Going into the penultimate episode of the season, we are still left with plenty of questions from episode one, and a whole Birkin bag full of new ones. Like who is the white-haired man who is actually responsible for David Clarke’s death? Has Daniel really become a shill for his father? Is Emily ready to pull the trigger (see what I did there?) on her plan? Let’s see what we learned…
Revenge writers vs. the Audience
Let’s get this out of the way. Sammy, the dog that Jack and Emily love, who when you think about it, was at least 20 years old, died at Emily’s house. Like in a really day-ruining, don’t want to see that before bed kind of way. In the arms of the angels…
Loser: Anyone who was watching who has a dog. But let’s be honest. That dog was nothing compared to Vincent on Lost.
Emily vs. The White-Haired Man
So public enemy number one is a man who, like Anderson Cooper, Jon Slattery and Santa Claus, is a silver fox. And while I usually associate white hair with a gentle father figure type, this guy is a hitman who has more dirt on the Grayson family then their old Dyson. Emily plants a camera in her bedroom, but not to make a real sex tape. She wants to make Conrad think that the white-haired man is spying on Daniel and pit all the characters against each other. Emily finds her moment to attack with some help from Nolan, and she goes all Hitchcock on the white-haired man… except for the fact that Nolan wasn’t really helping her. He sends his semi-Amish aunt Carol to try and talk some sense into her, while he deals with the big baddie, placing a camera in the killer’s house.
Loser: Nolan. You knew he wasn’t cut out for the dangerous life and the white-haired man tracks him down and gets him in a choke hold.
Victoria vs. Conrad
Looks like Victoria finally finished the 50 Shades trilogy because she is back to being a power player. She’s still secretly meeting with the Feds to put Conrad behind bars and clear David Clarke’s name so she can like, see his ghost or something (probably not but that would be awesome). She’s gunning to manipulate Conrad, but too bad old Lydia (really though? I thought we were done with her.) has already decided to ride that pony.
Some of the best scenes on this show is when they show how screwed up the Grayson family really is, and this episode totally went there. Conrad’s outburst during Charlotte’s family therapy session was pretty spectacular, and Victoria’s calm tea-sipping could send a chill down Angelina Jolie’s heart. She goes so far as to make Daniel a pawn, giving him all of the evidence against Conrad… the evidence that shows that his dad killed his fiancés father. File that under “ways to make your revenge-seeking bride-to-be really, really angry.”
Loser: Conrad. Victoria is back on her game, and if she’s going down, everyone is going with her.
Victoria vs. Lydia
Now, this is the Revenge we know and love. Victoria going all alpha-female marking her territory to show that she’s top bitch. Like Betty and Veronica, these two ex-besties are always going to be at each other’s throats. And like Veronica, Victoria can put her money where her mouth is. She’s hidden tons of evidence in a painting (made by that guy who was on the show for about two minutes), and she’s come to collect.
Loser: Lydia. You know she’s B-team when she shopping at Bendel’s and not Barney’s.
Emily vs. Daniel
Our girl is not happy with her husband-to-be. Emily thought she had gotten her claws into doe-eyed Dan, but alas, our golden boy decided to grow a personality and the last possible moment. They say prison changes a man, and now Emily is dealing with the repercussions of Daniel’s loyalty to the Graysons. Emily plants a camera, but not to make a real sex tape. She wants to make Conrad think that the white-haired man is spying on Daniel and pit all the characters against each other. But her plans have her too involved, and she’s alienating Daniel. Like any bride, Daniel just wants his wedding day to be special, so I really can’t blame him.
Daniel has gone into full on rich boy mode, writing a check to Jack to keep him quiet. And in a moment only Draco Malfoy could love, he even uses his last name as an excuse for his bitchy behavior. So it’s not surprising when Emily and Jack kiss as they grieve the death of Sammy the dog. What is surprising is that Ashley saw them, and the last thing you want that social-climber to have is ammo against you.| Emily plants a camera, but not to make a real sex tape. She wants to make Conrad think that the white-haired man is spying on Daniel and pit all the characters against each other.
Loser: Daniel. Any redeeming qualities he had are in the garbage and he is now my least favorite Grayson.
Weekly Winners: Ashley (she aced her brief camera time), Victoria (she’s back in the game!), Charlotte (she’s back on drugs!) and Emily (she’s cornering people to where she wants them).
Weekly Losers: Daniel, Declan (the Yonkers girl storyline was stupid), Jack (you gotta feel for a man who lost his best friend), Nolan (stick to computers, man!).
Episode Bitch Scale Score: Sarah McLachlan because nobody ruins your day like her wounded animal commercials.