‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ Recap: Dance Like Chaz Bono Is Watching

What up now Portman?

What up now Portman?

Hello, Drag Racers. Did you all have a nice Valentine’s Day? I hope so. I know it can be hard, finding yourself alone again, and looking at a long, bleak future without the brief weekly sparkly of Monica Beverly Hillz. Maybe I’m projecting. I don’t know.

After her elimination last week, she dashed off a special, Beverly Hillzian goodbye mirror message: “Love all of u guy’s remember.” God. That’s just so Monica. Isn’t it? So Monica? Be strong, everyone.

At the beginning of this week’s episode, Coco said that she needs to focus and stop being distracted by Alyssa. Vivienne Pinay is mad at Roxxxy because Roxxxy didn’t let Vivienne’s light shine through enough in last week’s challenge. I feel like this could all be solved with a trained mediator and some positive “I feel” messages. But I also know that they’re pressed for time.

Drama!

Drama!

Ru shows up looking FLAWLESS in an afro wig for the mini challenge, which involves ferreting out the best dancers among the remaining contestants. My prediction? All of them. But I’m biased, because by now, I think of all of these girls as my children.

The drag racers put on crazy wigs and prepare for a dance off. My favorite is Honey Mahogany, but Jinkx frowns, “Honey dances like a white chick.” Oh no! Is that bad? I don’t know, I’m a white chick.

Ru declares Jinkx and Coco the winners. I don’t disagree, especially because Jinkx did a split. Just an ignorant question, but can ALL drag queens do splits? Every five seconds on this show, someone is doing a split. Sometimes I don’t know whether I’m watching RuPaul’s Drag Race or a live feed of a crazy after party in the Olympic Village. Does the talent ever end?

Splits? It's nothing...

Splits? It’s nothing…

For the main challenge, they’ll be debuting an original drag ballet called “No RuPaulogies.” It’s going to be all about the life of RuPaul, so I’m just delighted. I literally clapped my hands together and said as much.

Coco and Jinkx get to pick their teams, and Coco picks Alyssa first. Guys, I don’t know about you, but I feel like LOGO owes us each a new teacup, because I sure as hell dropped mine in surprise. But you know what? What a nice thing. What emotional generosity. Coco Montrese is an example to us all.

Coco doesn’t pick Jade which hurts her feelings since they’ve been so close, but hopeful Jade knows it’s not personal. Vivienne gets picked last and is unhappy about being on a team of “loudmouths.” I think she may have forgotten that some of of our greatest performers and world leaders have been extroverts.

Sad Jade

Sad Jade

Alaska admits that she can’t dance. Actually, Jinkx asks Alaska if she dances and she replies, “Me murr mr mee murr mur.” It’s okay, Alaska. Everybody brings something different to the table, and not everybody has been touched by the muse Terpsichore.

The judges will be Travis Wall the choreographer and Chaz Bono. Alaska is excited as I am.

“Chaz Bono came out of Cher’s vagina!” he notes. It’s a fact we sometimes forget. Isn’t the human body a miracle?

Lineysha is very confident about playing Diana Ross, despite not knowing who Diana Ross is. Oh no! Diana Ross? Really? This is mildly distressing to me but I remember Lineysha saying something about having a difficult childhood, so I am going to give her a bye.

Alyssa owns and operates a dance studio, so her team is passé-ing and plié-ing and jeté-ing and relevé-ing. They’re just generally showing off some power moves. Poor Ivy Winters, who’s on team Jinkx, admits she [expletive deleted] her pants seeing them. It’s okay, Ivy — of course, the ability to dance is a coveted skill, but remember how much heart you bring to your team. You can’t teach that in a studio.

Travis Wall and his equally hot pal.

Travis Wall and his equally hot pal.

While the queens prepare to shine, Honey Mahogany tells a story about the time his parents found out he was gay and sent him to Africa. It makes me really sad that time travel does not exist, because the first thing I would use the technology for is going back in time, finding child-size Honey Mahogany, and adopting him. He’d be confused at first, but then I think we’d make a great family.

“No RuPaulogies” is a smash. I predict it out-runs “Phantom” and “CATS” combined, and that the Curtis Hanson adaptation will sweep the Oscars in 2015. I’ve already started the “F-yeah No RuPologies” tumblr and written several installments of “No RuPaulogies” fan fiction. It’s good, is what i’m saying.

Then, it’s time for the runway competition, and everybody looks lovely as usual. They love Jinkx’s dancing but not her crazy eyepatch outfit. Chaz Bono loves Ivy Winters’ gown and I think she may die from happiness. Alyssa did a great job with dancing and the walk-off, which is no surprise, because, she’s like a quintuple threat. Those exist, Alyssa is proof. Clearly, she is the winner.

In the end, Vivienne and Honey are up for elimination. They belt a little Britney, but they’re just not the glittering supernovae we’ve come to love. RuPaul agrees, and eliminates them both. Oh man oh man. My chamomile is a little salty tonight, because I shed twice the usual amount of tears.

I’m sad to see them go, but this is the business we call show, and it is not always sunshine and rainbow wigs. When I close my eyes tonight, I will see both of them pirouetting, like glass ballerinas in the music box of my soul. Also, probably Chaz Bono’s chin beard.

See you all next week, my fishy friends. Be strong, and call me if you need to talk.

Drag Queen Travel Tips: Ivy Winters’ Michigan