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'Revenge' Recap: Cell Block Tango

[caption id="attachment_41874" align="alignright" width="607" caption="She smiles because she hates you"][/caption]

I haven’t been this excited for a post-shooting episode of television since Twin Peaks. Two weeks ago, we saw the demise of the adorable psychopath Tyler leaving us with a giant case of “Who done it?” Daniel was left with blood on his hands, but we know he wasn’t the only one lurking around Tyler’s corpse. Now, Emily’s left with a fiancé in legal trouble and an epic plot of revenge in jeopardy.

Cue the “dun dun” sound from Law & Order and read on for this week’s recap. Note: Spoilers abound below, so if you didn’t catch the episode, hit us up when you’ve cleared your DVR.

Daniel vs. The Law

Well, first Daniel can count his blessings because he wasn’t the one who bit the dust last week like we originally thought. However, he’s in heaps of trouble. There are plenty of eyewitnesses who saw him covered in blood on the beach near Tyler’s body. When the police come to Emily’s beach house to arrest him, we see Victoria jump to his defense, and jump towards him, just as she did for her lover David Clark years before. And as she reminds us, “Jail is no place for a boy like Daniel.” Oh Victoria, we agree.

The Graysons have hired a hotshot lawyer (played by Courtney B. Vance, who was ah-maz-ing in Joyful Noise), Mr. Benjamin Brooks, and he’s good. Brooks is curious about Aman-duh and her potential involvement. Plus, he wants to know if Daniel has any “proclivities” that he needs to know about. We already know Daniel is pretty vanilla, minus the drinking and the car accident and the fiancé hell bent on getting even with most of the Hamptons. But at least Emily ‘fessed up about Daniel’s past and how the Graysons covered it up. Brooks is not having it, and he wants total honesty, but he has bigger fish to find. He’s out to get Aman-duh back in town.

Loser: Daniel. No bail and stuck at Riker’s Island to await trial. If you don’t know about that prison, trust us, HBO made documentaries about that place. You don’t want to go to there.

Daniel vs. Emily

Nobody ever told Emily that secrets are no fun. Before he bit the dust, Tyler gave Daniel a hint that she’s been hiding something, and like a cartoon character with a light bulb over its head, he’s finally getting the idea that she isn’t who she says she is. And he’s being a bitch about it. Sure, he saw his former friend die and he’s been questioned by the police, but is that a real reason to be so sassy? He’s gone all psycho girlfriend and starting digging through her creepy box of tricks (which luckily, is not hiding anything that normally belongs in a nightstand drawer). What’s next, checking her email and stalking her Facebook page?

Loser: Daniel. Emily spins some lies and falls right back into his good graces.

Victoria vs. Emily

I feel for Victoria, because she’s been through this before. Like a soapy Vietnam flashback, she has to see a man in her life (this time her son, previously David Clark) get pinched. But just when you think she will get all sappy, she pulls out a tentacle and serves up a backhanded comment to Emily about her stint in kiddie jail.

Loser: Emily. She can learn a thing or two from her mother-in-law-to-be. Victoria manages to cry without disturbing her makeup or moving any facial muscles. Well played.

Charlotte vs. Drugs

Has Charlotte learned nothing from Hollywood? Prescription drugs are bad news. However, they make for excellent television. She’s already showing erratic behavior, alienating her loved ones and rocking some major dialated pupils. Plus, she basically went into a Mary Katherine Gallgher-esque monologue when she started asking Victoria about David Clark.

Loser: Dr. Drew because we have a while to go until Charlotte hits rock bottom.

Declan vs. Jack

Apparently the Wizard of Oz showed up in the Stowaway and granted Declan a brain because he’s figured out his brother was the dude in the hoodie on the beach over Tyler’s body. Declan is covering up for Jack, and making him stick around. At least Jack has his new pal and confidante Nolan to lean on.

Cut to Ashley, who I think they needed to give more lines to or something, stepping up as the official PR representative for the Graysons and offering rewards for information that will free Daniel. She might be the second coming of the serial social climber, as we find out she’s the snake who leaked incriminating pictures of Daniel at the crime scene. I can see the sequel now: Tyler 2: The Bitch Is Back.

Loser: Jack. No love, no money and no place to go.

Emily vs. Her Sensei

Wax on, wax… bang, you’re dead. We know who killed Tyler. Well, we know Daniel shot Tyler. But it was her sensei who pulled the trigger two more times. And he’s ready to get rid of Jack and Aman-duh, as he warns Emily that she can’t save them both. Damn meddling sensei.

Loser: Kids who take karate because the student will never become the master.

Weekly Winners: Ashley (her character finally has depth), Charlotte (she makes drugs look fun), Benjamin Brooks (he’s entered the show with a splash) and Victoria (I would pay her to insult me).

Weekly Losers: Daniel (rich kids do not do well in jail), Emily (her plan is off the rails), and Jack (he’s become a stereotype who’s been ruined by a woman)

Episode Bitch Scale Score: Hillary Swank in The Next Karate Kid. One day you’re learning karate for Mr. Miyagi and setting off on an Oscar-winning career and the next thing you know you’re starring in New Year’s Eve. Life is a fickle bitch like that.

What did you think of the reveal of the murderer? Let us know what you think and we will see you when Revenge returns in April!

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