It’s only the first episode without Serena ChaCha, and while I don’t disagree with her elimination, I will admit that her absence does make for a melancholy opener. Her goodbye mirror message is a poignant if slightly confusing “God bless America Viva Panama Keap bearing light QUEENS xoxo Serena ChaCha.” I don’t know about you guys, but I felt pretty patriotic. I’m not even from Panama.
Nobody else seems particularly sad to see Serena go, but it’s nice that everybody is supportive of Monica Beverly Hillz, who spilled the big secret that she’s transitioning last week.
Speaking of secrets, the Miss Gay America vendetta between Coco and Alyssa was still being dangled tantalizingly out of reach. I guess Alyssa was crowned but I guess Coco ended up ascending the throne, for some reason.
“Legally I had to,” says Coco. Basically it’s a whole Mary Queen of Scots/Elizabeth I thing. I don’t know, it’s been awhile since AP Modern Euro.
We don’t quite get the whole story. I suppose I could probably just look it up. But I don’t want to spoil it. Maybe I like being toyed with.
For their first challenge, the contestants are taxed with turning a small dummy into a “sickening junior pageant baby.” I think that means one who looks good.
Everybody does a pretty great job. Roxxxy and Detox do a fun little thing where they make fun of Rachel Zoe, although Detox looks a little bit more like Marilyn Manson dragging as an Olsen. Jinkx and Jade make a scary monster baby, and Coco throws some shade at Alyssa for no particular reason. But the obvious favorite sickening dummy child is Lil’ Pound Cake, who will haunt my nightmares, but who wins the challenge for her loving parents, Alaska and Lineysha.
For the main challenge, they will have to create characters for children’s television.
“What the motherfucking hell?” wonders Monica Beverly Hillz, who’s always saying what we’re all thinking.
Linseysha and Alaska get to be team captains. On Team Lineysha, our captain volunteers an idea. “Why don’t we make a muffin, and he talking like, UGHHHHHHH?” Okay. What? Anyhow, they decide to make a multilingual puppet show. Coco doesn’t like this idea and wanders off.
Team Alaska goes with a barnyard motif. Alyssa is cast as the cross-dressing uncle, which I guess some people have on their farms. There’s also an anti-communist motif.
In rehearsals, Monica Beverly Hillz kind of blanks and sinks Team Alaska. But over on Team Lineysha, Ru compares Coco to the monster from Saw. We’ll have to wait and see how things go in the big show.
Coco and Alyssa have a come-to-Jesus. Coco says his marriage almost broke up because of the pageant kerfuffle. Alyssa says something about being a drug addict and a mentor. For a minute it looks like they’re going to bury the hatchet, but Coco starts crying and the whole thing kind of goes to hell.
On the runway, Ru looks so beautiful that I can’t even take it. She’s like the sun. I wish I had a special box with a small hole in it with which to view her. Paulina Porizkova and The Other Coco are the guest stars, which is very exciting for all of us, because, Coco.
Everybody does their children’s shows, and with a couple of exceptions, everybody does a nice job. I kind of love Alaska’s crazy barnyard show, but not everybody was in drag, so they get points off for that. Coco and Honey do kind of a not great job with their ventriloquist routine. Did anybody read that Goosebumps about the scary puppet? Not sure why I’m bringing that up here. Maybe all this talk of childhood.
They love Roxxxy, Jinkx, and Detox’s performances especially, and I have to agree. What a show. They are upset with Alaska for being out of drag and found Monica lackluster.
On the runway, some fare better than others, and some wear fishnet bodysuits. Drag Coco cries on the runway from her beautiful “Dune” eyes. We also find out that Other Coco has a melodic, tuneful laugh, like wind chimes made out of human bones.
Monica Beverly HIllz and Coco are up for elimination. Not Ice-T’s wife. Who could eliminate her for anything? Not me.
When it comes to lip-syncing for their lives (to the Pussycat Doll’s “When I Grow Up”), Monica looks distracted and distant. Coco is dressed like a baby cheerleader from space but she sure has a lot of energy and kind of goes along with the theme of the song. I don’t know, I like them both. I sure feel a lot during this show.
Sadly, Monica Beverly HIllz goes back home, but Ru sends her off with kind words.
“I love you,” says Monica.
“We love you,” says Ru. “Now sashay away.”
Did anybody else get choked up here? I don’t know, I have a complicated relationship with my father. I kind of want to know what happened to Lil’ Poundcake. I hope somebody took her to a children’s hospital, so she can bring her brand of joy to the masses.
Keep bearing light, queens. See you next week.