Frank plays Lost Weekend, Lip goes to Miami, and Fiona… gets married?
Okay… that happened.
Frank (William H. Macy) wakes up in the middle of a park with no memory of how he got there. (Checks calendar, realizes it’s a day ending in “y”.) Frank tells a supremely uninterested park guard that he partied hard last night because today he gets the insurance payout from that broken-leg scam he pulled with Carl last year.
Shirtless Gus (Steve Kazee)! OMG. I’m all over this. “The Ballad of Sweaty Balls” is almost enough to make me overlook the fact that he’s holding a guitar in bed, which should be reserved for telenovelas and movies about the Manson family. Fiona (Emmy Rossum) marvels that they’ve been dating nine whole days and they still like each other! Yes, Fiona, there is a Santa Claus.
Suddenly Showtime switches over to a Dexter rerun. Wait, no – it’s Lip (Jeremy Allen White), in Miami, visiting Amanda. (Though if Dex weren’t in Alaska chopping down trees, a crossover episode would be amaaaaazing…) Amanda gives him a welcome hug and signs for his airport limo. She welcomes him to her palatial house. He compliments her on it and she complains about her sisters and parents, who are driving her crazy. Lip wants to confirm that her dad won’t want back the $10 grand he paid Lip to stay away from Amanda and she tells him not to blame her for her dad being a “douchebag”.
Carl (Ethan Cutkosky) gets all thugged up, while downstairs Debs (Emma Kenney) tells Fiona that she wants to go on the pill because she’s sexually active now and condoms aren’t 100% effective. Fiona stammers that she’ll make an appointment at Planned Parenthood. Carl says he has to run to a job he got at the fruit stand, but Debs says he’s just making that up on the spot because Fiona just passed him a piece of fruit. GUS!!! Sorry – I just get excited whenever he’s on screen. Ahem. Gus comes down and Fiona introduces him. Carl instantly asks if they’re dating or “just fuck buddies”. Fiona hands Gus a cup of coffee: “Welcome to my family.”
Frank ambushes his attorney (the amazing Alex Borstein) at her house and asks if his insurance check is in. She says yes, $121,000. She notes that he’s covered in pigeon shit and points out that he came the day before to ask him the same question. He has no recollection and wonders if he was smoking crack yesterday. Stranger things have happened! She assures him that they opened a bank account together and the money was transferred into it via wire. Frank is stoked.
At Milkovich Manor, Mickey (Noel Fisher) signs for a piece of recovered lost luggage that clearly wasn’t his to begin with. Ian (Cameron Monaghan) almost blows his bluff. Mickey sends the delivery guy away without a tip and with an insult or two. Turns out the guy came to the wrong door and Mickey saw it as an opportunity. They go through the suitcase, which contains a hideous Hawaiian shirt and a bottle of pills, among other things. Rather than Google the drugs, they decide to just take them, with beer. I mean hey – what’s the worst thing that could happen when a person with untreated bipolar disorder takes mystery pharmaceuticals with alcohol? Partaaay!
Kev (Steve Howey) and V (Shanola Hampton) interview a potential babysitter, being very clear that the babies are separate individuals, not two of the same baby. V tells him to cool it but Kev wonders why Fiona or someone else can’t watch the girl – he’s not comfortable leaving the girls, but V needs a date night. He’s stubborn, so she sends the babysitter away and says she’s going on date night by herself.
Amanda wants to have sex on her parents’ bed, specifying, “vagina sex”. He wonders what changed, as that’s a big deal for her. She says that the romance has gone out of saving v-sex for marriage when she’s done… well, she lists a lot of things. She assures him that while she likes him, they aren’t getting married or anything, and this is good practice.
Carl meets a few black kids under an overpass, with whom he is supposed to work (“Work my johnson…”, quips one of the guys). Carl asks where “G-Dog” is at, telling him that G told him he could join his crew They wave over an SUV and G-Dog throws Carl khakis and docksiders, telling him to put them on, because they need someone to sell crack to white customers who are too scared to stop for the black dealers. This guy is a customer service genius. G-Dog adds that with his crutches, Carl will look “like a greeter at Wal-Mart.” Carl looks none too pleased with the clothes.
