‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’: Pandora Boxx Recap

Pretty queens!


I can’t believe it’s already week four of RuPaul’s Drag Race!  We’ve watched Alisa Summers, LaShauwn Beyond and The Princess sashay away and now it’s time to give another girl the high-heeled boot.  As the number of queens dwindles, we get a feel of who’s in it for the long haul.  Then again, anything can happen.  There will always be controversial eliminations and there will always be those make you go, “Eh, next!”

The gals come into the workroom and, per usual, there is general cattiness.  I feel like I’m an iTunes playlist set to repeat but again it all starts off with a dirty look from Phi Phi.  Though I have to say the reason behind it this time seems warranted.  I don’t think I’ve been shy in stating my love for some Sharon Needles but smug, much?  I don’t want bloody baby dolls thrown through my window for this but frankly, Sharon’s attitude in this episode sucked Slytherin ass.   When Phi Phi said, “Shut up before I smack you,”  I was hoping she would.  Then I realized that the battle we’ve been teased with in promos was finally coming to fruition tonight!  Girl Fight Tonight!

You’ve got She-Mail!

Ru-vatar starts speaking in famous catchphrases from various television shows.  I can’t even focus on what the challenge might be because I’m basking in this Pop Culture glory.  My favorite being “Kiss my grits,” which was Flo’s famous line from the TV show Alice. Love it!  Of course it’s easy to figure out that this is the acting challenge that has been done in past seasons with the country and space theme.  What’s the theme this time?  Prison.  Hello, Latrice!  Sorry but come on, we all thought the same damn thing.

The lady-dudes must pair up and here’s a shocker!  Madame is the last one picked and so is… Willam.

Willam says, “What did I do as a good Christian to end up with Madame.”

I don’t know but maybe you did a TV show about it at some point.  Did you guys know that Willam has been on television before?  Instead of doing the Phi Phi Dirty Looks Drinking Game we will be doing the Willam’s A TV Ho Drinking Game.  Every time Willam talks about being on TV before you take a shot, of humility.

Speaking of TV Shows, did you guys know I’m on TV too?  It’s true!  I’ll be on Are You There, Chelsea on NBC this Wednesday at 8:30/7:30c.

So the gals find out they have to do mug shots.  Hold up!  There’s more.  They also have to do each other’s makeup AND do it while handcuffed to each other!  WHAT?  This is the point that as a contestant I would be like,  OH HELL NO but as a viewer I want to kiss the producers on the mouth.  Brilliant!

The mug shots are terrifying but mostly in a good way.  Chad Michaels nailed it.  Milan worked it.  Latrice lived it.  I don’t just mean that literally.  This was some serious John Waters meets Foxy Brown B-Movie dazzling brilliance.  It scared me and I loved it.  However, it was Madame and Willam that added that little extra story line that Ru loves.  They splattered some “blue dye” which is used to prevent money theft, all over themselves.  This clever little stunt helped them win this mini-challenge.

Before we get to the ultra-fabulousness that is the Prison Sitcom Challenge (producers, another smooch from me) let’s quickly recap the lead-in.  Willam talks about being on TV.  Shot!  The teams are picked by pulling names out of a RuPaul’s Drag Race Ironfist Shoe Box.  Shameless plug!  Love it!  Then Willam and Madame’s teams go off and get working on their scripts.  Willam says sitcoms are his day job.  Shot!  Latrice gets the prison guard role.  Amazing.  Horticulture is an SAT word at the Jiggly School for Lollipops.   Ru chats with the girls.  Willam gives Ru his full acting resume.  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Drunk yet?  Milan tries to take control of the team, again.  Willam floats in the bubble of his own fabulousness, aided by some controlled substance I’d guess.  Cut.  Commercial.  Go directly to jail!

I’m peeing over the prison set.  It’s perfect.  I’m ready for some amazing shit to go down.  Sadly, a lot of what the queens delivered was just plain old shit.  Not every queen can be an amazing actor when they aren’t lip-syncing.  What I find funny about this challenge is that the two who were bragging the most about their acting, Milan and Willam, were the least interesting out of everyone.   Though I chuckled when the director of the skits Max Mutchnick asked William, “Why don’t you correct Ru when he says William?”  Willam’s reply?  “He’s got the hundred thousand dollar check.”  Yes m’am!

