It is a sad fact of life that all insane messes must someday come to an end. After eleven weeks of casual bestiality, Japanese toilet goblins, lesbian-suffocation sleepovers, Antonin Scalia, I PAINT THEM ALL, garbage sexuality switcheroos, Jamie Lee Curtis’s transformation to immortal ice-boob deity, and also some weird stuff, it’s finally time to bid farewell to Chanel Oberlin and her loyal failures.
But first, let’s strap ourselves into this preposterous rock polisher a final time to discover once and for all which brave heroes have been murdering all these idiot hookers. Away we go!
Grace and Pete are still in Pete’s room having no sex, which gives Pete a chance to explain what he meant last week when he said that he’s a murderer. It turns out, he meant that he’s a murderer. We cracked the code! Detective work!
Through Pete’s 800-hour psychotic voiceover detailing his evildoing (kind of a theme this week), we learn that many, many people are the Red Devil so that the show can avoid any “Dan is Gossip Girl”-style continuity errors that would arise from revealing a single killer. Pete was part of a team.
But how did this happen? I’m glad you asked. One night, Pete was lurking innocently behind a tree doing journalism when he saw Nick Jonas running around being a murderer, so he tracked him down and said, “Hey, you’re a murderer.” Just like the internet, Pete was immediately hypnotized by Nick Jonas and suddenly ready to use any means necessary to rid the world of the horrors of the Greek system, like hazing or tricking certain people into certain embarrassing sexual reenactments of Clan of the Cave Bear. Oh sororities.
With Pete’s crazy eyes growing crazier by the second, Grace casually tries to stab him with one of those letter openers that 18-year-olds own. You know, teen stuff, like letter openers. Sadly and obviously, Grace is horrible at it. Instead of getting stabbed by Grace, Pete goes, “Let me take a really long time to reveal to you that the identity of the female bathtub twin is none other than…oh, I’ve been stabbed.”
The remaining Red Devil got so bored of Pete’s endless discussion of stealing Chanel #3’s used floss (creepy) that it just had to stab him all over the neck and then knock Grace unconscious. Ugh. Shoddy work. What do we have to do to get Grace murdered around here?
For some reason, Chanel’s perfectly reasonable memorandum goes viral, a loving homage to that real-life email a sorority president sent a couple years ago about how her sorority was just HORRIBLE for LITERALLY being so mentally slow and WEIRD at sports, which remains the greatest thing to happen in my lifetime. I’m definitely weird at sports.
Now that something important is happening at Kappa, not like those boring-ass 18 murders, a legion of angry protestors and reporters descends to shame Chanel into submission. Only she’s not having it. Poet Laureate Chanel twirls around in the D+ elementary school art project she’s wearing (because of fashion) and delivers a contrite, well-sculpted press statement to all those weird websites that keep calling her a bad person simply because she’s a terrible person: “You can all suck it.”
Sadly, she’s also dead inside and hating life, so she decides to do one of those same-day venomous snake deliveries and kill herself with it. Apparently, you shouldn’t do that, so Zayday materializes from nowhere to be full of wisdom about treating people with kindness and hugging a rainbow every morning or something. Because this is an uplifting show with a positive social message. Now. For a second.
Thankfully, the Red Devil bursts in to stop this awfulness. Only it doesn’t go great. This is just the bottom-of-the-barrel Red Devil, a pizza delivery guy who showed up at Kappa and suddenly found himself wrapped in dynamite and coerced into killing everyone. Yada, yada, yada, the pizza delivery guy explodes all over the foyer.
She might be full of Red Devilish vengeance now, so the Chanels promptly travel to the 1830s to visit Melanie No Skin at her obviously haunted Frankenstein castle to kill her for realsies. Even though Typical Vampire Butler tries to tell them that Melanie is now far too ugly to receive guests, the Chanels push their way inside and march right to Melanie’s rococo hunting lodge of a waiting room.
At this moment, everyone simultaneously realizes that Neck Brace is mysteriously missing for mysterious reasons. Chanel #5 thinks mysteriously missing sounds like a great plan, so she leaves abruptly and says, “Wait, can I grab this doorknob for a second and look like I’m up to something for red herring reasons?” They all think that’s a great idea.
Dean Jamie Lee returns home from a hard day of being supreme commander of everything to find her house littered with 185,000 candles. Obviously, she’s about to be murdered. There’s no other explanation for that many candles.
Moving at near-geological speed, she shuffles warily toward her bedroom, only to find something more alarming than she could have possibly imagined. It’s, well, this.
It’s not a great plan. By that, I mean it’s an awesome plan. Dean Jamie Lee has been waiting for months to scale Mount Wes and claim it in the name of justice, so she doesn’t even care that this is obviously a feeble ruse to allow Grace and Zayday to sneak onto her computer.
It takes one nanosecond of looking for Grace and Zayday to solve the whole murder spree once they figure out that Neck Brace’s entire identity is fake and that she’s clearly the killer because she took an anatomy class. Otherwise how would she know where the head is?
TA DA! The murderer is none other than Neck Brace, a.k.a. Hester, a.k.a. Lea Michele, a.k.a. we all knew Rachel Berry was a murderer the first time she put that gold star next to her own name. Vindication.
We finally have our culprit. And not a moment too soon. Chanel is just about to stab Melanie No Skin through the not-skin when Grace and Zayday burst in to stop her. They announce that Neck Brace is the real killer and that they won the murder. Also, Grace has a spatula so everyone is safe.
