“Political Animals” Recap 103: “Queen Sh*t of United States of Elaine-land.”

We kick things off with Elaine giving an award to Supreme Court Justice Diane Nash (Vanessa Redgrave), a former law school professor of her and Bud’s. Justice Nash is the first openly gay Supreme Court Justice, appointed by Bud! He probably did so under the mistaken impression she’d put out. Since this is a series that parallels the lives of real-life political figures, Justice Sandra Day O’Connor Nash has a partner with severe Alzheimer’s, and she’s thinking of stepping down.

At the Washington Globe, Georgia The Blogger tries to get serious and act like a real journalist in a staff meeting. Alex tells her she’s too pretty for the hard news stuff. He suggests she do something on T.J.’s Bar & Grill. Susan smirks with satisfied condescension..

During dinner at Casa Barrish Dougie Crackberries earns another smack on the wrist from Mama Elaine for always being on his cell. If Amy Post or Miss Manners ever retires and Elaine is free, she should totally take over as our nation’s etiquette leader. Elaine tells T.J. & Granny Margaret about running for President… since they’re the only ones in Washington who don’t already know.

Says Margaret: “You’re running for Queen Shit of the United States of Elaine-land.”

Nice supportive parenting, Mags!

Bud strolls in like he still lives there. The fact that Elaine has never changed the locks tells us volumes about their passive-aggressive relationship! Doug & T.J. are strong-armed into going back to North Carolina with Bud to go see the polling wizard they’ve relied on before. It’s implied that Jubal (the pollster) hates Bud because of something he did. (We all know that really means a female someone.) Elaine busts Dougie for giving T.J. money for his bar and restaurant venture. This is not a family big on keeping secrets, is it? Would you elect any of ‘em? OK, Bud can drip his honey on me anytime. He’s that convincing.

Ann is doing what she does best. (Nope, not the Bulimi-impics!) She’s bitching to Doug about Elaine. Doug has little confidence that Elaine will win. (atta boy, show Mama how much you love her!) Calling his fiancée Annie, he gets her all wet in the sushi. “I love it when you call me Annie.” Okey-dokey, they are into the weirdest verbal foreplay. Before things get any kinkier the camera cuts away to…

The White House. President Stud Garcetti & the gay member of the Justice League Justice Nash are meeting. She’s telling him about wanting to retire to be with her partner. The Prez gets the partner’s name wrong (couldn’t you write it on your hand like the guy who sang the National Anthem at the Baseball All-Star Game? Sheesh!) Garcetti, sensing a lifetime tenure solution to a potential political rival, wants Elaine to fill Nash’s spot. And soon. Like, before the next election.

Margaret & Elaine have another loving mother-daughter sitdown. Love Elaine’s dress! We find out Granny gave Elaine a padded bra at age 12 to compete with “maturing” girls—Love. This. Family. All about how inferior children are to their parents. Plus, Granny outdressed Elaine once during a big campaign event—Elaine’s still ticked. Two years later!

We’re out in the sticks (rural North Carolina). Jubal, pollster extraordinaire and Bud Hammond cuckold is the guy Bud’s counting on to help Elaine. Bud wrangles an invite for him and his boys a stay at Chez Cuckold. Susan tells Elaine about the Nash leak Editor Alex told her about as a favor. But she’ll collect, bwawa-ha-haa.

T.J. is smoking. Oh, and he catches a fish too. Bud helps T.J. and Doug flashes back to being blown off by Bud when he wants to talk about Mama Elaine’s Presidential run and Lotus Blossom (Bud’s nickname for Ann, not mine!). At a party just after, T.J. gives Ecstasy to Ann who slips it to Doug (ahem, by mouth). Bi stuff with T.J.!! Back to the present, Doug drops his Crackberry in the water. Offscreen, over a steaming cauldron, Mama Elaine cackles with glee

Elaine & Justice Nash have a chit chat. Elaine’s all, “Why didn’t you tell me about you’re being kicked out by Garcetti?” Nash tries to talk Elaine out of running for President—by taking her place on the Court.

Alex tries to “boss” Susan, but she’s not interested. He wants to hook up later too, but she invokes the “I don’t sleep with guys who cheat on their slutty current girlfriends with not that slutty ex-girlfriends” clause.

Doug flashes back to an interview Bud did with a female reporter. Bud (to camera): “You heard me right. I said penis.” Watching the TV post-Ecstasy sex with Ann, Doug puts his head in his hands.


At Casa Barrish, Granny chats up Elaine while girl’s just trying to catch a smoke. She reluctantly “supports” Elaine in her run for President. At Casa Cuckold, Doug busts T.J. doing drugs instead of “cleaning fish” like Bud told him earlier.

Doug whines and sobs to Bud that he tried and tried to help Elaine win the Presidency, but Bud f*cked it up. Bud says yes he did. But did he do it on purpose? Hmmm…

Susan & Alex are knocking down the knickknacks (Banging on the furniture—no that’s not a euphemism.) Meanwhile, Elaine and Nash have another chat about Elaine’s future Presidential run. Elaine says I better win or else. (Cue ominous organ music) And I will name your replacement when I win—then you can go away and hold hands with your partner, if she still remembers you.

In a powwow with Bud and Dougie, Jubal says Elaine can win if she gets three states. Oh, and another piece of advice from Jubal and his magic spells—Bud, try to stay the hell out of Elaine’s campaign if you want to help her! Jubal says Bud “threw himself on tracks”—messed up the interview to help Elaine avoid being destroyed in California primary. Also we find out the interviewer was a lesbian who was traumatized by hearing the word “penis.” Dougie’s all, “Oh, I get it now,” to Bud and they make up (not in a metrosexual way) with Bud being his shrewd ol’ self and strategizin’ how to help Elaine win.

Georgia’s cryin’ cuz Alex dumped her. Susan actually gives her useful advice. “You’re so nice to me.” “I’m not so nice.” (Cuz you a bitch girl and we wouldn’t have it any other way.) Elaine shows up with a cup of coffee and asks her out! (To a “power walk!” OMG OMG if I was a 12-year old lesbian I’d be soooo excited right now. Like Kristen-Stewart-asked-me-out excited.) I am totes changing their Facebook status from “It’s complicated” to “In a relationship.”

Elaine: “I’m looking forward to spending time together.” Female ho-yay!

Susan gets a text from Doug and meets him. He tells her to pretend he didn’t say anything. Susan says sure and then squeezes his balls (Finally found a way to work balls into this recap!) When Elaine does run, she wants to know everything. From Doug. Even if she poops.

So what do you think of this week’s episode?