We left off last week on a totally massive cliffhanger (who will win the Kappa presidency, you guys?!?) as Chanel’s historically accurate strategy of trying to steal an election by keeping black people from voting backfired miserably. Zayday escaped her hostage-pit love story right on schedule, bursting into the Kappa National Convention to model-walk all over Chanel’s face. That means it’s time to vote.

Bring out the official chest of election marbles! Inconveniently, Farty McCandlewax chooses this moment to reveal that she’s terrible and can’t even muster the common decency to have math autism. Instead, she has quirky Zooey Deschanel autism, which is no help and makes counting to eight impossible. Election canceled.

But wait! Through some sort of witchcraft, the Kappas eventually determine that four is the same number as four. It’s a tie! Chanel and Zayday will rule the kingdom together as co-monarchs! Chanel immediately submits her nominee reel for Best Lead Actress in a Psychotic Episode about it, featuring wailing about Zayday’s horrible lack of being decapitated, as well as her moving performance in The Girl with Apparently Granite Feet Who Stomped up the Stairs. She’s the new Streep.

HA HA! Fooled you! It was just a joke tantrum! Chanel totally wanted Zayday to become president so she would get murdered slightly earlier than everyone else, as is a president’s lot. The next phase of Chanel’s elaborate plan to prolong her life by seconds entails lulling Zayday into a false sense of trust by giving her the key to the secret tampon room. Wow. Big move. Zayday goes, “I have no reason not to trust you. Thank you.”

You guys, Grace has something really important to tell us. There’s a murderer on the loose. WAIT WHAT?!?!?

To which Zayday responds, “A slumber party?! That’s a great idea!” Clearly, Zayday listens to Grace exactly as much as the rest of us do. Ignoring the fact that they all already live there, so a slumber party is nothing, Zayday has concocted her own secret plan to lock all the doors and see who’s a lesbian. Um…heroism?

The Kappas promptly change into their pajama costumes, which are nicer than anything you’ve ever touched. Chanel’s is just an Oscar dress with a cape on it. You know, your sleeping cape.

Because Chanel #3 is going to cut all of humanity in the neck if she doesn’t get to kiss Lesbian Pledge soon, the slumber party begins with Spin the Bottle.

As with all games, the sourest, most impatient person goes first. Chanel’s opening spin lands on Farty McCandlewax, so she astutely declares that any sleepover without at least four hot guys is no sleepover at all. (I’m getting that embroidered on a pillow.) Chanel plays the rest of the game under protest until her order of beefcake arrives.

Meanwhile, the gravitational pull of lady charms is affecting Chanel #3 too sharply, and she must go on sexuality safari with Lesbian Pledge immediately. Sadly, her first spin lands on Gross. I mean Grace. BARF. THE DUD. Automatic do-over. On her second spin, however, Chanel #3’s prayers are granted by the Goddess of Lesbians. (Meredith Baxter, is that you?) The bottle lands on Lesbian Pledge, allowing Chanel #3 to start exploring her sexuality. All over the place.

Chanel #3 and Lesbian Pledge immediately discover that they’re soul mates because neither cares about people, or places, or things. It’s destiny. You found each other. Yet, before they go any further, Chanel #3 must admit a shocking truth. Her vagina is an evil sorceress. More specifically, it makes her lovers attempt to cut her ears off. In fact, she still wears earmuffs to this day because she’s Billie Lourd and her mom is Carrie Fisher and that’s all the explanation we’ve ever needed. This whole retrospective “my evil vagina made my boyfriend try to cut my ears off” is just bonus.

Is this too much lady-times for you? In case it is, let’s head to the frat mansion so that Chad can yell, “Suck it, bro! Suck it so hard! Suck it! Suck it!” OK, I’m awake now. I’m awake.

Disappointingly, they’re just doing one of those inspiring human-interest stories about how people with disabilities can still eat pasta. Dickie No-Arms breaks the canned-pasta slurping record, only to have his moment of glory doused by Earl Grey, Lord of Downers, going, “Waa. Chad shouldn’t have sex with Jamie Lee Curtis or Niecy Nash. Waa.” As Chad dutifully explains, “Shut up. My sluttiness is carrying the show at this point.”

Back at Kappa, the women are busy making their famous chocolate-covered packing peanuts recipe. The secret ingredient is eating disorders. Also, all the windows and doors are locked and impenetrable, and the lights just went out. It’s what serial killers call “setting the mood.” Oooh, someone’s feeling bloodthirsty tonight.

Because this show is totally about confident, independent women, the moment the power goes out, Chanel weepily calls Chad to tell him that he can have sex with whatever middle-aged women/tombstones he wants as long as he fixes the scary and says he loves her. Well, Chad? “I love you too, sort of.” Another good pillow idea!

After conjuring a ladder from nowhere, Chad turns into a knight from a fairy tale and climbs up to Chanel’s window, heroically ignoring her pleas of, “Blah blah blah monogamy,” to save her anyway. Wow. New Disney prince.

Unfortunately, the thing about ladders is that they’re kind of hard to climb when you don’t have arms. Though Dickie No-Arms tries to hop his way up, the Red Devil spots a golden opportunity to right a wrong and finally finish the job of killing him. Axe to the stomach. Axe to the stomach. Axe to the neck. Bye.

