‘RuPaul’s Drag U’: Pandora Boxx Ru-cap

Pandy!

Are you ready to take a dip in Lake Titicaca again?  Well, put some clothes on you shameless hussy!  Class is in session again at RuPaul’s Drag Uand my most favorite professor ever is on this week.  Me!  Kidding.  Sort of.  This week it’s dangerous curves ahead!  Yes, it’s our annual “Big Girls Need Love Too” episode.  Our big girls for this season are Amber, Mary and Sinead, large but definitely not in charge.  That’s why they enrolled at Drag U, so they can shake what their mama gave them.

The professors this week are moi, Pandora Boxx (in case for some reason you didn’t realize I’m the same person), Raja, wearing her grandmother’s afghan and Sharon Needles, our professor of the Dark Arts.  And what’s one of the first things Sharon says?  “Those eyebrows, cheekbones, full lips, I wish I was fat and black.”  Oh Sharon.

Uh-oh girl.  Mary is already crying.  Raja has her work cut out for her.  Let’s hope she can turn those tears into tears of glitter.  While Mary is crying I tell Sinead she’s not bringing sexy back or forward.  Let’s be honest though, these gals Everyday Drag look is serving up a piping hot pile of Schlumpadinka Shit.

Quick Drag time!

Uh, oh, oo, yeeeeesssss!  Sorry, I just had a glamour orgasm.

“Smaller the hair, closer to hell,” says Professor Needles.  Words to live by.

After our voluptuous ladies put together their Quick Drag look, they all look like single gals at a Clown Academy’s Sadie Hawkins Dance.  Sigh.  We need to dragulate these bitches, stat.

Amber becomes Daisy Flowers!

Mary becomes Stella Constellation!

Sinead becomes Rita Rocket!

Oh these drag names.  Two out of three ain’t bad but the Dragulator might need a tune-up.  The looks, however, are stunning.  Zebra print for everyone!

What’s that lingering scent of a he-woman in the air?  Must be time for this week’s Lady Lesson!  This week’s lesson is all about kissable lips with style guru Brandon Liberati.  Sexy silver fox!  Yes!  He can teach me how to kiss any day.  Oh wait, it’s about putting on lip liner and such.  Damn.  These are some great tips, though, ladies.  So take notes.  I’ll be watching Brandon work it while you are doing that.

Did Amber say, “I’m more comfortable in pants.”  Duh girl, we all are but this is Drag U!

Everyday Drag Look time, which is geared to sass up the ladies’ real lives.  Now listen up girls and guys too, sometimes you have to dress up a bit.  Just for yourself because if not for you, then for who?  Love ya-self children!

Dance Class!

Hold the phone!   Look at that Ass ‘O Death!  Adam Cook!  Yes, please!  He is so freaking hot I can’t stand it.  I’ll admit that I just stared at his amazing butt the whole dance class.  The ladies are struggling with the dance class, maybe they are just caught up in Adam haze too.

“Adam is adorable.  I’m going to clone him and make him earrings,” Sinead says.  Love her.

Ok come on ladies, get that ga-dunk-a-dunk-dunk!  Not a clunk-a clunk-clunk.

Sharon gives us the golden rule of drag and really all of show business, “Fake it ‘til you make it.”  Amen.

After Morgan McMichaels gives away the drag secret of covering your eyebrows with a glue stick and some dolphins jump out of a fountain, it’s time for the students to get their one on ones with Mr. RuPrah Winfrey.  RuPrah tells Sinead that she needs to think of Rita Rocket as her nanny.  Rita should be a consciousness that says whatever you do is perfectly fine.  This nanny needs to take care of herself.  Amber gets told to counter the little voice in her head with Daisy.  She’s riding the pity party train and it’s time to get off and start to feel good.  RuPrah finds out that Mary thinks her husband isn’t in love with her but through the Tao of Ru, she realizes that she’s the one who doesn’t love herself.  The lesson here is to use your super hero secret identity to make you the person you want to be.

It’s Draguation time, bitches!

Watch us pummel the runway, sweetie darling!

Let the draguation commence.  Oh, but, first let’s just say how sexy and gorgeous guest judge Holly Robinson Peete is looking?  Get it girl.  Daisy Flowers shantés down the runway serving some Chaka-sass!  Stella Constellation shines up the night!  Rita Rocket killed it.  KILLED IT.  I know she’s my girl and all but come on now, bitch ATE THE RUNWAY!   She really did knock my tits off.  I’m still trying to find the right one.  It’s probably lost in Bunny’s wig.

It’s group performance time to What’s Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner.  Or should I say Tita Turter!  I can’t tell you just how much I love me some Tina.  Living legend.  Hash-tag Everything.  Don’t flunk it up ladies!  And they don’t.  They really are serving up some sensuality and really let go.  Well, there’s letting go and then there is knocking it out of the G.D. park.  Sinead/Rita lived it out there.  She was in character from start to finish.  We as professors can only do so much.  It’s up to the students to do the work.  Sinead did the work or shall I say she worked it!

Lady Bunny summed it up best, “Rita Rocket is a hilarious clown and I would pay to see that bitch.”

Sinead/Rita wins and that makes a win for me each season I’ve been on Drag U!  Huzzah!  P.S.  I absolutely loved working with Sinead.  We had a blast together.  She is shelarious.  Oh and we get to see Sinead walk the runway one last time with Kathy Griffin.  Oh wait, that was me.

Join me next week not only with next week’s Ru-Cap but on the show as well.  Sadly, it’s the season finale of Drag U.  Class will be dismissed August 6th on Logo.  Coincidentally (or not at all), my new cover of Samantha Fox’s 80’s hit, I Wanna Have Some Fun, will be released after it airs, at midnight.  And if that wasn’t enough you’ll also find out who will be joining me on RuPaul’s All Stars Drag RaceIt’s will be a glamour orgasm on August 6th, baby.

Don’t forget all things Pandora can be found at www.pandoraboxx.com.