We open the show with the gals gossiping about whoever left last week. Wasn’t it Kenya again? Basically, no one really cares because she left once already. Chad talks about how perfect she is and Sharon says Chad hasn’t done LSFYL because they are afraid she’ll break a hip. Oh more age jokes. Yawn. Honestly, age jokes can be funny but the ageism in this country is disgusting to me. Really people, guess what? Every single person alive will get older. But I digress. Back to these queens and their glory hole.
Yes, it’s true. RuPaul’s Drag Race has brought many things into mainstream culture and now they’ve done the same with a big glory hole. This girl’s must reach into the glory hole and pull out a smiling meat puppet. Ok so it’s really just an actual puppet meant to look like one of the four remaining contestants. Then they must dragify these puppets and have a Bitch-Fest Puppet Show. (**Sidenote: My sister and I used to put on puppet shows for my parents. This was my start in show business. I also made the puppets myself. There’s your Pandora Fun Fact for the day.)
At first, I was like, good grief Charlie Brown. They are not making these queens do a puppet show. Did they run out of ideas? But then the puppet show started and I started cackling. How funny, bitchy and utterly bizarre was it all? They all made me chuckle but none more that Chad Michaels serving a hot plate of just desserts to Phi Phi O’Hara. From giving Phi Phi Puppet a snaggletooth to calling her out on wearing the same wig to mentioning “The Help” comment, Chad nailed that queen to the wall! Brava Chad, BRAVA!
“I’m always afraid I’m going to snag my costume on your tooth,” said Chad to Phi Phi Puppet and then sarcastically says,” I’m sure America is just going to love you.” Capital H period, capital A period, exclamation point. This is the moment I fall onto the floor and fan myself.
Of course, Chad wins this mini-challenge. The girls then find out they must complete three looks based on bitches, and by bitches we find out they mean female dogs. Huh? Yep. Three looks based on poochies. They must serve us Daytime Dog Park Realness, Pooch in a Purse Party Girl and Canine Couture. Oh lordy, lordy, lordy! Since Chad won the mini-challenge she get to pair the bitches with the bitches. The funniest pairing is Hunter, the Bloodhound, with Phi Phi. We soon learn that Hunter is in fact NOT a bitch when he tried to dry hump Phi Phi. Oh the joy of it all! That’s some funny shit right there.
Another shocking surprise, Phi Phi thinks she’s the best of the remaining girls and the strongest competitor which is why Chad gave her the biggest, most masculine dog. Don’t you mean that you cause the most drama and that’s why you’re still on the show?
So, I could go on and on about how adorable all these dogs are and how much I love dogs but instead I’ll just show you a picture of my pooch Bugsy. He is giving you Banana Realness:
Anyways, Ru works the workroom and chats with the girls. We find out Latrice lost everything in prison (sad face), Sharon is running out of pale foundation, Phi Phi thinks poodle skirts are very Parisian and the Chad wants to give us Little House on the Prairie Realness. Huh? I don’t even know what the hell is going on…
The top four find out not only do they have to create these three looks but now they must put together a Broadway style opening number. Oh Jumping Jujubees. What? Who thinks the producers just sit back and laugh their asses off when they see the queen’s faces? Hands?
Off to rehearsal with the girls and Chad is in charge because she won the challenge. Trust on this one, sometimes it isn’t fabulous to be the winner of the mini-challenge. I can vouch for that. Hello Burlesque Challenge Season Two! Sahara and I won and then had to separate and be team captains against each other. Wa-waaaaah.
Basically all you see from the rehearsing is drama and Phi Phi giving Stank Phace. I’m so tired of seeing Phi Phi giving Stank Phace that I can’t even do a shot when I see it anymore. I just start twatting on Twitter (@ThePandoraBoxx) until she’s off the screen.
Latrice thinks that the top four is Sharon Needles’ stop. “This is where you get off.” Uh-oh. If you only knew, Latrice. But I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s time for:
RuPaul sashays down the runway and giving it all to me with those dreadlocks. I don’t ever remember seeing her with this kind of ‘do before and I’m loving everything about it.
The guest judges are the sizzling Rose McGowan and the feisty Wynonna Judd who says, “I like it r-r-r-r-r-rough!” Ha!
Now we get the Bitch Ball Musi… what the HELL am I watching? Oh I can’t. I just can’t. It’s too much for me to even take. You are on your own here. Let’s just skip to the runway looks.
Daytime Doggy Park Realness:
Latrice – A sensible black top and a sparkly skirt would only be worn to the doggy park if that’s where you passed out after an all night drinking binge.
Phi Phi – She’s serving up Kenya Michaels’ Aunt Minaj.
Sharon – Giving us her best Marilyn from The Munsters.
Chad – Proving that Cher does walk her own dogs.
Pooch in a Purse Party Girl:
Latrice – She’s holding court in Church and I’m not talking about bibles, I’m talking about the nightclub Church down on the corner of Absolut and White Wine Spritzer Lane.
Phi Phi – She said it’s Rihanna if Rihanna had a dog. Yeah that minus the Rihanna part.
Sharon – Giving us Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night, Or any night.
Chad – Cher Kardashian heats up the runway!
Latrice – Girl, you got a little muff around the collar. Some club soda will get that out.
Phi Phi – Giving us Polished Turd Bathing Suit Couture.
Sharon – The drapes and the dog match.
Chad – Cruella hits the slopes for an Aspen retreat.
“I have no interest in real. Real people are boring,” said by Rose McGowan. And, I love her. Thank you, this is a DRAG competition. Giving realness has nothing to do with being real.
Ru then asks the inevitable question, “Which one of these bitches does not deserve to be the top four?”
Sharon says Phi Phi, of course. She goes on the say that Phi Phi is too cutthroat and America’s Next Drag Superstar should be nice and something about family values. Phi Phi calls bullshit and calls Sharon a liar. Phi Phi gets emotional and says she does value family. Latrice says Sharon should go because she sloppy and doesn’t hem her outfits even though Latrice’s dress is unhemmed. Chad thinks Phi Phi should go because she’s immature. Oh Chad, thank you for being polite on that one.
Not surprisingly, Sharon wins the challenge, again. She really did give us some fabulous looks. (If Sharon doesn’t win the whole shablam, there is going to be a revolt.) Phi Phi gives Stank Phace and is safe. Chad and Latrice have to lip sync for their lives to Wynonna Judd’s No One Else on Earth. Latrice gives us to it with her lip sync but it’s Chad who served the song. Latrice is sent packing.
In what is probably one of the most emotional sashays, Latrice thanks RuPaul and says her life has changed forever. “Thank you for seeing something special in me.” We all do Latrice. We all do.