TV

‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’: Pandora Boxx Ru-cap

Ru and Phi Phi GIF Courtesy Of: Lip Sync For Your Life

Jesus is a biscuit.  Let him sop you up.

Does he mind if you’re covered in sweaty glitter and smell like balls in pantyhose?  Sop away, hunty.  Sop away.

The You-Betta-Workroom day starts out with Willam refusing to eat humble pie.  This shouldn’t shock anyone because I think all he eats are Styrofoam packing chips lightly dusted with Valium.  As Willam prattles on, Sharon blurts out, “Miu Miu doesn’t make talent, honey.” Shablam!

Speaking of drugs, what am I on that I’m seeing Double Ru-vatar on the weekly She-mail!  Two Rus for the price of one, and that ain’t cheap honey.  The real Ru enters and tells the fake ladies that Miss Polly Graph will be finding out the truth.  Dun-dun-duuuuun!  I’ll say one thing, if a lie detector were on my season I would have failed.  Let’s just say I bit my tongue a lot.  A LOT! (*wink wink* smile at the camera)

RuPaul’s delivery during the lie detector was absolutely priceless.  I laughed through this whole part.  “Do you like my line of Iron Fist Shoes?”  Holy shit.  What if you didn’t?  Then you are off the show!  They are really cute shoes though.  That’s RuPaul’s Drag Race Iron Fist Shoes, in case you would like some product placement served up in your Ru-Cap!

“Have you ever looked at the pit crew with lust in your eyes?”

Latrice, “Yes.”  I know that’s right!

In case you don’t know, “kai kai” is the act of fornication between two drag queens.  I’ll give you some examples.  Drag Queen couple, Manila Luzon and Sahara Davenport kai kai.  Phi Phi does not want to kai kai with Sharon even after the Rupocalypse.  Everyone wants to climb on top of Latrice Royale and make sweet kai kai to her at the world’s end.  I would like to kai kai Uranus.  Class dismissed.

Frenemy Time!  The girls are lined up with their exact opposite across from them and guess who their partner is?  Oh sweet Reality TV, you fickle bitch.  Yep, they are paired up with their exact opposite for the main challenge.  Latrice with Willam, Chad with Dida and the inevitable couple: Phi Phi and Sharon.   The shade of it all!

In the beginning, all the girls’ acts are a hot buttered mess.  None of them seem to be getting along all that well except for maybe Chad and Dida but then Dida makes a crack about Chad’s age.  Chad retorts by saying, that she admires that, “Dida isn’t afraid to fail.”  Girl!

Can we just talk about how adorable Lucian Piane is?  I just want to cuddle with him, with no clothes on.  AND he’s the music behind the queen of RuPaul’s last two albums.  I don’t know if you’ve heard any of her songs?  Like only in every episode of Drag Race, ever.  They are also all available on iTunes.

Lucian critiques the girls on stage during their rehearsals and his faces were highly enjoyable.  I hope there’s a GIF of all of his faces!  You know he was just being polite when he wanted to shout out, “Girl that shit is busted!”

Before we get to the main stage I just have to say I peed a little when Sharon said this about Phi Phi, “She’s that squeaky princess that just needs to be whacked over the head by a two by four.”  Oh my!

Oh yeah and is there anyone who wouldn’t want to go to Latrice’s house for potluck dinner?  Sign me up!

On the main stage, RuPaul is serving up hot Gay-sian Fantasy.  You want Happy Ending?  You pay extra!  The guest judges are the delectable Jennifer Tilly and honorary drag queen Pamela Anderson.  Yes!

Latrice and Willam nailed it.  What more can I say about those two?  Phi Phi and Sharon did not nail it.  Phi Phi and Sharon ended up getting along while preparing and ultimately it was their downfall.  Their reads in the song were just lackluster. Chad and Dida were hovering in the middle ground.  Dida and Chad didn’t have great chemistry together but they managed to pull it together halfway through.  The rip off dress at the end was a little slice of fabulousness.

Hold up.  Was Michelle Visage wearing leopard gloves with fake nails glued to them?  Drag queen!

After the girls are done, Pamela Anderson says, “I just have to say one thing, America’s [Got] Talent has got nothing on this show!”

And we all say: AMEN!

Surprising no one, Latrice and Willam win and deservedly so.  The bottom two end up being Sharon and Phi Phi.  It really could have gone either way and that’s how it goes at this stage of the game.

Oh, wait, hold up.  Did Willam just… oh, yes, yes he did just vomit.  Well, that’s what you get for eating solid foods, bitch.

And back to the LSFYL.  Both Phi Phi and Sharon really perform the hell out of the song.  The only thing is haven’t we seen what Phi Phi did week after week?  Song starts.  Shoes come off.  Death drop.  Wig comes off.  Dance.  Pose.  The end.  Sharon performed the hell out of if and maintained her whole look throughout the performance.  So I’m thinking that it might be Phi Phi that goes when all of a sudden…

BLAM!  Plot twist!

Willam gets called back to the runway.  He’s told by Mama Ru that he broke a rule and in fact it is him who must sashay away this week.  Wha-wha-what?  What did he do that made him get kicked off?  I mean clearly he ate solid foods, like I said, but would that get him kicked off?  Did he not wear his RuPaul’s Drag Race Iron Fist shoes enough?  Did Willam think he was playing another prostitute on TV and turn some tricks?  Though, turning tricks helps you on Drag Race.  Maybe it was just his day pass finally expired?  What do you think about the most scandalous elimination ever?  Sound off below!

Don’t forget to visit me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/thepandoraboxx and tweet me a twat or two at www.twitter.com/thepandoraboxx.  Oh and have you heard about All Stars: RuPaul’s Drag Race?  You totally need to go vote for me to get on the show!  Vote once every 24 hours here: http://bit.ly/xro8Nu