Fiona serves Gus at the diner and they flirt – he notes that it’s weird “sitting in a family diner with an erection.” Sean (Dermot Mulroney) isn’t happy that Gus is hanging out there, but Fiona says she’s happy and enjoying the sex. Sean excuses himself, unconvinced that this Gus thing will last. Later, Fiona cuddles up to Gus, who is composing music for a video game where you smash pigs with a giant purple hammer (I think it’s called Ham Smash). He mentions that he’s falling in love with her and she cools instantly. He tells her to go away now because it’s awkward – after more coffee, please. Fiona gets a call from V, who says they’re going dancing that night – no Gus. V needs to be objectified, not play third-wheel. She doesn’t even want to hear about Gus. Fiona tells her that Gus just told her that he’s falling in love with her and she’s freaking out – actually tingling. V throws the phone across the room. HA!
Frank visits the bank and while one lady tries to have security throw him out, another banker recognizes Frank immediately and hurries to offer him pastries and talk him into putting some of his money in the bank. Confused, Frank says that he thought his money was there and he wants to withdraw it – but it turns out that he withdrew all of it the night before. In cash. So, seriously – when does Zach Galafianakis show up with the monkey?
Debs gets accosted by Holly and the other girls, who say that they heard Debs’ party sucked and that she raped a guy. Debs laughs and then immediately punches her in the face. Okay, I hate violence, but that was a long time coming. The girls throw Debs to the ground and pound on her, and suddenly a handsome young man pulls them off of her and tells the girls to scram. Holly calls Debs a “rapist bitch” on the way out and Debs thanks the kid, who tells her that if she wants to start 1-on-4 fights, she needs to up her combat game. He runs off and she notices the name of a gym on the back of his shirt.
Frank enters The Alibi, where he is welcomed as a hero for whatever it was he did there last night. He apparently almost bought the bar – spent a few grand. Mickey – in a hideous Hawaiian shirt – says he regrets missing last night. Frank says he misplaced a fortune and they tell him to check his pockets – he checks them and finds the keys to a Porsche. They ask if he stole a Porsche, and he says he might have bought one.
Debs visits the gym and finds the kid who helped her, asking if this is where he learned to fight. He says he learned how to fight in juvie after being raped a few times. She perks up at the mention of rape, but he was just kidding. He tells her she can get a free intro lesson if she asks at the desk.
Carl is supremely unthrilled with his business casual crack dealer routine, and goes through the motions when a white customer pulls up. Afterward it turns out Carl gave the customer too much crack, and now he owes the mouthy kid from earlier $100 – the kid warns that people get shot out there for that kind of thing. What, Carl – you thought dealing crack would be easy? It’s like working at a burger joint, only if you accidentally forget the pickles, your boss kills you.
Frank returns to the park where he woke up and uses the key to locate the Porsche, which is all banged up. He finds a crack pipe on the front seat… and Kermit in the back. Kermit tells him that Frank bought the car for $60 grand cash, then bought and smoked a ton of crack, then drove them to Chinatown for dim sum. Which pairs well with crack, I imagine. (And a nice dry Riesling.)
Amanda’s parents come home and pretend to be happy to have Lip there. Her dad instantly asks for the ten grand back, with four percent interest. He walks away smirking, unclear if he’s joking or not. Lip meets Amanda’s sisters and both of their nannies, and Amanda’s mom offers to have one of the nannies make him a quesadilla. He declines, saying that the nanny looks like she has enough to do. Her dad locks the liquor cabinet and she calls him a douchebag, and goes to make cocktails.
At the club, Fiona orders two vodka sodas as V finds a guy on the dancefloor and gets all up on his piece. Fiona gets a nod and a smile from some rando, but she blows him off. V grinds all up on the guy she’s dancing with, and encourages him to grind her harder. OMG, did she just orgasm on the dance floor? She immediately runs over to Fiona and says she wants to leave. Outside, she tells Fiona that yes, she did in fact have an orgasm – that’s how horny she is. She asks if she just cheated on Kev and Fiona says it wasn’t really intentional…
At the dim sum place, Frank and Kermit are welcomed back and led into a locked basement, where there is a gambling parlor. Frank is convinced he lost money, but we see in flashback that Frank did extremely well – wearing a shirt and tie – at the game. He doubled his money and left with three ladies (Kermit was sleeping off dumplings in the car).
At Gus’s, he plays piano and Fiona comes over. She says she wanted to see him and pins him up against the door, then pulls away. He offers her a beer, confused. She says she’s falling in love with him, too, and he says, “Okay.” She asks, “Is it?” Then there is a montage of them having a lot of sex in a lot of places, in between doing shots of whiskey and watching ER reruns. God I miss my twenties.
Debs tells Kev she’s studying MMA and he says he has some great tips for putting on muscle mass. Debs leaves as V comes through on her way to work – she is distant and distracted, but Kev and the girls don’t seem to notice.
