“Scream Queens” Recap: Did You Forget You’re Super Gay?

Nick Jonas has a secret. A dumb one.

Uh oh. There’s trouble a-brewin’ on Team Red Devil. Last week, Gigi’s intense terribleness finally saw her convicted of three counts of elastic-waistband khakis in the first degree with an intent to Antonin Scalia cosplay, forcing Nick Jonas to surface from being fake-dead just to deal with her bizarre mess of a life.

Ever the cunning superspy, International Jonas of Mystery is still completely undetectable as his alter-ego, wild swamp wolf “Wakeen Feenix,” as he wanders around campus going, “La la la, my disguise! Gladiator things!” Wow, it’s like Joaquin Phoenix is right here in the room!

Scream Queens Nick Jonas
It would have been the perfect plan too, if he hadn’t spilled Orange Drink-brand orange soda (my favorite!) all over his fake beard right in front of Chanel #3. We’ve all been there. #evilvendettaproblems.

Having now seen Nick Jonas moving around and looking barely even a little bit dead, Chanel #3 immediately jumps to the logical conclusion: he’s a gh-gh-gh-GHOOOOST! Nick Jonas goes, “Yes. A ghost. Boo. And such.”

Chanel #3 desperately tries to escape her impending gay-ghost-revenge murder (oh those) by declaring that she was almost sort of a lesbian in that one episode. Convincing argument!

Scream Queens Chanel #3
Swayed, and without his trusty mask and shiny red ab-plate anyway, Nick Jonas doesn’t murder her and instead spends the next 15 centuries smirking diabolically at us. A ghost, huh? Now there’s an idea.

He decides to ditch that hideous rat beard forever, presumably because it needs to be quarantined by the CDC, and heads off to check in with BFF Chad. Chad goes, “Oh look. It’s my dead best friend’s ghost. Normal.” But then Nick Jonas does something not normal. Not normal at all. He declares that he wants to have sex with Zayday.

Um, excuse me? Slow the Straight Train down a little because I have a question. And so does Chad: “Did you forget you’re super gay?” Apparently, no. He didn’t. As he later explains, he was just faking being gay that whole time.

Oh. Oh, I see. What a fun treat for everyone. That makes no sense. What is the deal now with characters pretending to be gay for exactly no reason that is ever explained or even remotely necessary? Why is this a thing? And how do we make it not? The only purpose for his sudden straight reveal is “FOOLED YOU! LOL!” Yes. Ha ha. What hilarity. You got us. Excuse me while I roll my eyes into the next galaxy.

Anyway, Chad is perfectly willing to buy Ghost Nick Jonas’s explanation that he needs to have sex with Zayday in order to come back to life because once you go black, you never go back. That’s because Chad is a lovable ball of stupid cream cheese who vacuum-seals his own neon pants, is minoring in luggage sciences, and should be the whole show.

Meanwhile, at Hotel Stabsworth, Chanel has gathered all her loyal hog-faced sluts to inform them that her knowledge of Native Americans is 99% Pocahontas and 1% “Lewis and Clark’s gay camping extravaganza.” Nailed it.

Scream Queens Chanel
Unfortunately, all this higher learning won’t help her impress the Radwells during Chad’s totally normal family Thanksgiving, where Mountain Dew turns to blood and sometimes girls hang themselves in the orchard. Just like the Pilgrims.

But don’t worry because Chanel’s totally going to survive and get herself a ring and a rich-ass husband. HOORAY! CHANEL WON SORORITY!

Elsewhere, in the not-cool, not-rich part of the house, Grace’s entire existence continues to be a covered wagon that has fallen into a gully. She mopes around going, “I guess while everyone else evacuates the school, I’ll just sit here in the dark and wait to be murdered.” OK.

Downstairs, the Chanels are packing up all their matching fur uniforms like they just got rejected from The Sister-Wives of Beverly Hills. That’s when Chanel #3 remembers that she saw Nick Jonas’s ghost and it was weird.

Scream Queens Chanel #3
Everyone is instantly terrified of ghost murderers, so as the new Kappa governess, Fraulein Niecy gathers the ladies to make them feel better by singing “My Favorite Things.” Except no, this is Scream Queens, so instead, she tells them a series of horrific ghost stories. TERROR SOLVED.

Fraulein Niecy settles by the fire to relate a lifetime supply of creepy Japanese toilet legends about demons who make people do a colorful-toilet-paper Sophie’s choice and hideous troll monsters who haunt the pipes waiting to snatch Japanese girls by the vagina. You know, bedtime stories. Everyone feels so much better. Chanel runs away to pee in a salad bowl. Correct.

Immediately getting her comeuppance for mentioning toilet monsters, Fraulein Niecy goes to pee and discovers COLORFUL TOILET PAPER OF DOOM staring right at her. Justice! The Red Devil then hops into the bathroom stall (like you have in mansions) and tries to drown her in the toilet.

Scream Queens Red Devil
Pssh. Like that’s going to work. Fraulein Niecy isn’t some pushover candle weirdo. You can’t just kill her. Thinking quickly, she pulls the old “I’m not drowning in a toilet, YOU’RE drowning in a toilet” routine and escapes to find the rest of the Chanels. The only thing that can stop that murderer now is if Neck Brace tells a ghost story! It’s called science, people.

Unfortunately, Neck Brace is kind of terrible. Her ghost story is mostly just a lot of 1950s atmosphere about sock hops and poodle skirts and killers lurking in the backseat of a car. Ah, the good old days.

