Forget “Happy Birthday”: Sing These Gay Songs While Washing Your Hands

Ward off coronavirus in the queerest way possible.

By Jeff Taylor and Sam Manzella

One of the steps health officials are encouraging the public to take in light of the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic is regular hand-washing for at least 20 seconds. That is roughly the amount of time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” twice.

But there are only so many times you can do that before getting bored of it, which is roughly once—I mean, who are we even singing “Happy Birthday” to, our own hands? The soap? The sink? Come on, y’all. We can do better.

To that end, here is our list of catchy choruses we all know and love that you can sing instead during those 20 seconds. Why not keep the coronavirus at bay in the queerest possible way?

Gloria Gaynor — “I Will Survive”


This suggestion comes recommended by the queen herself.

Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
And I’ve got all my love to give and I’ll survive
I will survive, hey, hey

Prince — “Raspberry Beret”

She wore a
Raspberry beret
The kind you find in a second hand store
Raspberry beret
And if it was warm she wouldn’t wear much more
Raspberry beret
I think I love her

Dolly Parton — “Jolene”

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I’m begging of you please don’t take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don’t take him just because you can

Lizzo — “Truth Hurts”

Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi dom bi dum bum bay

Rent cast — “Seasons of Love”


We’re not saying you should wash your hands for 525,600 minutes, but actually, that’s exactly what we’re saying. (Collectively, over the course of many years.)

How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?

Lady Gaga — “The Edge of Glory”

I’m on the edge of glory and I’m hangin’ on a moment of truth
Out on the edge of glory and I’m hangin’ on a moment with you
I’m on the edge, the edge, the edge
The edge, the edge, the edge, the edge
I’m on the edge of glory
And I’m hangin’ on a moment with you

Queen — “Another One Bites the Dust”

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I’m gonna get you, too
Another one bites the dust

Robyn — “Dancing On My Own”

I’m in the corner
Watching you kiss her
Oh oh oh
I’m right over here
Why can’t you see me?
Oh oh oh
I’m giving it my all
But I’m not the girl you’re taking home
Ooh ooh ooh
I keep dancing on my own (I keep dancing on my own)

Annie Murphy from Schitt’s Creek — “A Little Bit Alexis”


Turn your “Ew, David!” into an “Ew, Coronavirus!” moment.

I’m a Lamborghini
I’m a Hollywood star
I’m a little bit tipsy
When I drive my car

I’m expensive sushi
I’m a cute huge yacht
I’m a little bit single
Even when I’m not

Cher — “If I Could Turn Back Time”

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I’d take back those words that hurt you
And you’d stay
If I could reach the stars
I’d give ’em all to you
Then you’d love me, love me, like you used to do

Scissor Sisters — “Let’s Have a Kiki”

Let’s have a kiki
I wanna have a kiki
Lock the doors tight
Let’s have kiki
(Motherfucker)
I’m gonna let you have it
Let’s have a kiki
I wanna have a kiki
Dive, turn, work
Let’s have a kiki
We’re gonna serve
And work and turn and h-h-honey

Carly Rae Jepsen — “Cut to the Feeling”


CRJ said wash your goddamn hands, you heathen.

Ah, I wanna cut through the clouds, break the ceiling
I wanna dance on the roof, you and me alone
I wanna cut to the feeling, oh yeah
I wanna cut to the feeling, oh yeah
I wanna play where you play with the angels
I wanna wake up with you all in tangles, oh
I wanna cut to the feeling, oh yeah
I wanna cut to the feeling, oh yeah

George Michael — “Freedom ’90!”

Freedom! (I won’t let you down)
Freedom! (I will not give you up)
Freedom! (Have some faith in the sound)
You’ve gotta give for what you take (It’s the one good thing that I’ve got)
Freedom! (I won’t let you down)
Freedom! (So please don’t give me up)
Freedom! (’Cause I would really, really love to stick around)
You’ve gotta give for what you take

Kim Petras — “Heart to Break”

Even if it means that I’ll never put myself back together
Gonna give you my heart to break
Even if I’ll end up in shatters, baby it doesn’t matter
Gonna give you my heart to break
I tried to fight, but I can’t help it
Don’t care if this is my worst mistake

And if you’re still not sure about the best way to wash your hands, check out the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s official guide.

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