And that’s how Neck Brace got away with murder. The end. Oh no, wait. We apparently still need another hour to explain how she framed the Chanels and ended up living happily ever after with Grace, Zayday, and a bejeweled diva eye patch.
Finally getting her own psychotic voiceover, Neck Brace relates her whole life story, how she and Boone were raised by Gigi in the insane asylum while learning all about hammers and knives and chainsaws. That all came to an end one day when she stole a girl’s neck brace and used it to get into college. Even though her transcript from Sweet Valley High was obviously a forgery, Dean Jamie Lee had no choice but to admit her in order to meet their school’s diversity quotas of special-needs students and obvious murderers.
Sadly, this means that Neck Brace’s neck brace was just a big old lie the whole time. I feel so cheated. Betrayed. Lost. Confused. I really thought we had something. That neck brace was my favorite character.
Once inside the school, Neck Brace was finally ready to complete her lifelong mission of murdering everyone in the everywhere. Except Grace and Zayday. Apparently, they were nice to her one time, which is why their lives were spared. I think that’s supposed to be a life lesson or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t listening.
After cunningly executing all the murders, Neck Brace is left with one more task: framing the Chanels. It’s a simple enough job, especially considering that Officer Niecy is now the chief of police and almost as worthless at murder-solving as Grace.
Mr. and Mrs. Chanel #5 stride into Kappa to declare once again that Chanel #5 is “not great,” which seals her fate. Officer Niecy proudly arrests her for the murders of, like, some people, probably.
Neck Brace isn’t finished just yet. She turns next to Chanel #3, using both the diarrhea-related disappearances and her Charles Manson lineage to incriminate her. But just in case “Charles Manson, diarrhea” doesn’t hold up in court for some reason, Neck Brace has also forged a fake psychiatrist letter detailing Chanel #3’s unknown alternate personality, Dirty Helen, who’s really good at murder. If there is a second season, the title better be Scream Queens: The Adventures of Dirty Helen.
Because of Dirty Helen, Chanel #3 becomes the second arrest of the evening, leaving only Original Recipe Chanel. Chanel doesn’t have exploitable diarrhea problems, so incriminating her is a much tougher task. Neck Brace had to go to a hardware store disguised as Chanel and buy all manner of axes, chainsaws, and crossbows (like you get at a hardware store), but it worked. There’s no defense against hardware store surveillance.
Realizing she’s out of options, Chanel tries to make a break for it but is foiled by a team of strippers. Again? Like any respectable perfect queen, Officer Niecy commissioned a pack of cop-themed strippers in short-shorts to be her police force. Because she gets the point of everything.
The Hot Cops successfully use their hotness to apprehend the escaping Chanels just as Officer Niecy announces that she still kind of thinks Zayday is the killer. Nailed it.
Flash forward to May 2016. The remaining Kappas—Grace, Zayday, and Murderous Neck Brace—are diligently cleaning the heartfelt memorial Chad commissioned as a tribute to how awesome it would have been to have sex with a deaf girl. And also maybe the victims. Once Grace goes, “COOKIES!” and runs off with Zayday, Neck Brace is left alone to be cornered by Dean Jamie Lee.
Their main discussion topic is Grace’s awfulness, but also on the agenda is how apparently the dean has known this whole time that Neck Brace was the killer and is just mentioning it now. Thank you. While no one was looking, the dean decided to grow a conscience and suddenly thinks she should turn Neck Brace in to the police.
That’s a terrible idea. As Neck Brace explains, “Hi, you murdered your husband.” Excellent point. So instead, the dean decides they should be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. YAY MURDER. And that’s how everything worked out fine.
But I know what you’re thinking: what happened to all my favorite characters? Let’s find out.
Chad and Officer Niecy finally broke up because Officer Niecy got called up to Quantico. (To save that show too?) Still full of grief, Chad dedicates his time to holding a press conference about how great he is and how he’s going to donate the proceeds from all future wet t-shirt contests to charity. Which charity? Just charity. All of it. All the charity. Shut up.
Dean Jamie Lee slapped her name on a book about feminism and never bothered to explain how she was immortal in last week’s episode. She was just immortal. Deal with it.
Wes survived. Yeah, me neither.
Grace turned Chanel’s closet into the headquarters of a hotline for girls who think they might be about to have twins in the bathtub at a sorority party before bleeding to death. It’s worthless.
As for the Chanels, it’s finally their turn to appear in court to perform a dramatic speech about how the jury is made of ugly hippos. They’re instantly found guilty of being the worst people in the world. After taking one last opportunity to try to scream Mount Everest to the ground, they’re sent to an insane asylum because that seems like a good setting for season two.
Fortunately, the Chanels soon learn that insane asylums are awesome. Chanel #3 is able to continue her sexuality safari with the lesbian nurses, Chanel #5 gets pumped full of personality meds to turn her vaguely acceptable, and there’s real food there. It’s heaven.
Pssh. Too easy. As Chanel serenely crawls into her special Chanel bed overlooking all the other beds without a care in the world, a knife appears behind her, followed by a very familiar devil costume being worn by a cliffhanger. IT NEVER ENDS.
Welp, that was a television show alright. It’s had its moments: infinitely quotable lines, Chanel-o-ween, that time Ariana Grande live-tweeted her own murder, but it was also complete nonsense at every turn that seemed like it had been faithfully adapted from a listicle of YAS QUEEN SLAY gifs.
What did you think? Satisfied with the killer? Uncertain about how you’re going to fill your preposterous shrieking quota now?
Quote of the week:
“Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you’ve overcome the limits of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email.” – Chanel, national hero