‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ Recap: Glamorvalderama

This. Is. Everything.

This. Is. Everything.

And we’re back, after a brief week off, which I assume was meant to be an emotional respite in which to recover from the untimely elimination of Ivy Winters.

Everybodeeeeeeee is still a little raw, particularly Jinkx, who we last learned was harboring feelings for Ivy that went beyond appreciation for her beauty. Jinkx was bringing realness realness, and I’m just not sure she or I have the wherewithal to deal with it.

Jinxk also confronts Coco and Alyssa about their continued lack of respect for her zany approach to drag. But as Alaska explains, the best revenge is just to do better. The tension is at an all time high. It’s a lot like when our parents were splitting up, because one of them was a Comedy Queen and one of them was a Pageant Girl.

This week’s mini challenge was to cry on cue. Is Ru just messing with us now? Because with only three episodes left and no Ivy Winters, I feel more prepared than ever.

“There’s nothing more sad than the tears of a drag queen,” says RuPaul, at like, the EXACT same moment I do, alone in my apartment, wrapped in a heirloom quilt.

Then after all of the faux waterworks, Detox actually cries, because she lost her boyfriend two years ago and seeing people pretend to be sad makes her actually cry. It’s incredibly sad. After RuPaul deliberates, and I make a cathartic call to my therapist, Alyssa and Detox are declared the winters.

For the main challenge, the ladies will each be creating a faux telenovela. I recently wrote a letter to my senator complaining about the lack of affordable healthcare and all-drag Spanish soaps in my state, so I was pretty pleased. Our government at work.

After teams are picked, it turns out that RolAskaTox will be working together on “Ella Es No Dama,” leaving Jinkx, Coco and Alyssa on “Casa de Locas.” Wow. Move over, Delores Kearns Goodwin. This is a real “Team of Rivals!”

And boy, are things rough right away. Alyssa starts looking in Jinxk’s wardrobe for an outfit, and anybody who’s ever had a thinner sister knows that’s never a good idea. Coco points out that, for a pageant girl, Alyssa sure didn’t bring enough outfits. To be fair, I don’t think Rick Steves has covered how to pack for a drag competition show, so I know I’d also be like, totally in the weeds there.

The three amigas!

The three amigas!

Some of the ladies fare better with Spanish than others — Jinkx is serving up less novela realness than Chef Boyardee. She’s also planning some kind of crazy Dia de los Muertos outfit, which, while peripherally Latin, is not really part of any Spanish soap that I’ve seen. And I’ve seen a lot! I rarely pay my cable bill.

Guest judge Maria Conchita Alonso is there to help with rehearsals, and they’ll be running lines with Wilmer Valderamma. I don’t trust him, but then again, I don’t trust ANYBODY who’s broken Mandy Moore’s heart.

But the girls shriek like he’s relevant still, so if they’re excited, I guess I am too. Team Casa de Locas’ sketch involves faking an orgasm, and Alyssa’s version of this seems to involve choking and dry heaving. Ru doesn’t think this is a realistic, but hey, I’ve been there. Coco is too Wilmerized to finish her lines. It’s kind of… un desastre.

Ole!

Ole!

Finally, it’s time for judging. The usual suspects are joined by MCA (hm, weird, never noticed that) and Jamie Lynn Sigler. The runway felt particularly high-stakes this week, with a lot of the contestants who had been bringing up the rear doing their damnedest to serve it up muy caliente.

The judges agreed that Roxxxy had redeemed herself for some of her past failings, and rather than coming down on Jinkx for her wacky choices, praised her for her boldness. She’s long been emerging as a real contender, and whether you love her or like, really really super her, it felt completely earned won again.

And alas, Coco and Alyssa are in the bottom. We knew this day would come. The ladies had to lip sync to Paula Abdul’s “Cold Hearted,” which was weird to hear without the sound of a running shower and my own thin, vodka-distorted voice.

It also culminated in a Mortal Kombat-esqure final confrontation between the two, and they did not disappoint. It was painful to watch, and culminated in Coco actually collapsing in a moist ochre heap.

I had a cat I really loved growing up that, instead of getting sick and dying, kind of did a sassy walk into the woods on day. And similarly, it almost felt like Alyssa knew it was time — she started talking about lip-synching for her life even before she knew she was up for elimination.

So when she was asked to sashay away, it was sad, but not wholly unexpected, like when my cat died. She wrote an exuberant farewell message, tilted her head back, screamed her name to the heavens, and left. Much like, again, when my cat.

There are just three episodes left, and I’m already wondering what I’ll do with my time. Probably a lot of kayaking, reading, and meditating. That’s what my therapist and I decided i should do when I get the urge to call her, during reality television programs.

See you next week, mi amigas pescadas.

Jinkx Monsoon Performs ‘ I Dreamed A Dream,’ Kills It: WATCH