TV

‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’: Pandora Boxx Ru-cap

Seamen!


Spring break!  Girls Gone Wild!  Booze!  Tits!  Wait.  This isn’t MTV’s Spring Break, it’s RuPaul’s Drag Race, Episode Six.  Let’s try that again.  Spring Break!  Queens Gone Wild! Absolut! BoobsForQueens.com!  That’s, BoobsForQueens.com.

What a glorious hot ass mess it was watching the queens do a Wet T-Shirt Contest for “Spring Break.”  I mean that in the nicest way possible.  It was a sight to behold!  Sharon spits water.  Willam spooges, oh, um, er, I mean shoots lotion on himself.  Phi Phi falls apart.  Latrice has her crotch blurred.  Actually, it’s funny that the fake nipples had to be blurred.  Really?  So, who’s the biggest slut of them all?  Willam!  Shocked?  Not really.  He’s played one on TV, you know.

Back in the workroom, Ru gives a little herstory about Stonewall and how it was a drag queen, Marsha P. Johnson, who started the riots that lead to the Gay Rights Movement.  I am living for this moment because so often younger gays don’t seem to care to know anything that happened in the past.  The only way we can truly become better as human beings is to learn from our past.  Also, it wasn’t that long ago that a show like RuPaul’s Drag Race would have NEVER been on television.

I’ll get off my pulpit and get back to the show.  So, we find out the main challenge is all about Gay Pride.  Yes from wet, latex, titty-shaking to gay pride.  Only on Drag Race!  The queens must design a pride outfit and also a float with the theme “Hope Floats.”  Willam gets to choose his color of the gay rainbow first and then hands out colored handkerchiefs to the rest of the gals.  Do y’all know about the Hanky Code?  Google it for your education, children.

Willam starts to decorate his float with star stickers with his pictures on it.  Then he rattles on about his Dolce & Gabbana coat.  Can we just all bask in the sheer amazingness that is Willam’s ego?  Can’t you all feel it?  Smell it?  It smells a little like spray tan, duct tape and used condoms.  Am I the only one waiting for Willam to spontaneously combust from his own fabulousness?

I can’t even begin to discuss my frustration watching Ru talk to the queens in the workroom.  The only way I feel I can truly express my feelings is through a letter.  Please imagine it on pretty stationary:

Dear Future Drag Race Contestants,

When RuPaul tells you that you are missing the mark or you get the feeling he’s not loving what you are doing then you CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!  Who’s Drag Race is this?  RUPAUL’S!

Thank you,

Pandora Boxx

PS If you listen to me, you too can lose on RuPaul’s Drag Race(Wink and smile for the camera.)

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.  After Ru leaves, it gets so tense in the workroom it made my raisin pucker.  I think I was having a workroom flashback.  Honestly, the time you have to put everything together is never enough.  Plus add to it that we are down to seven contestants.  Everyone is feeling the heat, especially poor Jiggly.  Girl is just falling apart.

Phi Phi summed it up best, “Jiggly’s just out of her element being in this competition.  She is so far behind and it’s like girl just get your crap done.”

Amen!  I can’t stand when the queens make excuses for why they can’t do something.  Or why their outfit looked like refried shit.  Or why they didn’t do a good job.  Girl, you fucked it up.  Admit it.  Move on.

Oh, let’s cut to Sharon saying, “I have dignity looks and paycheck looks.”  Another amen, sister.  Sharon goes on to further explain that there are those numbers that she won’t bend on at all and are totally her.  Then there are those numbers she does because the electricity is about to get shut off.  Yes m’am!

Back to the workroom the next day and Jiggly’s monsterpiece is still not complete.  Phi Phi nails it again by saying, “Jiggly’s is still a mess.  It’s crap upon crap upon crap and it’s just a big pile of crap.”  But according to Jiggly, it’s very “St. Tropez?”  Oh.  That explains it.

Has anyone else notice that Phi Phi isn’t as nasty in this episode?  She still has bitchy comments but she’s actually dead on about them.

Runway!

Ru decides if he’s not getting nominated for an Emmy, he’s going to dress like one.  GORGeous!  Why this show hasn’t been nominated for an Emmy is beyond me.  Enter shameless Emmy nomination plug here.

Michelle Visage (who has been around drag queens so much her shoulders have sprouted bejeweled pads) and the snarky Billy B. are on deck for our regular judges,  accompanied by the fabulous Kelly Osbourne (didn’t she look amazing?) and stunning Pauley Perrette (love her!).

The runway looks:

Chad Michaels – A showgirl does Vegas at Sea!

Dida Ritz – Nothing says pride like glittery harem pants and a K-mart T-shirt.

Jiggly Caliente – Welcome aboard the Pumpkin Cruise Lines.

Milan – The Little Tugboat That Couldn’t.

Sharon Needles – Poison Ivy in the House of Slytherin.

Latrice Royale – Patty LaBelle is Ursula in the Disney Cruise version of The Little Mermaid.

Willam – Jessica Simpson stars in Butt Pirate of the Caribbean.

Phi Phi O’ Hara – Blade Runner meets Show Boat.

Chad, Phi Phi, Latrice, Sharon and Willam all turned it out.  So it really came down to who stood out the most.  The “Goth lesbian hiking boots” as Kelly Osbourne called them knocked Latrice out of winning the challenge.  Sharon’s look was fabu but her boat wasn’t as fabulous as the look.  Chad’s was gorgeous but that’s it.  Phi Phi, to me, had the best looking boat and her look was on point.  Willam just went a little further with a whole little gimmick.  Let us learn from Gypsy that You Gotta Have a Gimmick.  Willam wins the challenge and let’s out the dorkiest laugh.

“It feels correct to win.  When it’s right it’s right,” Willam smarmily says.

So humble.  Please note the hint of sarcasm there.

The bottom three end up being Milan, Jiggly and Dida.  There’s no real surprise there at all is there?  Jiggly describes her outfit and something about classing it up a bit.  To which Billy B. replies, “It’s like 6th grade class.”  Now that’s a genius comment.  Milan speaks about something.  Am I the only one who starts making a mental grocery list when she speaks?  Ok, I need butter, cheese… oh wait who was speaking?  Then Kelly Osbourne says this about Dida, “She was the only one up there with a camel toe.  You always have to go there darling especially if they’re tucking.”  Can we keep her?  Please?  Top of the list of best guest judges.  Ever!

Ru gives Dida a free pass and left to Lip Sync For Their Lives is Jiggly and Milan to Born This Way.  Hello budget for good songs!  Yes, please and thank you.  Generally, if you’ve been on the bottom three times you are sashaying away.  I just don’t understand how pulling all the stops out equates to ripping your wig off.  It’s one thing if it’s falling off and it’s another just to whip it off.  Wigless Milan is told to sashay away.  While I feel like Milan is talented, it seemed as though she was always trying to hard or just to over-exaggerated with everything.  What do you think?  Did the right person sashay away?  Who’s your pick for Top Three?  Sound off below!

Oh and don’t forget to find me on Twitter (@ThePandoraBoxx) and Facebook (www.facebook.com/thepandoraboxx).

SEE PANDORA”S OTHER RECAPS!

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5