YOUR FAVORITE LOGO TV SHOWS ARE ON PARAMOUNT+

NOW: Is Teresa Giudice For Real?

[caption id="attachment_30583" align="aligncenter" width="607" caption="Acclaimed author and satirist T. Giudice"][/caption]

So, anyone happen to catch that awful car accident in New Jersey last night? You know, the one where everyone was slowing down as they approached and even though they didn't REALLY want to look they figured it would be fine and then started gouging their eyes out? That's right kids, the bi/tri/quad annual 12 part Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion has arrived. Rejoice in your not being these people-ness.

Most people are pretty up to speed on this show, even if they have never, ever watched, as it has somehow managed to seep into the subconsciousness of an entire nation. This is something that needs to be addressed soon. Occupy Jersey!

The five ladies were four for the special evening, held at what appeared to be the charred remains of an early century picture house, as Jacqueline Laurita, who has always seemed sane and completely normal, decided to skip the reunion so as to avoid Italian banshee Teresa Giudice. Giudice who, it must be said, has a lack of self-awareness that is epic in scope. We all know that one person that believes their own lies and revisionist history of events, but this logophobe takes it to a whole new level. Most every comment she made over the course of the first hour, and she sure made a few, was deemed false  by one of the three women present. Luckily, T had quick responses to all accusations that failed to address the claim or topic at hand. You go girl!

Speaking of topics, the major one at hand was, of course, the attempts of the new Libyan government to locate ousted ruler Moammar Gadhafi. Carolyn Manzo is convinced he has fled to the south while Kathy Wakile fears he may have left the country all together. Teresa is fairly certain she saw him at a book signing for her Julia Childs-inspired tome Skinny Italian at the Nathan's Hot Dog kiosk in the Paramus Parks Mall. Chaos of course ensued.

Really, it was just bad. Really, really bad. The problem, or perhaps great thing pretending on how you perceive it and your own everlasting/quickly dissipating faith in humanity, is that Manzo, Wakile and Melissa Gorga all seem to be very honest women. And you know the best way to not be rattled while filming a reunion in the remnants of a bunker from the War of 1812? Tell the truth. Pretty simple.

Teresa did not get this memo and just told people they were crazy. Gorga said Teresa urged her to consider how big her forehead was before accepting a role on the show (no doubt a product of Ms. Giudice's own Napolean complex about her Gerber baby-sized brow) to which Teresa said that Gorga was the one who was ashamed of her noggin. Gorga, whose hair was pulled back so tightly it seemed as if she was attempting to give herself a face lift and make her forehead appear as large as possible. Teresa still claimed Gorga was ashamed of her five-head, forcing Manzo to pipe in and say she had been told by Teresa that Gorga had a "horse" forehead. Manzo was then deemed, wait for it, "crazy" by the Giuds, a woman whose loose grasp on reality and basic societal norms makes the cast of Jersey Shore look like extras in Downton Abbey (I mean, have you ever seen Deena Cortese and Maggie Smith in the same room?I'm not saying, I'm just saying...).

Other "high" points  included revisiting Teresa's wonderful comment that all her Jewish friends informed her they could not believe she was not leaving her husband amidst all his financial troubles. I think we can all safely assume that when T says "Jewish friends" she means Patti Stanger, who likely told her she was an idiot to stay with a possible felon while they were both filming one of those kicky Camp Bravo promos. Also, you know who else probably has similar advice for Teresa about a man with four children and a wife who has left his family in the dark about their dire financial situation? EVERYONE.

There were more gems. Teresa told Gorga she was a gold digger for marrying her wealthy husband, who is also T's brother, which kind of doesn't hold water as he may be the most attractive male spouse in the entire franchise. Personally I would marry him even if he was working the night shift at the Nathan's Hot Dog kiosk in Paramus, and I feel most people would agree, vegetarians excluded of course.

Teresa also called people "the devil" and "the exorcist." Gorga was the devil as she was wearing red. It was kind of a big deal for our gal 'Resa as she had been practicing and memorizing her colors with her 15 daughters, all channeling Degas' dancing girls by way of Debbie Gibson in their study wears, for two weeks before the reunion. So props there. She also nailed the correct pronunciation of "red," a rare feat that was not the norm for a majority of the polysyllabic words she attempted during the evening. Another fun tip I learned from TG M.D., and cannot wait to introduce at my next big meeting, is that you can make any word plural at any time as long as you are wearing a royal blue dress with a sizable square of knocked off chain metal, and as long as that meeting is taking place at the Charlie Chaplin Mauseolium: Exit 87 off the Garden State Parkway (If you hit the Paramus NHD you've gone too far).

Finally, in addition to generously gifting all her castmates with backhanded compliments in her Youz County Timez bestselling picture book about how people are not Italian and she is, it appears TG has also taken some time out of her rigorous ignoring-the-current-situation-of-her-life schedule to no doubt clunkily drive a wedge between Manzo and sis Dina, a member of the cast during the first season. Now we always loved us some Dina, but if you are a person who is being manipulated by a woman who still behaves as if she is in free period her first year of high school, you need to take a step back and reevaluate. Look at your life, look at your choices. Better yet, look at T's forehead and ponder how jealous she is of her sister-in-law. Then tell us how many fingers long? Three? Is it just two?

Now, for a brief moment of seriousness, Teresa's whole shtick seems pretty evident now. She NEEDS this show, she NEEDS her cookbooks and she NEEDS to stay relevant. She is now supporting a brood of kids and a husband who may be facing a lengthy prison sentence which is, in all honesty, a daunting and arduous task. So while the other wives may be looking to promote their singing careers or the sale of their branded libations or just simply show the world how inadequate a parent they are (and most of you guys are doing a truly bang up job. I mean, you are fast becoming the greatest ally imaginable to Pro-Choice supporters), Teresa is actually supporting her family with her reality paychecks. Hence her ability to betray and deceive her friends: If she keeps being controversial she stays on television, if she stays on television she can feed her family.

Quite simply, she needs the money. And, not to look back with regret, but oh man that reward money for snatching Momo when she saw him getting waffle fries at NHD after she signed a copy of her book Why's Your Forehead So Big Girl? in Paramus would have helped so much, assuming there was room to drag him in to the authorities. Her car is generally littered with child size recreations of Miss Havisham's wardrobe and the galleys for her upcoming novel, I Know What Color Your Dress Is Crazy. We assume that is.

Ironically, the giant pack of children and questionably employed husband was a ratings success on another network, which may be what T is going for with her maniacal behavior. Can't youz guyz seez whatz shez doing?

Brace yourselves for T & Joe +4 kiddos. T + 4: Skinny Italianz Rulez should Joe face time in the clink.

Unless of course Momo comes back to see T at the Glamorous Goddess Goods store near the 176 Junction for her signing next Tuesday. She'll get him AND the reward this time, she'll get it...

Latest News