HBO recently announced that its long-running vampire sex comedy True Blood will be back for a seventh season of Southern-fried, fang-bangin’, bloody-merkined fun. The show has taken some unexpected turns in the past few years (especially to people who have read the books), so it’s hard to predict what the hell Sookie, Billith, Eric, and the rest of the Bon Temps crew will be up to next year. Fortunately, we have degrees in Advanced Predictology and are expert at divining the future arcs of aggressively ridiculous episodic supernatural dramedies.
Here are our predictions…
1. Merlotte’s Will Be Home Base Once Again
At last week’s Comic-Con panel, new showrunner Brian “Bucky” Buckner (who stepped in to replace Mark Hudis, who replaced Alan Ball) indicated that he wasn’t happy with the show’s six-ways-’til-Sunday feel, and will be bringing things back to Ben Temps with fewer story threads: “You’re going to feel that the show is going to return back to its roots and be about this gang of people living in Bon Temps. We’re going to try and condense the number of stories we’re telling and really make this feel like we’re going home.” In other words, forget Dallas, screw Shreveport, and pretend Hotshot ever happened – and let’s hope that this means that the Merlotte’s pool table will once again be mission control for the gang’s goings-on.
2. Everyone But Lafayette Will Get Laid
Let’s do the math on sexy-times, shall we? And these are conservative estimates:
Yes, even coppertopped fusspot Arlene Fowler and grumpy lawman Andy Bellefleur have gotten more tail than poor gay ghost-lisperer Lafayette Reynolds (Nelsan Ellis). Can’t they throw him a little beef to nibble on? And no, I’m not counting the tricks from his hooking days, because a gurl’s gotta eat. Hunty.
3. Someone Will Mess Up Sookie’s Kitchen
It simply would not be a season of True Blood without Sookie having to get out the Comet and fixin’ to show that linoleum who’s boss. As I’ve maintained from Season 1, True Blood really is at its heart just a story of a simple Southern girl trying to keep her kitchen clean.
4. Bill Compton Will Become President of the United States
Now that Vampire Beel (Stephen Moyer) is a henley-happy demigod, it only makes sense that this former politico (remember that half-second when he was King of Louisiana?) should become the first ever Vampire President. If you don’t count George W. Bush. Also consider the show’s rather obvious attempts to parallel various civil rights advances in our country with… well… werewolves and shit. Plus, this show has been so obsessed with politics for the last three seasons that it is one frantic Tweet away from qualifying for a crossover episode with Veep.
5. Alcide Will Get Sent to Obedience School
Seriously, what the f*ck have they done to his character this season?! Here’s to hoping that Alcide (Joe Manganiello) backs down from being packmaster and goes back to being the cuddlepuppy that we came to know and love.
6. Sookie Will Get a New Job
I know I said earlier that Merlotte’s would once again be the clubhouse for the gang, but something tells me that Sookie’s (Anna Paquin) tenure as a waitress is over. Maybe it’s the fact that she hasn’t shown up to work in about a year? Anyway, back in the very first episode of the show, when Bill asks Sookie “what she is,” she responds, “I’m just a waitress.” Since then we’ve seen Sookie develop from a doe-eyed, short-shorted girl into a homeowning, finger-laser-shooting modern woman; it would be natural to see her also advance in her career. Of course, it would be great to have her back at Merlotte’s at happy hour every now and then for some of Lafayette’s Cajun Margaritas.
7. No More Fairies
And no, this isn’t just a personal wish – if you look at the trajectory of the show’s fae quotient, it has gone pretty much like this:
Season 1: 1 Faerie – No faeries but Sookie (who didn’t know she was a faerie)
Season 2: 3 Faeries – Add Barry the Faerie and Hadley (who don’t know they are faeries)
Season 3: 5 Faeries – Add Claudine and Hadley’s kid; Sookie learns she’s a faerie (“How f*cking lame.”)
Season 4: Infinity Faeries – FAERIEPALOOZA
Season 5: Infinity +1 Faeries – FAERIE LILITH FAIRE
Season 6: 3 Faeries – All the faeries die but Ben and Sookie and Andy’s one daughter with the four names
Season 7: Back to… 1?
Here’s my idea: Why can’t Sookie hook Barlow up with ABCD Bellefleur, they can zap off to the graveyard with chandeliers, and we can all call it a day with this silliness?
So those are our seven predictions (also: I don’t see Sarah Newlin surviving the season, sad to say, now that she’s the acting Big Bad, but that’s just a wild guess). What do you think next summer has in store?