[caption id="attachment_46670" align="alignright" width="607" caption="Our favorite pill head. Photo Credit: ABC"][/caption]

I know we’ve all spent the last month and a half sitting on the couch Miss Havisham style waiting for Emily Thorne to come back on screen. That was just me? Oh.

Annnywaaayy, our favorite soapy drama is back, and basically it’s Law & Order: Rich White People Problems (no really, there are two people of color on this show). Let’s dive into the biggest show downs of the night.

Daniel vs. Jail

When I first saw Daniel, I fantasized about him escaping Shawshank-style. Somebody get that boy a picture of Rita Hayworth ASAP. Then again, Daniel probably isn’t smart enough to figure that out unless Morgan Freeman shows up and spells it out in a voice over. He even gets beat up in the showers… by people hired by his mother. Victoria is giving Joan Crawford a run for mother of the year. God only knows what she would do with wire hangers. And I’m guessing Daniel will get to find out now that the beatdown has led to his release on house arrest.

Loser: Jail. What a boring addition to the cell block… I bet Daniel didn’t even learn the words to When You’re Good to Mama.

Victoria vs. The Justice System

Does Victoria spend her free time watching episodes of Night Court? Because she seems to know a lot about the legal system—enough to be bossing around lawyer Benjamin Brooks and pushing him to use Jack Porter as a patsy, because, you know, he was wearing a hoodie. Who wrote this plot line? Geraldo?

With a little help from Emily & Nolan, Victoria has reporter Mason Treadwell and his horrible hair living under her roof. Treadwell is out for blood because he believes Aman-duh Clark (the fake one) burned down his house. The fire melted his typewriter and all his files, but frankly, anyone who doesn’t back up their files deserves to lose their work. Hasn’t he heard of The Cloud? Anyway, now he’s basically running his own Drudge Report, feeding the internet gossip and lies about the trial.

Loser: The Justice System, but just for now. Mama Grayson is like a lioness protecting her cub, but she has a long way to go to clear Daniel’s name.

Declan vs. Charlotte

Is Charlotte on drugs the best character this show has seen since Tyler went cray cray? Declan, who is full or virtues and other morals that will get you killed on this show, comes forward saying that he and Charlotte couldn’t really identify the man they saw on the beach the night of Tyler’s murder. He also tells Treadwell about Charlotte’s little pill problem, which blows the roof off of the plan for Daniel’s defense, because Charlotte is no longer a reliable witness. Charlotte breaks up with Declan and reminds him that he’s really stupid, which is probably the most honest thing said in the entire episode. And what does our favorite mother do to help her struggling daughter? She bitch slapped Charlotte so hard I think I saw the drugs exiting her body.

Loser: Declan. Doing the right thing on this show makes you boring. Go back to Gossip Girl.

Victoria vs. Emily

First, let’s talk about the arrival of Tall, Dark and Handsome actor from HBO’s Rome. Who is he? Why is he getting naked with Victoria? How much rent does he pay on that loft? His name is Dominik Wright, and even though his parents gave him a weirdly spelled name and he is an (maybe?) art forger, Victoria is smitten. She even may have moved her forehead a little.

Back to the biggest rivalry on the show. Is it just me or did Emily knock it out the park this week? She’s manipulated Treadwell and Victoria, and even managed to turn one against the other. She’s got Treadwell on a witch hunt after Aman-duh, and then flips the switch to make it look like Victoria caused the fire. Plus, she’s managed to track Victoria, score evidence of her setting up Daniel’s beatdown and discover her new beau. Despite Victoria’s best efforts, Emily has Daniel wrapped around her finger so tight he refuses to even try and use his fiancé to help clear his name. And last, but not least, let’s not forget that she totally kicked the crap out the thug in the parking lot.

Loser: Victoria! The handsome man has her all kinds of distracted and she’s off her game. But I’m sure that’s nothing a little wine and Botox can’t fix.

Weekly Winners: Emily (well played on all fronts), Dominik (shirtless scenes mean recurring character), Treadwell (he surprised me, which was nice because I was getting bored)

Weekly Losers: Victoria (she needs to get her shizz together and FAST), Declan (for being annoying and virtuous), Daniel (of all places, he got hit in the face), Nolan (I forgot he even existed) and the continuity team (nobody has a car in New York City, and if they did, they wouldn’t drive to the bar).

Episode Bitch Scale Score: Stephen from The Real World: Seattle. I haven’t seen a slap so great since the 90s.