Having just witnessed a brutal murder, everyone decides to forget about that and play Truth or Dare. They’ve barely even had a chance to sit down when Grace shouts, “This is our secret plan to get the murderer to confess!” Good subtlety. It’ll still work, though. As Chad explains via freak out, you can’t lie in Truth or Dare because that’s not one of the words in the title. DUH.

After the essential questions are out of the way and everyone concludes that Chanel #5 is lying about having her vagina teeth removed, the conversation turns to murder. Grace begins by asking Lesbian Pledge if she’d like to walk straight into the Red Devil’s clutches tonight. She would!

Lesbian Pledge instantly divulges that Chanel #3’s father is Charles Manson, and as punishment for betraying their solemn confidence, Chanel #3 orders her to go to the murder basement, sit in the death bathtub, and get killed. Lesbian Pledge goes, “OKAY.”

Wandering into the basement alone, she mutters, “Please don’t jump out at me.” Oh, well, in that case, murder spree canceled! No wait, not that. You get suffocated now.

Back in the kitchen, in even more dangerous terrain, Neck Brace teleports right to Chad’s side to go, “CRAZY SEX EYES.” Yikes. When your crazy sex eyes are so crazy that even Chad is scared of you, that’s an accomplishment. It still doesn’t stop him from getting Corpse Boner #2, though. He needs 50ccs of Crisco, stat!

THERE’S NO TIME. Chanel has called him to an urgent, emergency game of Seven Minutes in Heaven so that she can say the words, “Dial O on my pink telephone,” which we can never un-hear. Hard as we’ll try. Of course, that’s not the only reason for this game. Chanel commands Chad to make a pinkie monogamy pledge with her, and since Chanel is gullible and rich (and because Chad realizes that decisions on this show have no continuity from week to week), Chad agrees. The love story of our time.

Sadly, with great love comes great tragedy. Neck Brace discovers Lesbian Pledge’s lifeless body, and even though everyone signs up for a lifetime supply of therapy about it, on the scale of Red Devil murders this is like a child’s small.

A much stronger showing is the murder of That Other Twin. He and Chanel #5 have sequestered themselves in the closet, which is a wonderful opportunity for the Red Devil to loom up from the back, pull out a matching red nail gun (murderers must accessorize properly), and procure the second twin for the collection. Got to have the whole set.

The two and a half surviving members of the gang all gather around the twin's corpse to argue over who is the least likable psychopath (you’re all winners here), at which point Chad goes, “I was pawing around the corner of this closet looking for a trap door, and I found a trap door!”

Didn’t you know? Kappa has an extensive secret tunnel system. Zayday and Chanel promptly go, “Let’s wander into this shadowy labyrinth. We’ll be safe as long as we have one candle.” Yep. If there’s one thing I know about fugitive criminals, it’s that they hate hidden labyrinths.

As they creep into the tunnel system, Chanel reveals that like all respectable sorority houses, Kappa is equipped with its own abandoned 1920s subway station full of portraits of ghost women.

She takes Zayday on a tour of Kappa’s Walk of Fame, honoring all of the most bloodthirsty presidents (minimum five murders) for their fantastic Republican and cocaine accomplishments.

This history lesson is the Red Devil’s cue to pop up once again and go, “I have two axes, and you’re the worst.”

Despite the Red Devil’s love for Zayday last week, this week is all about cutting her face off. That’s the thing about serial killers. They don’t take breakups super well. They tend to get a little “two axes” about it. The only thing that saves Zayday is Chanel’s timely appearance and extensive experience knocking people unconscious. See? Perfectly safe down here. Clearly, Operation Slumber Party was a rousing success.

The next morning, the dean arrives at Kappa and is positively inconsolable about the three deaths last night.

With confirmation (ish) that the Red Devil is targeting only Kappas and Dickies, she can reopen the school and invite all the non-sucky people back to campus. Hooray!

Just then, Wes bursts in to go, “My name is Wes” and then transform into a sack of rice cakes. He wants to save Grace from being murdered, but there’s no need because Grace reached into her unlimited newsboy cap collection and pulled out the Nancy Drew-iest one of all. Because she’s going to get to the bottom of this, even if it kills her. Wes goes, “That’s fine bye.”

While Chanels #3 and #5 bond about how everyone they’ve ever cared about is dead and make a solemn blood oath to murder Chanel, Chanel herself is busy planning a very special gift announcement.

There’s nothing more important to Chanel than skinning her enemies alive. I mean sisterhood. And even though as recently as six minutes ago she tried to get Chanel #5 killed in a maze, that’s all in the past. This is TEAM FRIENDSHIP now.

To show her commitment to not wishing all the Kappas dead anymore, Chanel even got pink apology nunchucks for them. It is traditional. Flowers say, “I’m sorry,” chocolates say, “I love you,” and pink nunchucks say, “I didn’t know the maid’s face would be so flammable.”

And now that everything that has ever happened is forgotten and they’re all the closest group of sisters, there’s only one thing left to do: dance party.

As Chanel #3 rightly says, “What a great way to pretend all these people we know aren’t brutally murdered.” And also, “I confess to the murder of Big Bird.” But that’s a problem for another day. Today’s problem is teaching Grace how to dance.

Nope. Wrong. The Arthritic Penguin is not a dance. We still have a long way to go.

Quote of the week:

“Our vaginas may never touch. It’s too dangerous.” – Chanel #3, pitching a really good idea for a lesbian sci-fi series.