'RuPaul's Drag Race': Pandora Boxx Ru-cap
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Goodbye Shady Bearded Lady is the song the dolls are singing in the You-Better-Work Room today (while Willam’s singing Chow Down (at Chick-fil-A) his YouTube smash hit). It’s a party to celebrate Willam’s departure. Ouch! Then, we are treated to a Ru-sterical recreation of the main stage by Sharon and Phi Phi. Too much and I love it!
Ruvatar pops up to cryptically talk about tea-baggers and some other political jargon. Ruvatar also says that, “No one likes an empty Boxx.” Yes, that is true.
The real RuPaul sashays into the room and says they must decorate a pair of heels inspired by an Absolut cocktail. They will be judged by Ru and Absolut’s Jeffrey Moran. The heels are all relatively cute with Phi Phi winning this mini-challenge. Oh! Before we move on, I love what Chad said of his fruit heels, “You need Vitamin C. You don’t want Scurvy, you know.” And of course Ru’s response, “I’ll never go through that again!” Love it! I just love that Scurvy made its comeback this season. Raspberries!
RuPaul announces to the ladies that they will all be running for President! Sadly, it’s actually less scary thinking of one of these queens as President than the actual Republican candidates.
Phi Phi burps. And burps again. And again. Either that or she was deep throating a frog. Through all the burping she says she used to want to be a lawyer. Like Star Jones? “That’s why you’re so confrontationally all the time,” Latrice says to Phi Phi.
Phi Phi replies, “I have to be right.”
Latrice, “Even when you are wrong?”
Phi Phi, “I’m never wrong.”
Latrice, “You’re wrong right now.” And most of the time.
Dan Savage comes in and talks to the queens and pretty much pisses on everyone’s parade. Except he does giggle when Sharon says she’s gone down on quite a few polls or poles. I can’t deal with all the fun being sucked out of a show about drag queens so let’s move right to the debate!
It’s time for Frock the Vote 2012! Give us 22 minutes and we’ll give you and erection for the election. Pun overload! Pun overload! Malfunction! Let’s just get to the good, the mediocre, the bad and the absolutely freaking terrible of the debate.
But before that I would like to say, I would like the secret service to escort me from the building.
The good:
Sharon Needles! - “This country is in need of a sex change.” This queen never ceases to amaze me. She nailed it. She looked perfect. Her answers were spot on. She blended the seriousness of a debate with the right dose of humor. “I believe in gay marriage and gay divorce,” said Sharon, “I too would like to be an unhappy married woman and receive my alimony checks to pay for my young lovers and vacations. Thank you.” GENIUS! And her closing remarks? “I’m just a girl of the streets. I’m Sharon Needles. Sharing responsibilities for a better world.” Yes! Can we just crown her the winner of this damn season already?
Chad Michaels – Chad’s Lady Pimp character started off shaky and I didn’t think it was going to work. But, Chad stayed completely in character the whole time and really was one of those crazy candidates that run for office every year. When asked about how she’d redecorate the White House, “I’m going to paint that bitch pink and give the Capitol an up-do. UP-Do!” It was wonderfully crazy and bizarre. Go Chad!
The mediocre:
Latrice Royale – “Peace with Latrice!” While the conviction was there, the delivery was not. Latrice just seemed more annoyed by other antics than focusing on herself. She had a similar problem in the Snatch Game. Girl, it’s Drag Race! You need to be focusing on yourself and let the other girls flop. But I give her props for wanting everyone to maintain some integrity. Unfortunately, not every queen on this show has integrity. She also never even mentioned her whole main platform. Her best line was after Dan Savage asked to give an example of some time where she made peace with someone she didn’t see eye to eye with. Her answer: “About five minutes ago I looked across at Miss O’Hara and realized that she was ugly and I’m at peace with that.” Yes! Living!
The bad:
Dida Ritz – Snore. I don’t even remember what she talked about at all. Oh wait, I do remember she wants the White House covered in Ralph Lauren everything. She mentioned it so much I hope she got paid to promote it. She also said she doesn’t care if a drag queen wants to marry another drag queen or even if a drag queen wants to marry a dog. Um. Hold up. You do realize that so many hate groups protest gay marriage by saying things like, what’s next marrying a dog? Dida debated a piping hot plate of air.
The absolutely freaking terrible:
Phi Phi O’hara – Phail. Big Phail. It’s a similar case with her performance in the Snatch Game. You can’t force funny. You either are or you’re not. This was not. I got that embarrassed for someone feeling watching it. Phi Phi’s whole act Phell Phlat. And then The Help comment. Oh lord. Now, I’m one for some non-PC humor but only if it’s funny and in the appropriate context. This was neither. Epic Phail Phail.
Runway!
RuPaul graces the main stage with her fabulous Mrs. Roper Realness ensemble. Love, love and a little more love! Did she just call Michelle Visage her Commander-in-Queef or was it Commander-in-Queen. I’m going to say the first one because it tickles my cooter.
Phi Phi O’Hara – Looks like there was a sale at David’s Bridal.
Dida Ritz – Looks like she hit the sale too and is Phi Phi’s bridesmaid.
Chad Michaels – Constance Langdon meets Lady Bird Johnson.
Latrice Royale – Winner of the WWE Battle Royale!
Sharon Needles – Mars Needs Presidents!
Does anyone else fall asleep when Santino talks? One word: monotone. And as per usual he is totally off the mark, actually saying Phi Phi’s act was funny. No. No it really wasn’t. Someone remind me, why is he a judge, especially now that Michelle Visage is such a brilliantly dynamic judge. It’s time for him to sashay away.
But before we get to the bottom two, let’s just bask in another amazing remark from Sharon Needles who says to Absolut’s Jeffrey Moran, “I love vodka and I have responsibly enjoyed your company many a nights.” Win!
The bottom two end up being Dida and Latrice. No shock with Dida and her lackluster debate but I would have tossed Phi Phi into the bottom instead of Latrice. That said, Latrice TURNED. IT. OUT! She delivered everything you wanted to see. Latrice did take it to church and served some old school without being old while Dida tried to Beyonce her way through it. Dida is asked to sashay away. Ru’s parting words to Dida were, “You are a young queen with a lot of imagination.” And clearly not a hairbrush.
Escandalo! Someone’s coming back next week! Dun-dun-duuuuuuun! My votes on Shangela. Halleloo!
