‘Revenge’ Season Finale Recap: Bitch in a Box

Best Friends Forever!

After last week’s homage to Marley and Me, I think we were all ready for an extra juicy Revenge season finale. After a year of murder, intrigue, bad wigs and Declan’s patchy chest hair we are left with the three Ps of a perfect finale: Pregnancy, Pill Overdose and Plane Crash! For the last time this spring, check out the dissection of last night’s explosive (literally!) finale.

Emily vs. Daniel
The prodigal son isn’t so prodigal anymore. Daniel has gone full-on Grayson, offering his own lies to cover up evidence seemingly stolen from Emily’s beach house. But poor, dim Dan has no idea that Emily is setting him up and he’s walking right into her trap. When Daniel finds out Emily kissed Jack, he starts questioning all of her motives, suggesting that she was dating him for his last name (I lol’d). She calls of the engagement, giving back the ring, which shows she is a nice girl because I would have sold it and put a down payment on a condo.
Loser: Emily. I know, I know. Daniel has been horrible. But he’s so pretty!

Emily vs. The White-Haired Man
As we saw last week, the silver fox has kidnapped Nolan and is holding him captive. Emily decides to own up to being the real Amanda Clarke and meet her nemesis face to face. Emily shows up sans weapons, and even choloforms herself to find Nolan. Her plan seems poorly thought out, as she ends up chained next to Nolan in a room that was clearly inspired by the design sense of Christian Grey. But ninja that she is, Emily manages to free herself and Nolan, but she stays behind.

I’m wondering how many screenings of The Hunger Games Emily went to, because she goes full on Katniss on the white-haired man. But when push comes to shove, she lets him live out of respect for her father’s legacy.
Loser: Emily. Like every action movie/soap opera, you should always kill your enemies… and make sure they are dead.

Charlotte vs. New Girl We Don’t Care About
Jaime, the new girl from Yonkers, has taken a shine to Declan, which proves she’s an idiot. Not to be outdone, Charlotte goes full on mean girl… by pretending to be nice. In reality, Charlotte is doing her best Victoria impersonation and hiring a private investigator to get the dirt on the new chick. And dirt she finds. Yonkers McGee left her hometown because she has been scandalized by an affair with her history teacher and Charlotte has posted the photos all over the internet. But Charlotte hasn’t studied her mean girl manual, and she’s grown a conscience.
Loser: Charlotte. She is so emotionally broken she turns to pills to deal with her pain. And ends up with a trip to Overdose City.

Victoria vs. Conrad
Emily has led the Graysons to believe the white-haired man has gone totally rogue, but not in the McCain/Palin kind way… more in the “he knows all of our secrets and we can go to jail if we don’t find him” kind of way. Conrad blames Victoria. Victoria blames Daniel. The rift in the Grayson marriage grows deeper and Conrad makes his move to give promise ring to Lydia, a ring that gets her to recant any testimony against the Graysons. Too bad Victoria is way more manipulative than he can ever be. Pretty ladies like Lydia do not belong in jail, so she’s changed her mind to avoid going down with the sinking good ship Grayson.

The final confrontation was intense! Conrad warns Victoria that there are more powerful people playing this game, and they will end her if she testifies. Ol’ Vicks decides to board the plane, appropriately dressed in white as her conscience can now be clean. And we are left with a chilling parting shot of the white-haired men fiddling with the plane and Conrad burning a photo of his two love interests.
Loser: Victoria. Plane crashes are never good. I’m assuming they aren’t killing her off the show, and she will triumphantly return with dark sunglasses and a big hat. But for now… this is bad.

Daniel vs. Victoria
Victoria continues to meet with the Feds, suggesting that Daniel turned the evidence over to them. When she finds out he didn’t, her image of mommy’s little angel crumbles. And with a slap that rivals the one from The Real World: Seattle, another Grayson relationship is fractured. But I’m giving major snaps to Victoria for finally trying to take a moral high ground here and repent for the sins of the past.

The fights drive Daniel back to the drink, and Ashley, who had spilled the beans about Emily and Jack, is there to help comfort him. Well, played, you social-climbing sociopath.
Loser: Daniel. He loses his fiancé and is mother’s respect in a matter of minutes.

Emily vs. Victoria
Hands down, my favorite scene of the finale was Victoria urging Emily to open the engagement gift she had given to her son and former-future-daughter-in-law. It was an empty box, proving that she knew all along that the couple would break up. And that my friends, is how to be a bitch.
Loser: Emily. Girl, you got served.

Emily vs. Jack
After last week’s Emily/Jack smooch-fest, it became clear that Daniel, who might have had a shot, was now in second place. Emily even tells Nolan to send her love to Jack if she doesn’t make it out alive. When Emily is finally ready to come clean about her real identity she finds the last thing she expected. Old marble mouth Aman-duh is back in town… and she is pregnant! And she says Jack is the dad! Though I’m sure it’s not! DRAMA!
Loser: Emily. God, things are just not working out for her.

Emily vs. ??????
When the plane crashes, Emily fears all of the evidence that will exonerate her father is lost. But Nolan has backed up all of the files, and we get a taste of what season two might hold. It appears that this conspiracy goes way beyond David Clarke, and that Emily’s mom is probably alive. I swear to god if they do not cast Marcia Cross I will cut someone. Seriously, ABC, consider it.
Loser: NOBODY. IS IT FALL YET?

Weekly Winners: Ashley (she’s barking up the right tree), Aman-duh (only for having great timing), Conrad (dodging bullets left and right).

Weekly Losers: Emily (all this effort for nothing), Victoria (I bet she ends up with burns or something, because I refuse to believe she is dead!), Lydia (she definitely dead), Charlotte (I hope she meets a celeb at Promises).

Episode Bitch Scale Score: The trifecta: Heather Locklear, a Vanessa Williams and a Joan Collins. Revenge has found its niche… the bitchier the better.