The Grammys are Sunday! And they’re bound to be all wrong. Here’s our last minute wishlist for the big event.
1. Bjork takes home her first Grammy for Best Alternative Album.
I definitely have no idea what Best Alternative Album means anymore, but I need Bjork to win it. Yes, her competitor Fiona Apple had the more unanimously hailed album, but Bjork’s Biophilia is in line with the progressive, one-of-a-kind electronic meditation she’s been dishing since, oh, Debut. It is also so stupid that she’s competing against Fiona Apple when their music is entirely dissimilar. It’s basically like if Lucinda Williams and the Chemical Brothers competed. Or Lily Allen and the White Stripes. Wait, that one actually happened.
2. Carole King defeats Michael Buble and Paul McCartney for Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album
First of all: Carole King released a yuletide album called A Holiday Carole. Can you get over it? I can’t. Secondly, the woman hasn’t won a Grammy since her blockbuster Tapestry garnered her four trophies back in 1971. The woman is a legend! She should have more Grammys than Sheryl Crow! Paul McCartney and Michael Buble, take a seat this year and let the architect of “It’s Too Late” and “Sweet Seasons” win a much-needed notch in her award vault.
3. Rihanna is shut out.
I don’t have anything against Rihanna. I even like “Where Have You Been.” But the adequate solo star mysteriously has six Grammys to her name already, and part of the reason for that is she’s eligible in too many categories thanks to her constant collaborations and genre-crossing. She should be set on Grammys for the next few years. Accordingly, she should leave the “Pop Solo Performance” honors to a woman who, so far, only has a pair of Grammys to her name, Ms. Kelly Clarkson.
4. “Call Me Maybe” wins Song of the Year
Now, I am famously not a huge fan of “Call Me Maybe” and its totalitarian rule over every “Best Singles of 2012” list, but I have to root for its chances in the Song of the Year category. First of all, it’s pretty remarkable that Carly Rae Jepsen’s earworm isn’t nominated for Record of the Year; after all, it’s the song’s production and finesse that listeners crave, not the lyrics and sheet music, which are what “Song of the Year” allegedly commemorates. But maybe this categorical anomaly marks a step forward for the Grammys. Radio catchiness rarely earns a songwriter any props, and maybe “Call Me Maybe” is just as deserving of songwriter kudos as traditional Grammy bait like “Fallin'” and “Need You Now.”
5. Kathy Griffin takes home her first Grammy.
I hope we all realize that Kathy Griffin is not just “the new Joan Rivers” — she is superior to Joan Rivers, and I say that as a devotee of St. Joan myself. Kathy is cannier, weirder, and more extemporaneously hilarious than almost any comic who’s preceded her, and it’s about time she picked up her first Grammy. After all, this is her fifth nomination in the Best Comedy Album category (for her recent disc Seamen 1st Class). When was the last time a woman picked up this Grammy, you ask? That would be 1986, when Whoopi Goldberg took the prize. Come on, Grammys. Rectify this with the right woman. (Though competitor Margaret Cho isn’t a bad option either!)
6. Frank Ocean wins Album of the Year
He’s open about his same-sex passions, his album is the year’s agreed-upon breakthrough masterpiece, and it’s cool to like him. Sounds like a slam dunk from here. If the Grammys were smart enough to award Arcade Fire the night’s biggest honor just two years ago, surely they can do the right thing yet again and honor Frank Ocean for his similarly revered album. It’s the right thing to do, Grammys. Give Frank the gold or look stupid. Thank you.
Our colleagues over at MTV.com have you covered on Sunday with a live Grammy red carpet stream…