‘RuPaul’s Drag U’: Pandora Boxx Ru-cap

Three men and a little lady.

Jujubee patting her weave can only mean one thing, that class is in session at RuPaul’s Drag U.  This week’s ladies are baking up a storm in the kitchen but their own lady oven pilot lights have gone out.  Chef Lovely, Marilyn and Sarah have come to Drag U to learn how to serve up some piping hot cooter (“Cooter“, now available on iTunes. Seriously). 

This week’s professors are Latrice “Where’s My Cupcake” Royale, Mariah and new professor Alexis Mateo.  In their quick professor Q & A’s we find out Chef Lovely is a on the verge of being a smoldering temptress, Sarah is just plain adorable and Marilyn cried this morning.  Poor Marilyn.  She needs some Drag U lessons to feel like a woman again.

Quick drag time!  Once all dolled up the song that keeps going through my head is, “We’re NOT your Dreamgirls, no, no, no.”  I wouldn’t say it was hot buttered mess maybe just lukewarm mess.   Thank Buddha for the Dragulator.  I pray to the Dragulator that she will help them!  Or maybe we can get Jalisa to do something.

The supreme Dragulator pops out these gams of wisdom:

Chef Lovely – Sugar Sensation!  Sassy, sexy and scrumptious.  She’s got this one!

Marilyn – Bitsy Sprinkles!  Best name!  I think she’s got some Bitsy in her, if she can just shake those sprinkles out.

Sarah – Candy Glaze!  You go Candy Glaze!  Fierce!

I’d wear each of these outfits and hope no one noticed I took them home.  Kidding.  I was lucky just to get out with the Tic Tacs I mopped from the set.  A girl has to eat!

Lady Lesson!  The ever subtle Lady Bunny dishes out this week’s Lady Lesson with another stud popping out.  Of a book, you sluts!  Stop thinking dirty thoughts.  Oh wait, no, sorry, we encourage that behavior at Drag U.   Lady Bunny’s bed-head looks like she spent a night at that motel we shot the Zombie Rupocalypse for season four.  What a dump. 

Jessie Jordan.  Hellur!  He’s fixing do’s or something involving weaves.  I didn’t pay attention to what he was saying because I kept looking at his arms, dreaming he’d put me in a light chokehold.  Hair pieces, weaves and wigs, oh my!  You better be-weave it!

Bunny says her wig is fried.  So is your act.  Kidding.  Make sure you check out Bunny’s weekly show in NYC at XL Nightclub appropriately titled: Hot Mess.  Check her out since we clearly aren’t going to get enough Bunny on Drag U this season. 

Sidenote: Shelarious is something us gays funny and I think it’s also a new STD that closely resembles the symptoms of scurvy.

Something about the every day look happens but I’m bored because I’m a gay man.  The biological women will love this section of the show and so do the women on the show because they get free shit.

Now it’s time for dance class with the ever-gorgeous Candis Cayne while our professors continue to be glorified props.  Love Candis!  She really wants these ladies to let go and feel fabulous all set to the song Milkshake by Kelis of course, also available on iTunes

“I’m so intimidate because the last time I went dancing was… never,” says Sarah.  Gah!  I love her! She’s adorable.

Poor Marilyn.  I know honey, sometimes us white ladies can only drop it like it’s tepid.  You just have to let go girl!

Splotches!  Willam’s tip was my favorite so far.  She nailed it; great delivery and completely hysterical. 

Hold the phone.  Were there just rainbow colored dolphins coming out of a fountain or am I on residual LSD?  Only at Drag U.

So now it’s time for the one on ones with Ru.  If Chef Lovely can put the same chutzpah into her love life as she does her cooking, she’s got it made.   All work and no play makes Lovely a bitter cupcake.  Meanwhile, Alexis is making Sarah crawl on the floor acting like a pussy…cat.  Marilyn is next up and she’s scared of change but Ru doesn’t want her cupcakes to be dried out yet.  Oh the pun of it all.  Ru is the pun master!  Sarah needs to take her Candy Glaze back home into the boudoir to really spice it up.  RuPrah has once again shown these ladies the way and now it’s up to them to turn it out.

Jalisa says it’s time to Draguate, bitches!

Sugar Sensation is owning it and loving it.  Bitsy Sprinkles is completely adorable and feeling her sexy sugar walls.  Candy Glaze is eating up the runway!  Love it!  Let’s give a little shout out to Marilyn breaking out of her shell and shaking those ta-tas! 

And now the group number.  Oy. Ok, so it was kind of all over the place but I am living for these ladies just loving it up there and working it.  They really all do get an “A” for effort.  Brava ladies, brava.  Candy Glaze ends up draguating with top honors because I think her transformation was more dramatic than Sugar’s.  But Sugar gets the line of the episode when she uttered, “I wanted to take that bitch and throw her off the runway!”

Class is dismissed children.  You’re homework is to go to my Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.  Oh and go buy some Pandora merchandise at: www.pandoraboxx.com/boxxshop.  As Dolly Parton says, “It costs a lot to look this cheap.”