Welcome to the first edition of INK ANATOMY, where we take the opportunity to judge celebrities taste in body art. From the tongue-in-cheek to the just plain twisted, here’s a look at our favorite Rihanna tats.
Tattoo #1: “Love” on her left hand’s middle finger.
Realness Translation: Rihanna is a barrel of contradictions, which is how I’d describe most politicians and 24-year old millionairesses. Does she love us? Does she hate-love us? Does she love-f*ck us? IS SHE EVEN LEFT-HANDED?
On a Scale of 1 to Fun: There’s a lot going on here- probably on a level we won’t be able to broach as superficial superfans — which reduces the fun level. 3.
Tattoo #2: Dragon-claw tattoo on her right hand’s middle finger.
Realness Translation: Obviously Rihanna and I had equally visceral yet opposing reactions to the movie District 9. Her reaction involved a tattooed homage to the “prawns” aka TERRIFYING ALIEN SPECIES complete with exotic floral details. My reaction involved throwing up/having a panic attack in the theatre during the part where the main character has his cast taken off.
On a Scale of 1 to Fun: I was never a big Animorphs fan, but I also wore embroidered denim until I was 17. Rihanna is impossibly cooler than I was, have been, or will ever be at any given stage of my life. 8.
Tattoo #3: “Pisces” behind her left ear.
Realness Translation: Rihanna is a Pisces. According to every astrology description ever Pisces are sensitive, soulful, artistic, and kind of psychic.
On a Scale of 1 to Fun: Talking to the bright gas balls before making a major life decision is fun — especially if you’re partying hard enough to believe THEY CAN ACTUALLY TALK BACK! Less so is waiting up until midnight on the first day of the month to check Susan Miller’s new monthly forecast. 6.5.
Tattoo #4: A handgun slightly below her right armpit.
Realness Translation: Guns are a universally terrifying way of saying “Don’t f*ck with me.” This one appeared right after Chris Brown was arrested on charges of domestic violence.
On a Scale of 1 to Fun: The only way you could make this fun is if you dressed it up in a sundress with cats on it. 1.
Tattoo #5: “Freedom is God” in Arabic written on her ribcage.
Realness Translation: Ugh, religious tattoos are so weird. We’re not philosophers, okay? And with lyrics like “Strip club and dollar bills, I still got my money/Patron shots can I get a refill? I still got my money,” I don’t think Rihanna is either. CAN SHE EVEN READ ARABIC? I know I can’t, not without the help of the Internet gods.
On a Scale of 1 to Fun: Not exactly beach-friendly bon mots, but it might win you some intellectual bonus points with bookworms. 5.
Tattoo #6: Falling stars trailing from her neck down her back.
Realness Translation: Maybe Rihanna thinks she’s a fallen star, hence why they’re falling down her back?
Alternate Translation: Maybe they’re shooting up her back and she thinks she’s a shooting star!
Probable Translation: She’s a star. But not like the gassy kind.
On a Scale of 1 to Fun: Beloved by the teenage Tumblr set and Etsy-friendly fashion bloggers, RiRi’s found common ground among the masses with this one. Stars are tattoos for people who swore they’d never get inked right up until one very poorly-planned bender. 10.
Tattoo #7: “Breezy,” allegedly somewhere on her body.
Realness Translation: COME ON. Seriously? Have we learned nothing from anyone who’s ever tattooed their lover’s name on their body or dated guys who ask us to call them “Breezy”? Everything you can learn from this is terrible. CHRIS BROWN IS THE WORST.
On a Scale of 1 to Fun: There is nothing fun about this. This whole post was fun until this happened! Best-case scenario: she dumps Breezy and becomes a meteorologist (specializing in breeze cycles). 0.
Diagnosis: With more than fifteen tattoos before hitting her 25th birthday, I’m guessing Rihanna will add five to seven more before realizing she’s made a big mistake (re: #7).