These women THINK they're enjoying Pride. But let's just hope they brought extra lip balm...

OK, people. Pride season is upon us!!!! That means that more than a few of you will be hitting the streets of your locality to watch parades, attend street festivals, cram into bars (or sidewalks around bars) to celebrate our community's historic strides, to steel our collective nerves for the battles we still have to fight, and to pay homage to the LGBT pioneers who helped pave the way for us all.

AND, also… You're probably going to be drinking, partying, parading, chasing hotties, flirting, walking for miles and miles, running yourself ragged, getting tired and then squabbling with your friends over which bar to cram into or which go-go boy/girl to tip.

But no worries!!! You can handle it. And we’ve whipped up a quick little cheat sheet of tips to help you have a safer, sassier Pride. Most of this is common sense, but it never hurts to re-state the obvious sometimes. Besides, I know how you people are. One look at some gyrating hottie sailing by on a disco float and all of your common sense flies out the window.

It's a cute look, and they brought some cheese to snack on, but will their feet be HATING them later?

So here we go…

Yup... Spraying on the SPF is crucial, y'all.

WEAR SUNSCREEN

This is a no-brainer, people. June is a wonderfully summer month, usually packed with sunny days just made for celebrating and prancing around. But children, in addition to being a warming source of life and light, the sun is also a burning, punishing cancerous orb of death. PUT ON SUNSCREEN! Seriously. Your fried, wrinkled leather skin will thank me later.

On a hot Pride Sunday, water is your friend. Drink some, or just get into some...

HYDRATE

If you’re going to be slamming cheapo margaritas from plastic cups on a street corner, or setting up camp at the beer-sponsored disco tent at PrideFest, more power to you. But do yourself and tomorrow’s hangover a favor and sneak in a sip of water in there from time to time. It’s gonna be hot and sexy out, and crumpling over into a heap as you pass out from dehydration is so not going to impress that visiting hottie from Venezuela you just met in line for the port-a-potty.

You can "paint" with all the colors of the wind, as long as you play safe kids!

WRAP IT UP!

Rather than save this one ‘til the end, I’m just gonna come out with it. If you hook up, use a condom. And you know there will be 20 different AIDS-prevention groups or health organizations giving out free ones at Pride. Stock up! Fill your pockets! Then boink safely til the cows come home. Your gay forefathers and faerie godmothers who were tossing bricks at cops at Stonewall were fighting for your right to be a big Pride Sunday slut. Don’t disappoint them by having unsafe sex, aight?

TRAIL MIX

Trust, it’s not just for annoyingly crunchy camp counselors from Vermont who wear sport sandals. Trail mix is your friend and can help sustain you when you’re feeling woozy from to much parade-watching in the sun and not enough real food or shade. Face it: Crunchy nuts and dried fruit are your friends.

LIP SERVICE

This is sort of akin to the sunscreen tip, but hello – protect your lips. Put on lip balm. And then carry a backup stick of the stuff (Yes, I’m telling you to bring two!), because invariably you’ll offer yours to someone and they’ll steal it and you’ll never get it back.

'Nuff said.

DON’T WEAR A FANNY PACK

This is just a vain fashion tip that has nothing to do with safety, but it must be said: No one in the history of mankind has ever looked cool wearing a fanny pack. And you’re not going to change that. Call me shallow but if you want to get laid, ditch the granny pouch. If you need something to carry your gear in, bring a sensible canvas shoulder-tote and just get over yourself. Your sex life will thank me.

Um, wait. I thought YOU brought the Purell...

HAND SANITIZER

I never use the stuff because the clinical smell and just all-around weirdness of the no-soap-or-water hand-sanitizing gel skeeves me out. But after leaving a truly hellish public restroom or portable toilet which reeks of all the poops ever taken, even I welcome a little sticky chemical residue on my hands for the sake of cleanliness. Buy a little bottle of the stuff and keep it clean!

Trust. This will totally come in handy.

LITTLE SQUARE PACKETS OF TISSUES

I totally feel like grandma with this tip, but when you’re having to squat in the bushes, or when you finally get into that overused Dunkin’ Donuts bathroom just off the parade route only to find that ALL THE TOILET PAPER IS TOTALLY GONE, you’ll thank me. Carry one of those little rectangular packets of 10 facial tissues. You’ll never regret it.

You might want to break that wad down before you tip the go-go hotties... Just sayin'.

CA$H

Yup, we all live on our debit and credit cards 24/7. But have about $60-100 with you when you head out for your Pride Sunday adventures, just in case. Besides, once you spend a few bucks, you’ll have singles to stuff into the skivvies of some go-go hottie gyrating above you on the bar as you wait 25 minutes to order the worst strawberry daiquiri you’ll ever have. (Pssst, you’ll need cab fare to avoid the obvious walk-of-shame stroll home in the morning. And not all cabs take credit cards. Just sayin’…)

GUM/BREATH MINTS

Trust me, it never hurts. For you, or your prospective paramour.

WEAR SENSIBLE SHOES

Honey, if you want and can spend hours prancing around divinely and gymnastically on 6-inch heels, more power to you. But don’t whine to me when you can’t walk another step. And yes, the next bar you’re going to is always going to be just five more blocks away (I promise!). Wear good supportive sneakers, okay. And trust, high-tops and short-shorts are THE look this summer. Turn it!

If you see this, your Pride just ended. So be prepared.

CHARGE YOUR PHONE, QUEEN!

Don’t even think of leaving the house with your phone not fully juiced. You will be sending 9,000 text messages today trying to locate people, and you’ll be snapping photos galore, and updating your status constantly as your day (and your sobriety) unravels. So make sure you have 100% battery power before you leave home. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on that spur-of-the-moment invite to the last-minute Pride party where you’ll meet the love of your life. Seriously, the happiness of the rest of your life depends on this.

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS…

Do be sure to grab some extra condoms when they’re handing them out, OK? Please?

Better yet, if you've not been tested in a while, do yourself and your body and mind the service of going and getting tested, just so you're sure to be taking care of yourself. HIV is still a huge issue, and you can't take care of yourself properly if you don't know your status.

Visit TreatHIVNow.com for a searchable database of testing resources and AIDS service organizations near you. (And be sure to scroll down the page once you're at the site. The "city" and "location" blank may be hard to see at first.)

Thanks! And Happy Pride!!!!