‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ Recap: I Know Who Killed Judy Garland

Red, white and blue!

Red, white and blue!

The Buddha once said that you should take every piece of criticism handed to you as if it were a jewel. There sure are a lot of jewels being lobbed around this week.

I do miss the old camaraderie where it actually seemed like everybody might be friends, but we’re down to only five girls and things are getting tough. It’s just what competition does to people. It’s sad, but I understand; I remember applying for all the same ivies as my best girlfriends as though it were yesterday.

For today’s mini challenge, the ladies have to work out while dressed as a woman. Having never successfully done that myself, I was impressed. Their exercises were led by a dashing young man from Barry’s Bootcamp, whose drill sergeant banter was some of the most pleasant I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to motivate them or reading off a list of herbal tea they might like to try.

Alaska is the last queen crunching, so she wins. Then Ru brings out five gay men who served in the military before the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I begin to notice how dusty my apartment is just in case I will be having a hearty cry that is in no way related to emotions.

To celebrate their service, the ladies are going to dress the soldiers up in drag and make them dance around with flags. I don’t know how I feel about this. I knew the kids in band in high school who were the “color guard” and I don’t know that ANYBODY should be forced to emulate them in any way.

Since she won the last challenge, Alaska gets to chose who’s paired with whom. She takes the “tall pretty one” for herself, but Jinkx is like a pig in mud with the cuddly teddy bear marine named Dave who MAY HAVE KILLED JUDY GARLAND, so joke fully on her.

Roxxxy, who used to be Captain Body Acceptance of the SS Everyone Is Beautiful, is a little upset about being paired with Izzy, a short furry guy. Detox is distracted by her partner’s extreme beauty, and it’s like, wow, welcome to OUR world, Detox.

I’m just worried about this flag twilring routine.

Some of the soldiers have an easier job of it than others, but some of them are convincing enough to be banned from submarines like real women. Alaska and her protege Nebraska look better in catsuits than I ever will, even with the lumpy padding that Santino described as looking “like a pair of hams.” Wow. Actually typing that into a sentence gave me a real kind of peace just now.

Today’s guest judges are Clinton Kelly and George Kotsiopoulos are pretty hard on everybody’s flag routines, which admittedly were not great. But nobody said this was RuPaul’s Flag Routine, and it’s a good thing, too. George even questions the “taste level” of a few of the performances, which, okay. I’m not sure what show he thinks he’s on. Weirdly, nobody mentions the fact that one of the contestants KILLED JUDY GARLAND.

Roxxxy and her hairy marine before...

Roxxxy and her hairy marine before…

Roxxy and the generously proportioned little bear that she dutifully shaved win this challenge. The prize is a shopping spree at American Apparel. On the one hand I was like, “Oh cool!” and on the other I was like, “Oh no, they don’t cut things for girls built like us.”

In the end, Coco and Detox are up for for elimination. Detox isn’t worried, however, since lip-syncing is her thing. I agree. She should be arrested because she absolutely slays “Two to Make it Right” by Michelle Visage, not unlike the way Dave might have killed Judy Garland.

Detox, not having the best day

Detox, not having the best day

Coco is eliminated and shows a positively un-Montresian level of composure. It’s sad, but it was time, and plus she said it gave her closure with Alyssa Edwards, whom I miss and actually had a dream about the other day. You know, just in case you were doubting my commitment.

As usual, this week’s episode red, white and blew me away. I will see you all next time, when we get down to the only final four that matters: Roxxy, Alaska, Detox, and Jinkx.

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