Then we come to the most painful part of this week’s episode for me.  I’m not talking about the diva smack down.  That’s the next paragraph.  I’m talking about Sharon Needles’ awful attitude in the acting challenge.   “I’m really good with dialogue but this is a tongue twister.”  No it really isn’t.  “Please don’t make me go over that line again.”  Whining? Really?  I was just a little shocked.  Maybe Sharon was having her period that day or something?  Wait.  Do vampires have periods?

Smack down time!  We’ve been teased for months of the bitch fight between Phi Phi and Sharon.  I have to say it did not disappoint.   I don’t even know how to sum it all up.   Instead here’s the Made-For-Television Lifetime Movie version:

SHARON: You pushed me into a spooky look!  And you slept with my husband!

PHI PHI: Oh because I told you to do something you were good at?  You’re not even on the same level as me.  And you slept with my husband!

SHARON: Tired ass showgirl.

PHI PHI: Go back to Party City where you belong.  (Throws vase)

SHARON: (Throws wooden stake) I’m the future of drag.  You’re twenty years ago.

(Phi Phi lunges over the work room table at Sharon.  They fall to the ground and roll across the room screaming obscenities.  Latrice enters and grabs Sharon and Phi Phi by their weaves and lifts them off the ground.)

LATRICE: Not in this house!  And I slept with both of your husbands.

(Jacklyn Smith or Tiffani Amber Thiessen or Tracy Gold or Kellie Martin or some Lifetime Movie Actress runs in.)

LIFETIME MOVIE ACTRESS: Oh the humanity!

END SCENE

RuPaul to the runway!  Ru is giving me some Pan Am: Glamazon Edition.  Fierce!  When Ru asks guest judge Nicole Sullivan what her MadTV Character Kathy Wajonowski, the Vancome Lady, would think of her ensemble Nicole replies, “Looks like Little Orphan Annie sat in the sun too long and got a boob job.”  I die!

The Runway Looks:

Phi Phi O’ Hara – Showgirl but maybe not a tired ass one.

Latrice Royale – Attack of the 50 Ft Glamazon!

DiDa Ritz – Running late for her next “date.”

Madame LaQueer – Divine’s Hollywood makeover.

Willam – Serving Westwood at 5 o’Clock

Kenya Michaels – Lil’ Kim Lopez.

Chad Michaels – Final Fantasy’s Priestess Cher.

Jiggly Caliente – Snooki’s cousin heading to Homecoming.

Milan – J.J. Walker does Vegas.

Sharon Needles – The lovechild of Carol Channing and Elton John.

Now we get to see each team’s Hot in Tuckahoe sitcoms. Please let’s just bask in the glow of the sheer amazingness of that name.

Team Madame, oy.  Let’s just say that you shouldn’t try and work a British accent when you can even speak the language that well.  The only thing good about Team Madame’s sitcom was DiDa who really served it up Shirley style from What’s Happening.  I think Nicole Sullivan summed it up best, “She made some piss poor casting choices.”  Speak it Nicole!

Team Willam clearly did better with their act with Latrice stealing the show.   I could watch Latrice roll her head for hours.  Where’s the GIF? Not surprisingly, Latrice wins the whole challenge.  Who else is loving them some Ms. Royale?

Before I get to the final two and the LSFYL, I just have to shout out Michelle Visage for saying exactly what she thinks.  When she told DiDa to, “Lotion up girl, lotion up.”  Child, I fell out.

Oh and then guest judge/director Max Mutchnik says this about fan-favorite Sharon Needles, “ I don’t like the look.  I don’t like the name.  I don’t want to see a sitcom starring the little girl from The Ring.”  ZING!  OUCH!   Max had some clever little quips in this episode.   We’ll just leave it at that since I’d like to work in television.  That reminds me, don’t forget I’m on Are You There, Chelsea on NBC,  Wednesday, February 22 at 8:30/7:30c.

The two queens who end up in the bottom two are Milan and Madame LaQueer.  What’s the smell in the air?  It’s called Desperation and it’s the fragrance Milan is featuring.  In what has got to be one of the oddest Lip Sync For Your Lives, Milan did just about everything but flash her balls to get attention.  At one point she did a move I don’t even know how to describe so I’ll just go with Willam’s description, “She looked like she was Swiftering the floor with her taint.”  Line.  Of.  The.  Night.  Whatever Milan was doing worked.  She stayed.  Madame left.  And then there were nine.

So who are your front-runners?  Have you sided with a team yet?  Sound off below!  Or let me know what you think on www.facebook.com/ThePandoraBoxx or www.twitter.com/ThePandoraBoxx.

SEE PANDORA”S OTHER RECAPS!

EPISODE 1

EPISODE 2

EPISODE 3