6 Queer Superheroes to Solve Your Uniquely Queer Problems

Who needs "Avengers: Endgame" when these LGBTQ superheroes can step in and save the day?

With Captain Marvel breaking box office records, Shazam charming audiences around the country, and the highly anticipated release (and leak) of Avengers: Endgame, it’s a great time to be a comic book fan.

But before the straights could have all the fun, DC and Marvel dropped a huge glitter bomb on the world by announcing their plans to bring new queer heroes to the big and small screens! That got us thinking about how great it would be if we had queer heroes in real life to save us from any number of annoying situations. So NewNowNext assembled our very own superhero team to help tackle your big gay problems.

  1. Super Siri

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    “Being bi just a phase, right?”

    “Explain this whole pansexual thing to me?”

    “What’s the deal with trans stuff?”

    Answering straight people’s ignorant questions for the millionth time can feel like you’re trapped in a mad scientist’s time loop. But never fear, Super Siri is here! They’re like a queer Ironman, but instead of fighting, they use their superhuman genius and technical prowess to teach your opponent how to use Google.

  2. The Great Erasure

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    Good citizens, a wicked sorcerer has used an ancient spell to wipe out queerness from history books around the country! Oh wait, that’s just our shitty educational system and the effects of academia’s straight, white hegemony. Thank the gods for The Great Erasure! This crusader of justice uses their amazing psychic powers to peer into the annals of history while flying over college campuses to scream catchy heroic slogans like, “We wouldn’t have the internet without the work of gay computer scientist Alan Turing!” and “Eleanor Roosevelt was in a long-term lesbian relationship! Why is no one talking about this?!”

  3. The Wonder Twinks

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    Oh no, evil clones are attacking the city! Wait, nevermind—it’s just a bunch of boyfriend twins. How is it that so many partners you know end up looking exactly the same, right down to their matching Nasty Pig jockstraps? Which is which?! Your social anxiety can’t handle that kind of pressure. That’s when it’s time to call on the Wonder Twinks, an identical dynamic duo who swoop in to remind you of the doppelgangers’ names and also which one you went down on last summer.

  4. Mighty Token

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    You’d rather face off against a fleet of intergalactic drag queens in an epic dance battle than be the only gay person at work. Who needs that many straight people using you as an excuse to unpack how moved they were by the new season of Queer Eye? Help is on the way! Mighty Token smashes into breakrooms to save queers from isolation by giving them someone to lock eyes with in desperation when their coworker won’t shut up. For real, Brenda, we get it: Your kid is good at Minecraft. Enough already.

  5. The Headless Torso

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    It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a—wait, for real, what is it? ‘Cause it looks nothing like your profile pic. When it turns out your hookup isn’t very honest about who they are or what they look like, it can feel like coming face-to-face with a masked villain. Enter The Headless Torso, a mysterious antihero who emerges from the shadows of your nightmare one-night stand to remind you that catfishing is a consent issue, and you shouldn’t have any guilt or shame around setting hard boundaries and getting the hell out of there. He’ll also treat you to sushi afterward. Bad dates fade, but snacking is forever.

  6. The Reliable Source

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    Getting vaporized by Thanos would be less mind-numbing than the bullshit your Republican relatives will post on Facebook this election season. No worries, mortal, The Reliable Source will save the day and your sanity. With the indiscretion of a Russian bot and the granular historic details of a Rachel Maddow cold open, The Reliable Source spams your conservative foes with actual facts until they either change their mind or block you.

    Either way, you win. Because when they go low, we go high drama.

Post-credit scene …

Hear me out. It’d be wrong to fantasize about superheroes saving queer people from our problems without acknowledging the very real and present dangers LGBTQ people face globally every single day. From the life-threatening anti-LGBTQ laws in countries like Brunei and Chechnya, to institutional discrimination in the U.S. under Trump’s transgender military ban, to an increase in hate crimes nationwide, it’d be awesome if we had a real-life superhero to step in.

Sadly, we don’t. That’s why the onus is on all of us to step up and fight LGBTQ injustice.

Consider donating time or funds to some inclusive groups doing the work, signal-boosting respected thought leaders and activists, or go grassroots and start organizing in your local community. To quote Captain Planet, “The power is yours!”

Topher Cusumano is a full-time writer and part-time teen witch from Brooklyn. His work has been seen in SplitSider, Point in Case, Hornet Stories, and Marriott Traveler, and more.
@tophcus