Fiona calls in sick at the diner while Gus… helps himself to the blue plate special. Goodness! Her coworker puts Sean on, to Fiona’s dismay, but she keeps her cool and manages to get out of her lunch shift, but not dinner. She hangs up, hopefully to get Gus some extra napkins. Later, they eat in bed and Fiona says she wants to be with Gus even when they aren’t fucking, which is craaaazy. He asks if she wants to get married, saying that his parents got married after dating for 2 days. They each call each other’s bluffs, and end up Googling “marriage in Chicago” for same-day weddings. They pop open champagne and download a marriage license application. Uh-oh.
Mickey wakes up to find Ian dressed in a suit – “just something he threw on”. Mickey comes out into the living room to find Ian breaking open a stack of unclaimed luggage that he stole from the airport. Svetlana breezes by in a rhinestone gown and fake mink shrug and Mickey tells them both they “look fucking insane”. It’s absolutely precious. Ian finds a massive dildo in one of the suitcases and tells Mickey he knows he wants it. Mickey points out that there’s a hair on it and he’ll kick Ian’s ass if he comes near him with it. Ian chases Mickey around the house – to Sveltana’s delight – waving the massive dildo like a lightsaber, and finally manages to smack Mickey right in the kisser with it. Ian, that’s how germs are spread. Also, these three are officially the best thing ever.
Carl finds Frank and his Porsche, and Frank asks if Sammi knows about this. Carl says Sammi thinks Frank owes her an RV. Carl asks Frank for $100 and Frank says he doesn’t have it. Carl asks if he can drive the car, and finds a hotel keypass for The Loren in the front seat.
At Reflex Athletics, Debs is distracted during her class by the cute guy from earlier, but when her sparring partner gets a solid punch in, she kicks her in the groin and wails on her. The instructor breaks them up and Debs says she may need to work on her form. The boy smiles.
Gus – showing some nice underbutt (though it might be an underbutt-double) – prints out the application and they fill out the forms. She’ll says she’ll take his last name before learning what it is: “Pfender” He says she doesn’t have to take it, and she agrees: “It’s Pfucked up.” Also, she has to be at work by 5, so they need to hurry with the the whole “vowing to spend the rest of their lives together” thing.
Frank and Carl return to the hotel room to find the three Chinese prostitutes drinking a $2100 bottle of wine – turns out he paid the girls through the weekend. Frank remembers last night’s party, which involved dentists from a convention motorboating the girls, a guy in a hotdog suit, and a businessman who left with Frank – Frank thinks he was in the diamond business. He finds the guy’s card and calls him, learning that he gave the guy $113,000 as an “investment”. The guy gives him his office address. Can’t wait to see this.
Amanda’s parents grill Lip on his major, and Lip throws back at them that he’s actually a boy genius. Turns out Amanda’s dad is an engineer who invented water-free urinals. “There’s a lot of money in urine!” He just filed a patent for a biodegradable alternative to styrofoam that’s fungus-based. Lip asks a smart question and Pops offers to show him his workshop later.
Fiona and Gus are at the courthouse and they realize that they don’t have rings. They buy cheap flowers and use the rubber bands on the bouquet as rings. Fiona says that this is crazy and they can just go, and he says that’s fine – and then his name is called. Whoops.
Carl asks if Frank is good with fractions of 16ths, and Frank asks if he’s dealing drugs. He then impressively runs through the entire gamut of drug measurements off the top of his head.
Fiona and Gus get married – and the music played (Beirut’s “Postcards from Italy”) is actually a song played during one of my best friend’s weddings. Aww! They kiss, and Fiona says, “Holy fuck” several times. The justice signs the form and they are married. They kiss.
Frank enters an office and the businessman, Buddy Diamond, welcomes him and Carl, and says that he now realizes that this must be personal for Frank, what with Carl’s legs and all. Frank is confused, and Buddy walks him around the corner to reveal a room full of child amputees. Oh. My. God. Turns out Frank has just donated money to outfit homeless children with prosthetic legs. The kids cheer for Frank but Frank tells Buddy that he needs the money back. Buddy tells him that the money has been spent on expensive prosthetic limbs for these kids. When Frank realizes that one leg is worth $60 grand, he grabs one and runs for it – but the girl it belongs to know grabs on and HE DRAGS A ONE-LEGGED CHILD AROUND A DOCTOR’S TABLE SHAPED LIKE A FIRE ENGINE. OMG this show…
Debs chats up the kid at the gym again and he says he trains 4-6 hours a day for boxing. He says his dad used to beat up his mom and he learned boxing to defend her – again, he’s kidding. We’re on to you, Boy Who Cried Very Special Episode! He asks if she’s going to stick with it and she says she might. They both smile as she heads home.
