“Scream Queens” Recap: You Do Not Bequeath A Shoebox Full Of Lube To An Acquaintance

This week, we learn that Jamie Lee Curtis is an immortal sorceress. Obviously.

In last week’s completely unacceptable twist, the Chanels survived Thanksgiving without getting stabbed in the esophagus even once. Catastrophe. Sure, they had to eat Gigi’s decapitated head for dinner (the stuffing is jean skirt) and get called gold-digging hoochies by a TV star of the 1980s, but who didn’t? It’s Thanksgiving.

At least we still have Black Friday, the day all true Americans celebrate by shoving some common lunatics into a clearance bin to see if they stab each other. Now that’s a Scream Queens holiday.

Normally, Chanel would never. Black Friday is for disgusting grubby-handed peasants who don’t even have the decency to be made entirely of gold. Yet even Chanel is willing to brave the extended montage of obese torsos in XXXL tank tops (to indicate Black Friday) if it means an opportunity to let her dearest friends know that they’re abysmal. The holidays.

Scream Queens Chanel
Nothing says, “You’re worth zero to me, Chanel #5” like a roll of on-sale black toilet paper purchased from a common mall like a common hippo. Merry Christmas, hog-faced sluts everywhere.

At Kappa, Zayday has suddenly decided that she cared about Gigi and is sadder than she was for any of the other murders.

Scream Queens Jamie Lee Curtis Zayday
Dean Jamie Lee doesn’t have time to deal with how bizarre this reaction is because she notices the Chanels diva-strutting their way off to Black Friday. They’re celebrating Gigi’s death the proper way, by buying themselves lots of “congratulations on still being alive, me!” presents.

Dean Jamie Lee is furious because she apparently cares about people’s safety now, so she pulls Chanel aside to shout, “Listen to me, you little bitch!” (And we all go “EEEEEEEE!”) She tries to put Chanel in an adult timeout, which is weird because that’s not how you treat a perfect empress at all.

Oh, it’s on now! Chanel storms out in a blaze of magical fur capes, announcing that Dean Jamie Lee is a terrible failure who’s probably also the murderer. And what do we do with murderers? We murder them!

But first, Chanel must head to the mall to decide what kind of ear infection to get Chanel #5 this year. It’s so hard to choose! The stress of the holiday season! #5 then mumbles something unintelligible about generosity, so Chanel abruptly changes her entire personality for no reason and decides to buy everyone jeeps. Great.

In fact, she’s so busy having an unprovoked epiphany that she doesn’t even notice that multiple decades have passed and the mall has long since been abandoned.

Scream Queens Chanels
She goes, “Oh, don’t worry about suddenly being in this dank, ominously deserted building. That’s not where murderers are. We’ll just walk out the front door like we don’t know anything.” Weirdly, the Red Devil isn’t incompetent and has chained the doors shut while also taking time out to acquire a crossbow. Excellent call. This killing spree is OK, but it has really been missing that chic “medieval revolt” vibe that’s so hot right now.

In serious danger of being arrowed to death, the Chanels trudge through molasses toward the escalator and tiptoe downstairs at the rate of one mile per year. Their inability to move at the speed of human people gives the Red Devil time to materialize downstairs next to a merry-go-round for atmosphere reasons. Because it’s not just about murdering people: it’s about creating a memorable murder experience. Artistic impression is everything.

Just then, Chanel spots a malfunctioning gate and rolls the rest of the Chanels under it to safety before deciding to stay behind and confront the Red Devil out of bravery and plot reasons. The Red Devil is magically back upstairs again, and Chanel decides not to notice that’s physically impossible. Instead, she just sort of stands there while the Red Devil shoots her in the clavicle.

Scream Queens Red Devil
In a stroke of luck, Chanel’s fur cape is apparently made from the very rare steel-plated fox of northern WTFistan because that arrow does exactly no damage to her, allowing Officer Niecy the chance to run in and save the day. Because of sure, the entire police force has been fired and Officer Niecy has been appointed chief of police. While she stands around relating her nonsense career trajectory in extensive detail, the Red Devil shoots Unnamed Screaming Man #1 and escapes easily.

Safe at Kappa, Chanel calls a house meeting to show off her super brave crossbow injury and declare that the dean must be killed because murder is both fun and productive.

That talking pumpkin named Grace Something spots a golden opportunity to grow a personality, so she cuts short her weekly slam poetry about sisterhood and instead declares that she’s totally cool with murders now. She wants to help Chanel kill Dean Jamie Lee, so the two instantly begin bonding about poisons. Like how all great partnerships begin.

Over at the frat house, Chad has a case of the grumpy sads.

Scream Queens Chad
Not only has our dear genius apparently just realized that the number of dead golf bros is all of them, but he also has the unfortunate duty of reading Nick Jonas’s will. Pete is also here because Nick Jonas happened to bequeath all his possessions to Pete, including his shoebox full of lube and his butt plug with a beautiful blue jewel on the business end. (Remember that time his character was straight?)

This gives Chad a really good idea about how to make this show more interesting, so he posits that Nick Jonas and Pete might have been secret lovers. The argument: “You do not bequeath a shoebox full of lube to an acquaintance.” Wise point, Chad.

