Pete and Chasten Buttigieg Erotic Fan Fiction Is as Boring as You’d Expect

"Chasten, I think I'm ready. But there's something that I should tell you."

The internet is a dark, terrifying, godless place, and nowhere is that more evident than in the world of celebrity fan fiction. While these stories of romantic canoodling and sexual conquest are often reserved for your, say, erstwhile boy banders who doth protest too much, aspiring Democratic presidential nominee (and sentient collectible keepsake) Pete Buttigieg is their latest popular subject.

Props to Jezebel’s Ashley Reese for doing the Lord’s work and scouring the dozens of pieces of literary thirst featuring Mayor Pete and his husband Chasten Buttigieg (né Glezman) on open-source fandom platform Archive of Our Own. According to Reese, much like the couple themselves, their fanfic is “overwhelmingly vanilla,” save for “one particularly intense Pete/Chasten/Beto O’Rourke fetish fic.”

Beto, you say…?

So for those of you seeking out some Buttigieg bukakke, take that trash to 4Chan. But if you want to read about “how much the two men love and adore one another,” well, maybe get a hobby. A quick peruse of one of the many Pete/Chasten first-time stories, “Finally,” offers an example of the wholesome relatability of these two squeaky-clean Midwesterners.

Pete took a deep breath and looked at his coffee.

“Chasten, I think I’m ready. But there’s something that I should tell you.”

“What is it?”

“I’ve never done it with a man before. I wouldn’t have the slightest idea where to even begin.”

“That’s alright. I’ll teach you. Have you been tested recently?

“Well… no. I’ve never done it with anyone, I mean, so there’s not any risk that I have an STD.”

“Really?” Chasten regretted the word as soon as it came out. It didn’t bother him that Pete was a virgin, and he didn’t want to sound surprised at the revelation. He wasn’t. He knew that Pete had only recently come out and was a naturally reserved person. But, at the same time, he couldn’t imagine not having sex at his own age of 26.

Next thing you know, Chasten is testing out his gag reflex before the couple profess their love for each other. So hot.

Lester Fabian Brathwaite is an LA-based writer, editor, bon vivant, and all-around sassbag. He's formerly Senior Editor of Out Magazine and is currently hungry. Insta: @lefabrat