Alas, we have come to the end of another semester of RuPaul’s Drag U. What did you think of this season? Before we toss our wigs into the air to celebrate, we need to draguate one more class from the shores of Lake Titicaca. This week’s girls are literally girls, well, they look like it anyways. These are adult women who need to stop dressing like a teen and enter womanhood, for the second time. Cristy wants to look sexy for her boyfriend. M.J. needs to find a man, like as in right this damn minute. Nicole is a mom who wants to grow up to be a beautiful woman. You’ve come to the right place ladies. Now as RuPaul says walk this way students! The “walk this way” is so corny and goofy but it makes me giggle each week. Oh but before they walk out we learn the top draguate will win a $1000 gift certificate to Overstock.com, a lifetime supply of the fantabulous Cinema Secrets cosmetics and $3166.66 of course.
Once in the drag lab the ladies meet their drag professors: the ever-fabulous Raven, the large and definitely in charge Latrice Royale and some queen who just released a new single on iTunes, Pandora Boxx. Oh wait are those some corsets from Corset Connections I spot? They are fabulous!
Yes, when I first met Cristy, I found her adorable and quite shy. I really just needed to shake her. In fact, all these ladies need a good shake. I’ve said it before but it repetition helps the learning process. You must not shake a baby but you can shake adults. Shake them and shake them hard. Snap out of it!
Oh Sweet Jebus on the Holy Mount of the Sacred Nunsense! What the shazbot are those Happy Hour looks? Tragic. Like seriously tragic. I would weep for these looks if I hadn’t have sold my tear ducts for a pair of heels. They were really pretty heels, just so you know.
Besides the fact that all these ladies can’t dress themselves, we also find out that M.J.’s ex stole all of her damn money, Cristy is serving Miss Celie by covering her mouth when she smiles and Nicole has had a lot of ex-husbands. Husbands should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. (Name that movie.)
Now actually there quick drag looks ended up pretty cute. We just need to Spackle those faces with some paint! But now it’s time to Dragulate these hos!
Cristy transforms into Dita Devastation! Gams and glamour!
M.J. warps into Veronica Van Thunder! Teets and S E X!
Nicole shablams into Danielle Divine! Blond and purr-fect!
I’m totally living for Lady Bunion’s outfit. Gorgeous! This week’s Lady Lesson is all about shape wear and here to promote his new shape wear line instruct the ladies on how to shape their bodies is Dr. Rey or Dr. 90210. Dr. Rey, oh where do I start. He’s a very interesting fella and we’ll leave it at that. He’s definitely all about helping these women feel sexy. Latrice is real, real happy with M.J.’s little “starter booty.” Yes!
Conflama. The conflama on RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars will be cray-cray. The house down.
“What do your lady berries think about it? Let me listen. We would like to be out in the open and breathe.” Oh Pandora Boxx, you witty bitch.
Then a gem from Latrice: “Embrace your sexy. Bring Veronica Van Thunder the hell on out.” Yes m’am! Do you want to argue with Latrice? I think not.
Wait what did I just say? Oh yeah, “These corsets are great from CorsetConnections.com.” Yes that’s what I said. CorsetConnections.com. Wink, wink. Actually, they are really frakking gorgeous corsets! Werk!
You can’t go an episode without Raven delivering some of that Raven-Sassafras, “Latrice, that hair. You got Miss M.J. hidden up in there?” Amongst other things I’m sure.
The new Happy Hour Looks/Every Day Drag! There is some sexiness going on up in those new frocks. Don’t frock it up girls.
Dance class with sexy, sexy, did I say sexy Jamal Sims. He can butter my toast any day. Ok, and who doesn’t love them some Flashdance (What a Feeling)? Yes! Well maybe our ladies because they are definitely not getting the feeling. “This is neither a flash nor a dance,” says MamaTrice. #Truth. But this is just the beginning of dance class and I think these ladies can be whipped into shape.
The next day and praise Madonna there’s a change in Cristy. “Is your body rejecting Shlumpadinka clothes?” Halleloo it is!
Dolphins frolicking in the fountain mean it’s time for the girls to meet with their sage advisor, the keeper of the keys, RuPrah. Cristy got teased a lot as a child and it continued into adulthood. RuPrah let’s Cristy know that the teasing has nothing to do with her. It’s about them being insecure with themselves. Amen. Ru’s mama used to always say, “Unless they going to pay your bills, pay them no mind.” Halleloo!
M.J. can’t let go of her relationship from a year ago. You know, that douchebag who stole all her things and he is a douchebag. RuPrah tells M.J. that she is not a victim. M.J. says he made her feel like she wasn’t beautiful and Ru calls out some bullshit. RuPrah says, “No one can make you feel inferior unless you give them consent.” Which is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. Yes, yes, yes! I just need to interject how much I love RuPaul. Halleluyer!
Oh wait it’s me talking again, “Latrice and Raven switched wigs today. I don’t know why cuz it didn’t work the first time.”
And Latrice’s response, “Pandora, you see nobody wanted to wear your hair.” Ha! I live! Hunty, I live!
Back to RuPrah’s last interview with Nicole. Some ignoramus parents wouldn’t let their kids play with Nicole’s kids because she has three ex-husbands. What? What century are we living in? That’s almost as ridiculous as saying they wouldn’t let them because Nicole showed her ankles in public. It’s 2012 people, look at the divorce rate! Well Nicole you are fabulous as all the ladies are. RuPrah encourages Nicole to make Danielle Divine the super hero of the bride. Make her make you feel beautiful from inside.
Nicole says, “I knew I would make a change here. I just didn’t know it would be so profound.” Right there is what it’s all about. It’s getting these women and everyone to look at themselves a different way. Look at yourself the way that the people who love you look at you. It all starts with loving yourself.
Cristy is ready for it and says, “This butterfly is throwing her caterpillar cocoon away.” Yes mama!
Aw! Nicole’s son is adorable! He just wants her to feel pretty on the inside like she is on the outside. That’s exactly what I was saying. It’s about seeing yourself through other people’s eyes.
Jalisa says, “It’s Draguation time, bitches!”
Look at our fierceness coming down the runway, hunty! Yes! You know we look fierce in front of our lovely guest judge Joely Fischer! Love her!
Let’s get to our draguates! Cristy/Dita is a shy girl no more! Sexing it up on that runway. M.J./Veronica! Look at her just strutting her shit down that runway! Nicole/Danielle giving us some smoldering temptress! And PS I want that wig. Now we all know that the group performance can shake things up but they were all giving it to me. I saw the sexiness. I saw the flirtation. I saw them just enjoying themselves up there. I will say that Miss Van Thunder did serve up just a dash more of that va-va-va-voom! It’s that little extra edge that wins Veronica/M.J. the spot of top draguate. This was a tough class to pull out of their little girl shells but they should all be proud of their fabulosity!
It’s been a fun semester here at Drag U, Ru-capping with you. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Hopefully they’ll be more Ru-capping in my future! Until then make sure you check out PandoraBoxx.com for all your Pandora needs. While you’re at it pick up a Team Pandora T-Shirt and my latest single on iTunes, I Wanna Have Some Fun!