Because this house currently has a murderer in it, Zayday and That English One are just lounging around without a care in the world. They had coffee together about a month ago and haven’t looked at each other since, which means they’re the hottest couple in school. English One goes, “I care about you so much that I’m not even going to talk about what’s on your head right now and how it looks like you’re about to go play golf with the Lorax.”

Scream Queens Zayday Earl
Just as they’re starting to get down to business, English One decides that he has to run away and get 100,000 crates of supplies, including champagne, strawberries, and a big bag of getting murdered.

Once English One leaves, Straight Nick Jonas hops in the window to go, “I’m a straight person!” Zayday and Grace are not impressed by his newfound sexuality, so they push him out the window. They soon regret it, though, because he manages to survive the million-story drop (obvious witch), pour himself into the Red Devil costume at light speed, and stab English One for moving in on Zayday. Bye, English One. We hardly knew you. Because you got about one line per lifetime.

Weirdly, Chanel #5 is not sold on the idea that ghost stories make the murder not happen, probably because the murder keeps happening. Instead, she has packed up the entire lost city of Atlantis and spilled downstairs to have a nervous breakdown all over the foyer. Well, it is Tuesday.

Scream Queens Chanel #5
Chanel #5 is leaving Kappa. The people who miss her are nobody. But, as she’s driving away like Cruella De Vil, she hears a radio bulletin announcing that Nick Jonas is straight now for some reason and also a murder who’s on the loose. It soon becomes clear that she’s stuck in Neck Brace’s 1950s ghost story, with the Red Devil hiding in the backseat, waiting to kill her.

But, in a lucky twist of fate, it’s not Chanel #5 who dies. It’s the beardy truck driver who tried to warn her. Phew. It was almost someone rich. Close one.

Sadly, Dean Jamie Lee doesn’t have much to do this week except listen to Zayday go, “murder is bad” and “my boyfriend got stabbed” and “blah blah blah.” The dean also takes an important moment to review the PRECIOUS BATHTUB FACTS we already learned last week, that the bathtub baby was really a set of male and female twins. For some reason, Grace is still extremely surprised.

Scream Queens Jamie Lee Curtis
Also, the second baby was apparently expelled from the girl’s dead womb during a post-mortem shriek. Yep.

In other news, Neck Brace has a hurricane of crazy to unleash on everyone. Her hurricane is so Category 5 that she even has to get her old neck brace of storage because her spine is collapsing. WAIT. You mean changing your hair doesn’t actually cure scoliosis?!? SCREAM QUEENS LIED TO US. With her neck brace now firmly back in place, she visits Chad to go, “AAHHHHHH THANKSGIVING!!!!”

Yikes. Chad explains that he can’t invite her to Thanksgiving because of important reasons like sex farts and being poor, so Neck Brace hatches a dastardly plan. It’s called a fake pregnancy, and all I can say is, it’s about damn time. You call yourself a sorority, and yet no one has even faked one measly little pregnancy all year? So disrespectful.

Neck Brace runs to Kappa to announce her big Chad-pregnancy, which is a believable story since I’m pretty sure he has already impregnated several goats, every tombstone, and the earth’s whole sky.

Scream Queens Lea Michele
Chanel listens very patiently, goes, “oh, what interesting news,” then casually throws the planet into a black hole. I think she’s taking it well.

Chanel summons her army of skeleton warriors and floats across the river Styx to inform Chad that his face would look better with 100 stab wounds. She may tolerate a lot of things, but she will not tolerate the impregnation of a scoliosis-riddled frump monster. Deal-breaker. Hope someone gets murdered over this!

Back at Kappa, Chanel convenes a meeting of her loyal sisters to plan the immediate murder of dear sister Neck Brace. Because what’s a little “heart emoji, knife emoji” among friends?

Stage one of the plan involves luring Neck Brace into Chanel’s egg sack, then tricking her into consuming sushi and tobacco-champagne, just like pregnant women don’t. OH NO. A TRAP. YOU AND YOUR GOTCHA SUSHI.

Under threat of a thousand pregnancy tests, Neck Brace confesses that it was all a lie. But when she proclaims that she’s still going to trick Chad into marrying her, Chanel moves on to stage two: the ingenious, elaborate maneuver of just pushing her stupid face down the stupid stairs. CRACKING SOUND EFFECT. Like idiot hookers, the Chanels declare that Neck Brace is dead without even checking her pulse or seeing any internal organs spill out. Amateurs. That does not count as a death.

And now it’s time for Nick Jonas’s big moment. Over at We’re In A Hotel For Some Reason Now, he’s hanging out with Unknown-Identity Red Devil to explain that they’re the two bathtub twins (we know). He’s also waiting for Gigi to show up so he can go, “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM” and then stab her because she’s a weird loser and can’t sit with them anymore.

Scream Queens Nick Jonas
Only, the plan backfires. While he’s busy announcing that he pretended to be gay for still-unexplained reasons that don’t exist, Unknown Red Devil slithers up from behind, seemingly to stab Gigi, but instead stabs Nick Jonas right in the chest. Fratricide! Oops. Oh dear. What a crying shame.

See? When you play the game of fake-gay psychotic stabbing vendettas, you win or you die. At least now we’re not that cranky about his character getting killed off. Maybe that was the whole idea.

Quote of the week:
“Them Japanese got all manner of weird-ass ghost stories” – Niecy Nash, cultural ambassador.

Committed TV addict, indoor enthusiast, and side-eye aficionado who loves long-lost evil twins and spies who are terrible at spying.