach party, so there was no door. But you get the idea). Lucas posted on Facebook over the weekend:

[Nick]  said, "I am straight, and I don’t want any gay people to touch me.” At which point, I told him “you’re leaving.”

He said, “do you know who I am?” I said, “I don’t know, and I don’t even want to know who you think you are.”

Then he said, “try me.” I said “watch me”. I called over to security and had him hauled away without his feet even touching the floor.

Well, Gruber—or his publicist—came to his senses and apologized:

Dear Michael Lucas:

I am sorry that we had a misunderstanding this past weekend at Fire Island. I did not really understand how a big party like that worked, and when I was asked to leave your part of the party, I definitely overreacted. Please accept my apologies.

I came with my friends Hal Rubenstein and his partner David Nichol, who work on the charity arm of the party (Fund In The Sun), but I didn’t understand that people had paid for separate areas. Their fund has donated $750,000 to charities and is an important not-for-profit so I think it’s great that you supported them by buying a private area of your own. I hope I didn’t spoil anyone’s day. It was a fun and unique party and I was glad to be there.

I hope next time we meet we can have a coffee and I can apologize in person.

Sincerely,

Nick Gruber

Hmm, kind of awkward way to mention the people you were mooching off of donated a big chunk of change, Nick. Maybe your publicist could've worded that better.

But adult-film legend Lucas, never one to just go along to get along, fired back with the most delicious response we've read in months:

Dear Nick—

Thank you for your apology. However, I fear that you have misunderstood why I was offended. The problem was not that you had mistakenly come to the wrong area of the party (and it doesn’t matter to me at all who you came with or how much they donated). Many people knew just as little as you did about how the party was set up, but somehow no one else got into a big argument about it.

The problem was that your behavior was boorish and loudly homophobic. Screaming that you are straight and that you don’t want gay men to touch you would be unacceptable in any social situation, much less a crowded gay party. If you are so defensively straight that you truly can’t bear the idea of gay people touching you, then maybe a crowded gay party might not be the best place for you. Please feel free to write “I am straight” on your forehead and stay home. No one will bother you there, and you won’t bother anyone back.

Best,

Michael Lucas

Tough luck, Nick. You might have wanted to hit Lucas up for a job.

h/t: Queerty