Sadly, this is false. As Pete explains, “Journalism things, like sources.” Pete could never join the Dickies himself since he doesn’t like John Mayer and his body isn’t a wonderland, so he needed Nick Jonas to be his informant on the inside. “He was my deep throat.” (BLAMO! JOKES!)

Obviously, all that’s left is for Chad to challenge Pete to a traditional duel to the death, potentially involving small pebbles. This duel is never mentioned again in spite of the fact that Chad and Pete fighting to the death should have been the whole episode.

Now it’s time for Chanel and Grace to initiate their plan to murder Dean Jamie Lee.

Scream Queens
The pair shows up at her house to go, “We’re feminists now. Would you like a mason jar of poison, please?” The dean goes, “Would I?!?!” In one nanosecond, she downs the whole jar of venom-laced apple cider, then proves she’s truly on our side because she too does involuntary jazz hands when things are delicious.

Scream Queens Jamie Lee Curtis
Unfortunately for Grace and Chanel, but fortunately for fans of insanity, Dean Jamie Lee has an impenetrable buzzard gullet that allows her to survive all poison, so she’s totally fine. Hooray!

Grace runs home to Pete to say, “Waaah, my murder didn’t work because of unexplained magic,” which Pete sees as a wonderful opportunity to do a lot of ominous whispering about what a fantastic hero the Red Devil is, before moving on to how sex is a really good idea. Oh yeah, this episode is also kind of about losing your virginity, mostly so that Wes can give Grace a sex talk featuring a tonally jarring moment of sweet parenting.

Boo! Back to murder, please! In this week’s fact we’re supposed to care about, Gigi’s sister is revealed to be the one who rescued the babies from the bathtub. She then committed suicide, leaving Crazy Gigi to raise the children by herself, hence all the murder.

At Kappa, Chanel is cursing Dean Jamie Lee’s ability to survive gallons of poison without the slightest ill effect. Oh well, you know what they say. If at first you don’t succeed, freeze a school administrator to death. The only one who doesn’t want to participate any longer is Grace because she’s suddenly anti-murder again now, like a stupid loser. Chanel decides that enough is enough and excommunicates Grace from Kappa. WAIT. That was an option this whole time?!?

As is only logical, the Chanels head to the spa, lock Dean Jamie Lee in a cryo chamber, turn down the temperature to negative one billion degrees, and wait for the magic to happen. What, that wasn’t your first instinct? If you didn’t see this whole thing ending with “Jamie Lee Curtis boob icicles,” you haven’t been paying attention.

Scream Queens Jamie Lee Curtis
Of course, being an indestructible legend, Dean Jamie Lee is able to survive all temperatures in addition to every poison. The Chanels have a lot of theories about how she could be so magical. Most importantly, Chanel #5 recalls a documentary she saw called Teen Wolf that explains everything. Oh, Chanel #5. You’re redeemed.

Chanel almost starts developing her own theory but abandons that project to do a Samsung commercial instead. Out of nowhere, she suddenly starts throwing phones at all the Kappas going, “These excellent new Samsung phones are perfect for all our sisterhood needs. Samsung!” Neck Brace adds, “I love Samsung and all these cool new features that appeal to young women! We’re doing a really good job integrating this into the plot. Synergy!”

Mostly, we learn that when your new Samsung phone rings, you won’t notice it because you’re too busy squeaking nonsense about lingerie sizes. None of the other Chanels hear the call to initiate the next phase of the dean’s murder, leaving Chanel alone to meet Dean Jamie Lee at the pool for another crazy-eyes faceoff.

Scream Queens Jamie Lee Curtis Chanel
The winner is Dean Jamie Lee by a score of Badass Haircut to 0. After using her laser eyes to stare several holes through Chanel’s face and that pathetic bondage-themed cover story, the dean saunters away to enter the Threatening Smirk Championships. Chanel is left with only one choice. She runs back to Kappa and composes a furious email about responsibility to the rest of the Chanels. THAT’LL TEACH ’EM!

Back to Pete and his mission to wink at us about how he’s totally the killer, he receives Important Mystery Call, then says a lot of implied murder things while staring thoughtfully at the Red Devil costume hanging in his closet. Whoa, Pete. Don’t oversell it. People might think you’re not really the murderer.

At this point, Grace shows up to relate some super weird sexual fantasy about eating slow-cooked short ribs in a forest, which gets glossed over way too quickly. She then announces, “I’m ready to sex you now like a skilled sex performer.” Pete is apprehensive, and Grace’s continued clamoring of “ME WANT SEX NOW” doesn’t change that.

Is it because she’s too boring? No. Is it because he’s actually Nick Jonas’s secret lover? No. (Sigh.) Pete finally confesses that he won’t have sex with Grace because…bum bum BUMMMM…he’s a murderer. I’m sure that’s the end of the story and there are no other details to be revealed next week. Case closed.

Quote of the week:
“He usually does his nightly nude yoga before he sets a perimeter of Lego characters to guard his bed while he sleeps, but this time he decided to do it after and accidentally sat on Lego Captain Jack Sparrow.” –Chanel #3, explaining why Chad is our finest hero. Also, why wasn’t this an actual scene/everything in life?

Committed TV addict, indoor enthusiast, and side-eye aficionado who loves long-lost evil twins and spies who are terrible at spying.