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Relationship Expert: 'I dress in drag and fantasize about men; am I gay?'

Question: I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible because I don't want to ramble.

 I'm a man and just got out of a relationship of 11 years with a woman (we  have an 18-month-old child as well). 

For 15 years, I have dressed in drag, though the only times I've been really out like that in public  are two Halloweens - the rest was indoors.  I've... done certain things sexually to myself while in drag.  First just touching myself, then playing with vibrators, then getting off to videos and photos of men; all of this was an extremely slow progression over a number of years. 

Every time I would perform one of the above actions, I would act like nothing happened afterward.  I've been flip-flopping terribly and it's getting worse - I think, "I'm gay," then "I'm not gay," or even "I'm bisexual." " No, this is just brought on  from my crossdressing fetish."  Back and forth, constantly. 

My sex life with my now-ex wasn't all that bad.  And the thing that bothers me is that any homosexual fantasies I had happened when I was in drag.  But here's the kicker: I have played with the vibrator out of drag and found it just as enjoyable. 

Hopefully I've made my story fairly clear.  I can't tell if I'm rambling too muc,h so I will end my question with this: Is there a real and actual feeling I'm fighting against? Am I gay?  Or is my situation similar to King Pentheus, who was driven mad by Dionysus after wearing a woman's dress? 

Anxiously, I await your response.

Answer: You are not rambling at all. The most popular question I receive is a reader wondering if they are straight, gay or bisexual. Perhaps this is because of the rise of the internet and growing social permission for people to explore something other than a heterosexual identity.

It is very common to wonder whether you're gay or bisexual when crossdressing, enjoying anal sex, and having sexual thoughts and fantasies about men. None of these alone or together necessarily indicate a gay or bisexual identity - even though to most it would seem that it does.

It might be that you are coming out gay or bisexual, but it doesn't defintely mean that.

Most men who crossdress for sexual excitement are straight men, not gay or bisexual men. Straight men who dress in drag often explore homosexual play with other men and experiment with fantasies about what it would be like to be with a man. Many can fantasize and engage in sex with another man to orgasm while they are crossdressing - and when it is over, they are still heterosexual.

When gay and bisexual men dress in drag,  it is usually for entertainment, art and fun, like Rupaul's Drag Race. It is not necessarily all about sexual fantasies and behaviors, although it can include them. But it is not the driving force of doing drag.

Just because you like to play with vibrators and enjoy anal stimulation doesn't mean you are gay or bisexual. What it does mean is that you enjoy anal stimulation. Anal sex has a long history of being associated only with gay sex, but this is changing as an increasing amount of men and women are learning about it and enjoying it. Many straight men enjoy what is called "pegging" which is when a woman wears a strap on and penetrates him anally. This does not make him gay, nor bisexual.

The word these days that is being used by straight men and women who enjoy occasional sex with the same gender is "heteroflexible." Just like gay men and lesbians can be homoflexible and have sex with the opposite sex. When they do this, they are still gay and lesbian.

Experimental sexual play is good. There is a difference between sexual fantasies and sexual behaviors and sexual orientation. They often do not line up as most would prefer them to. Many people are heterosexual with some homosexual fantasies and behaviors. Many gays and lesbians have heterosexual sex and even fantasies of the opposite sex, yet they are still gay. We know that some lesbians enjoy gay male porn. This doesn't make them bisexual nor heterosexual. They enjoy watching two men because of the outward sexual stimulation and desire between the men in the porn and the absence of patriarchy and domination so often found in heterosexual pornography toward women.

Similarly, those in the BDSM communities sometimes switch their partner's genders and as long as certain sexual acts and scenerios are played out, they are sexually stimulated. It has everything to do with the scene and little to do with the gender of the partner.

The word I prefer to use in this sort of situation is sexual cathexis instead of sexual identity. One's sexual cathexis is the way an individual's eroticism and/or emotional attachment is organized in reference to the sex and gender of their sexual partner or partners. So, someone cathects to the opposite gender, the same gender or both. In other words, sexual cathexis describes one's sexual, romantic and erotic interest in one or both sexes - one's primary object(s) of sexual arousal and romantic interest.

What is your sexual cathexis? I use the "Beach Test." If you are on a beach, are you distracted by men, women or both? For me, I sexually cathect to men only and so on a beach the women are in my way!

You said that sex with your wife was "not all that bad." Were you aroused by her? Are you aroused by women? Are you aroused by men? Both? I know you have had fantasies about men, but do you desire them and find yourself longing for and attracted to them?

Also, you said you have used the vibrator outside of cross dressing and I am wondering if you have fantasized about men while using the vibrator? Have you fantasized about men while not cross-dressing nor using the vibrator?

You very well could be at the initial phases of coming out bisexual or gay. If that is true, that is about your identity, your cathexis, not just your sexual interests and fantasies alone. You talk about a progression occurring in your sexual arousal template. That could be the early stages of coming out gay or bisexual and/or could also be the early stages of coming out sexually having nothing to do with your cathexis and everything to do with your sexual interests.

My main message to you is to enjoy the fantasy, enjoy the cross dressing and the anal play and don't obsess over what it has to mean about your cathexis. If your true identity is anything other than heterosexuality, it will come to the surface. For straight men who engage in these sexual activities and fantasies, they remain straight and never move to any other sexual identity.

Joe Kort, Ph.D. is a doctor of clinical sexology and a licensed clinical social worker. He is a published author and national speaker.

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