In honor of Jason Collins, let’s pick the hottest sport ever. You’re welcome, Jason!
Congrats to Jason Collins for coming out! That’s a big step for the entire NBA, and one that I’m glad Collins chose to take himself. Except he’s got me thinking: What is the hottest sport? Is it basketball? Or is it some other game where people earn millions for lighting up scoreboards and crying at referees?
What better way to investigate this query than with a list? Here are my picks for the 10 hottest sports. The #1 is deadly.
Football: A tough sport full of hot people, but rarely a sexy spectacle while the game is going on. First of all, I can’t see anyone’s face (which is important in choosing a sporty soulmate), and two, the distortion of body shape thanks to padding, helmets, and garish colors turns the field of buff dudes into a phalanx of Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots. Still: Man-on-man carnage is a universal gay treat. You just barely made it
I love angry people, and the tennis court is a perfect place for egotistical firestarters to get together, pound projectiles at each other, and howl like 300 extras. Each hard-fought volley provokes a guttural groan, and as Hitchcock’s Strangers on a Train taught us, the hypnotic back-and-forth of the tennis ball is a rhythmic, sinister dance, one as alluring as the sassy bounce of Andre Agassi’s mullet.
8. Figure Skating
Don’t even begin to formulate an argument against the hotness of figure skaters. I will evade it with a delicate twirl like Tai Babilonia. The combination of choreography, poise, muscularity, and (in some cases) cheekiness makes figure skating more than an exhibition of raw, ice-crisscrossing talent. It’s a devious personal showcase with enough tight clothing to render the corny musical stylings subversive in their own way. Look at Spanish skater Javier Fernandez. Prim, powerful, and absolutely hot. I’m doing perfect backflips like Scott Hamilton thinking of him.
The elegance of pinstripe pants. The astounding sexiness of Bull Durham. The rareness of a team sport where individual player sexiness still stands out. The fact that Joe DiMaggio has the most amazing nose of all time. Fine, baseball is hot. But it could still stand to be 20x more watchable.
I’ll be honest: I’m extra-sympathetic to basketball right now because Jason Collins is single-handedly making the entire NBA look good, but there’s a fun history to hotness in the league. Michael Jordan’s artful weaving, dodging, and tongue-flashing was a kickass display of skill and cockiness, and those are the two my favorite sexy nouns.
Gymnastics is about rigidity and contortions. Just like, you know, sex. Cocky Yang Wei won my heart in ’08 when he swept up gold medals at the Beijing Games, and he forced me to realize what’s so charismatic about this sport: the insistence on technical perfection. There’s nothing hotter than a guy in lycra who’s here to prove he’s in total control.
Swimmers’ bodies = the ultimate bodies. Even Michael Phelps, who is essentially a California Condor with Great White Shark abilities, doesn’t resemble a roided-up cyborg in the water. His body lines (and Speedo lines) look primed, but human. Wish we saw more of the swimmers as they worked, but I suppose I’ll settle for the hazy blueness of the under-water cam.
If I were a wrestling coach, I’d encourage my squad by yelling, “Boys, go out there and understand each other’s bodies!” Seriously, if you’re a wrestler, bodily knowledge is your greatest asset and fiercest tool. You approach, you tackle, you wrangle. Wrestling: It’s boxing for groins!
This may seem like an obviously sexy portrait of out diver Matthew Mitcham, but guess what? Standing there on that platform, he is actively participating in the art of diving. Read: Part of diving is standing there and being hot before you dive. With arms outstretched and torsos sharpened like new Crayolas, divers are picture-perfect music box ornaments waiting to tumble like angelic circus performers. Greg Louganis is forever the hottest.
I wrote this article so I could voice a very real debate that’s been going on in my head for years: WHY is soccer so hot? Is it the spontaneous shirtlessness? The constant anger? The nervy footwork? On paper, soccer doesn’t seem like the obvious candidate for sexiest sport, as it’s a somewhat tedious, low-scoring game, but there’s a bad boy pulse and electric, arrogant version of teamwork in soccer that makes the whole sport hotter than any other. Plus: “Soccer ass” is a very specific, wonderful type of ass. Also: Cristiano Ronaldo. And then: Sigh.
What are your picks for the hottest sports? Do you prefer ice hockey, floor hockey, skeet shooting, pool (Jeanette Lee <3 ), or strip darts?