Frank sits on the curb with Carl mourning all the money he blew helping amputee children. He imparts some life lessons to Carl (“Charity is something received, not given,” and don’t mix your meds, booze and drugs). Suddenly they are swarmed by a bunch of valets who beat up Frank for running over their coworker with the Porsche two nights prior. They demand he pay for Dimitri’s medical bills and Frank gives them his beat-up Porsche instead.
Sean tells Fiona she’s falling behind on her tables and she apologizes. The guys from the band show up and start playing “Here Comes the Bride” loudly before she can tell them that Sean doesn’t want them there. They blow her cover (Gus is mortified) and Sean walks away.
Amanda’s dad shows him a model of an electric car that folds itself so that it can fit into tighter spaces. Lip correctly guesses that the engines are inside the wheels. Huh! Pops then shows him a plastic film that’s electrically active that hasn’t really worked yet – Amanda is irked that they are actually bonding, but she smiles as she walks away. Pops shows him a potted plant made of his new invention, which has a nook carved out of it where he keeps his weed. He smokes Lip up and asks what he’s doing for the summer, disappointed that Lip is doing manual labor. He tells Lip that next time he should tell him and he’ll get him a paid internship – he has a big career ahead of him.
Sean tells Fiona that he can take the rest of the day, and tells her that next time she wants the day off to get married she should just tell him. They all congratulate her, saying Gus is a good guy. Debs calls asking if she’s coming home, and adding that she’s not going on the pill after all because it’s not good when you’re trying to build muscle mass. Fiona is confused but Debs says she’ll explain later. Fiona almost tells her that she got married but opts to ask Debs to watch Liam until the morning instead.
Ian went back to the airport for more suitcases and Mickey tells him he need to stop. Ian is manically organizing all the stuff – the entire house is full of crap. Svetlana tells Mickey, “Your boyfriend is losing his shit.” Here we go…
Kev says that one of the babies said “Da” today and V tells him that she had an orgasm on the dancefloor grinding against a stranger. It’s so nice that they each have their own experiences to bring to the dinner table! She says it’s a warning sign from her coochie that something’s wrong at home, but Kev looks like he is seriously going to be ill. Oh my God.
Frank shares his expensive wine with Carl on the stoop. Later, in bed under the covers, Carl goes over his flashcards that he has made to memorize the difference between an eightball and a teener. That’s showing some initiative, baby psycho!
Gus and Fiona come back to his apartment and she cleans up as he picks up his guitar and picks at it in the other room. They don’t seem to know what to say to one another – this was clearly a mistake for both of them.
Notably Absent: Sammi & Chuckie, Sheila, Jimmy/Steve and his messenger-lady, Mandy
Okay, that was… unexpected. And I’m not just talking about Deb’s left turn into MMA (which, if you think about her history of violent outbursts, isn’t actually that far off-track). No, I’m talking about the wedding. I mean, I enjoyed the furry spoils of Fiona’s Pfender bender as much as the next guy, but even I have to admit that marrying Gus seemed a bit impulsive, even for her, a character well-established as having absolutely no impulse control. I’m sorry that things went south so quickly for her and Gus, because he seemed like a legit nice guy and the world is a better place with him naked in it.
While Mickey, Ian and Svetlana got blink-and-miss-them screen time this week, they made the absolute best of it. I am officially in love with this family in all its fractured, luggage-stealing, used-sex-toy-throwing glory. (Though that’s the second secondhand sex toy gag already this season – let’s keep it fresh, folks!) I’m dreading Ian’s crash, which could come at any moment. I just hope that Mickey is able to get Ian whatever it is he needs to make it through this time.
I’m also beyond furious that the show is messing with Kev and V, the one stable relationship on the entire series. The look on Kev’s face when V blurted out about her dancefloor O was HORRIBLE. I really don’t want to have to watch the fallout from that. On a related note, is Chicago really that lousy with identical white dudes who look like they should be playing in bad bands? I swear that Davis and the guy that V mounted at the club were identical. Someone should check the water supply.
In all, a fun enough ep, if a little uneven. I’m hoping next week will be a bit jucier, but in the meantime I’ll give this one 7 Old Styles, two of which were earned entirely by Gus’s pfenders: