Last week’s episode left us with so many questions. Will Daniel finally propose? Will the fake Amanda be exposed (or expose herself)? Is Emily going to tell Charlotte that they are sisters from another mother? Will Declan learn to read? Will Victoria host a Botox party? Let’s answer these questions and take a look at who won big and who got burned on Revenge.
Charlotte vs. Conrad
WTF is wrong with Declan’s accent? Is he trying to pull off South Boston? Newsflash! Not all poor folk who exist on a sole diet of beer nuts talk like Kenickie in Grease. However, Conrad wants to cut a deal with Declan, and send him to school with his beloved daughter Charlotte. Too bad David Clarke’s confession is going to screw this up. Charlotte gets sent home to live with her mom, which goes to show how much DNA matters when money is involved.
Loser: Declan. Not only his is meal ticket now worth just a snack, but he probably has scurvy from living off of beer nuts. Someone just kill this kid off already.
Victoria vs. Daniel
Danny Boy, the Adonis of eastern Long Island, wants to pop the question to Emily. Sure, it will help his mom in her dirty divorce proceedings, but he is a man in love and he’s bought a ring. It seems Victoria doesn’t have much choice. You see, karma is a bitch, and her alias is Emily Thorne. She’s put Victoria and Charlotte’s paternity on blast via anonymous flashdrive.
You guys, the big moment finally arrived! Daniel takes Emily to the place they first met and sets up an adorbs proposal. Somebody must have called Alanis Morrisette, because it starts raining right as he pops the question. Emily says yes, probably because she was blinded by the diamond. I got all warm and fuzzy for a second out of happiness for these two. Then I remembered the first episode, and Daniel is gonna be shot (dead?) soon. What’s the etiquette for keeping the ring in that situation?
So how does Mommie Dearest ruin the special occasion? By telling Daniel his sister was the product of a lurid affair, with a guy who went to jail for funding terrorism. Talk about raining on a parade…
Loser: I’m gonna let Daniel win at least this one before he gets shot. Besides, Victoria proved she is the Wicked Witch of the East, because her face was full on melting from her tears.
Emily vs. Aman-duh
Emily wants to get rid of her pal from juvie, and rightfully so. Ever since Aman-duh showed her face in the Hamptons and started talking with marbles in her mouth, Jack has been smitten. Emily is setting up Aman-duh for a big fall from grace. But not before Jack can get his butt kicked by some ne’er-do-well who broke into his apartment. Aman-duh’s pissed, but Emily pulls on heartstrings by sharing her dad’s sob story. It works, and it looks like we’ve seen the last of mumbles until sweeps. Maybe she will come back with Tyler? Please?
Loser: Emily or as I would like to nickname her, Bitch-oncé.
Victoria vs. Aman-duh
Looks like mush mouth is having a rough week! She’s getting a double whammy of bitch from House Thorne and House Grayson. Remember when I said Victoria was on to Aman-duh’s act? Well now she’s setting her up to fail. Victoria calls her out on her food allergies (the real Amanda can’t eat strawberries, nor would she eat them like a slut) and gets her to leave some DNA behind (from a spoon, what were you thinking of you perv?). But before Mama Grayson can say Jimmy Choo, the other shoe drops. Conrad is not Charlotte’s biological father.
Loser: Emily again! She’s got Victoria’s attorney on her payroll and fixed the DNA results.
Nolan vs. Emily
While it was a quiet week for our pal Nolan, it seems he’s stepping over the sidekick line and questioning Emily’s motives. “I may have Jack’s blood on my jacket but you got it all over your hands,” he tells Emily, in the cheesiest moment of the night. We all know the best way to break Emily down is to bring up Jack, but really, why pick now? Nolan was held against his will and threatened at knife point two weeks ago… did Tyler’s meltdown mean nothing? Emily admits that she’s going to reconsider her whole scheme and the engagement… until Victoria convinces Daniel that she was raped by David Clark, hence Charlotte is his daughter (LIAR!). Pretty sure Emily is going to turn into the Incredible Hulk in the season finale. Do not make her angry.
Loser: Nolan, because all suspension of disbelief aside, I liked him better when he was making sex tapes.
Weekly Winners: Charlotte (she’s finally interesting), Victoria (that last shot of her on the balcony was killer) and Emily (if only for scoring the diamond)
Weekly Losers: Declan (always), Jack (broken heart and broken face) and Botox (because it’s only a temporary solution)
Episode Bitch Scale Score: January Jones, because sometimes you should just keep your mouth shut about your baby daddy.