YOUR FAVORITE LOGO TV SHOWS ARE ON PARAMOUNT+

Sherlock Recap: "Miss Me?"

Last week on Sherlock, John Watson married Mary Morstan who is awesome and full of secrets (and a fetus). Baby makes four and Sherlock was one sad bachelor of best man.

This week we start up on a creepy note, a creepy non-descript foreign note. In what is very evidently a nod to both Rupert Murdoch and Julian Assange (ironic in light of Benedict Cumberbatch’s starring role in last year’s The Fifth Estate). Magnussen (played by Lars Mikkelsen), is creepy and let me count the ways. First off he has super-secret-agent information glasses that tell him everything from a person’s marital status to their porn preferences. Second of all he’s played by Mads Mikkelsen’s brother. Being related to Hannibal Lecter makes you instantly creepy in my book.

So Creepy McCreeperson knows all your secrets and speaks very slowly, awesome! He also lives in the IKEA headquarters and likes to sexually harass women by blackmailing them about their husband’s pedophilia and then licking them like oversized candy. He’s just a pile of fun.

In a heartbreaking parallel to the pilot episode of the show, John is having PTSD-induced dreams of both the actual war and of his time with Sherlock.  But as a it turns out all this time with Sherlock hasn’t been for naught and the neighbors know to come to him with their mysteries and woes.

John goes off on a neighborly mission with his preggers wife to rescue a neighborhood kid from a crack house. Hooray!  You’re right Mary; it is a tiny bit sexy.

John Hamish Watson is not messing around, taking out a jumpy addict with a few quite sexy moves. Apparently doctors know how to sprain people. Fun fact!

John locates the missing teenager and the also missing but unexpected Sherlock who has been laying low and “undercover” in the classiest place on earth.

One tantrum and a sedan full of junkies later and they're off to Molly Hooper’s lab.

Molly Hooper is not amused. If you thought the three smackdowns John laid on Sherlock in episode one were amazing, I personally think the three in a row slaps Molly hands him in this one are a gift. She is not having any of his misbehaving. How dare him, indeed!

It does seem Sherlock found a bit of an apprentice in his drugged up escapades though, Billy Wiggins; a character that fans of Arthur Conan Doyle’s canon will likely recognize.

Back at 221B Baker Street, big bro Mycroft has a two person drug bust in Sherlock’s place led by dear old (apparently recovering) Anderson and a member of Sherlock's fanclub.

Magnussen’s name seems to shake Mycroft up which means this guy has to have some serious clout with like the entire British government. As a side note, don’t piss off Sherlock when he’s under the influence of heavy drugs.

Sherlock entices John back into business with the promise of life threatening danger and pops off to make himself look human again. But whoops? Oh my. It’s the bridesmaid from last episode! And here we all thought Sherlock missed his chance with her. But…since when does Sherlock want a chance with anyone who doesn’t threaten his life while naked?

John is properly shocked because Sherlock with a girlfriend does not compute. We concur, Dr. Watson, we concur. "Sherlock has a girlfriend" is quite the conundrum. She’s kind of cute though, except that part where she presumes to know more about Sherlock than anyone else. Ha, alright honey, slow down there.

Sherlock really can’t get the gravitas of the situation through to John because, what’s an IKEA house full of scandalous secrets compared to Sherlock getting it on with a cute and seemingly normal woman?

Creepy McCreperson comes in and stares everyone down with his Robocop eyeglasses and if that isn’t the weirdest/most interesting data on Mrs. Hudson I mean – exotic dancer? Go you, Mrs. H.

McCreeperson goes ahead and pees on everything Sherlock loves both by being scary, offending Great Britain, and by literally peeing on his hearth. Because you know, stay classy.

Time for a break in! Everything is keycards this day, don’t you miss going to a hotel and getting a key and feeling a little bit sleazy because everyone touches it? Oh well. Sherlock gives us a lesson in DO NOT PRESS YOUR KEY CARDS TO YOUR SMARTPHONES. Who says TV doesn’t have practical use?

So since Sherlock can’t get in with a fake keycard, what’s our passage to McCreeperson’s office? Why, it’s Sherlock sudden interest in healthy romantic entanglements! See, I knew there was a rational and twisted explanation behind this. Proposing your way into a locked facility. John is just not having it. He gave you the best years of his life Sherlock! Where's his ring?

Upon breaking and entering they find that Sherlock’s new fiancée is knocked out and not by his romantic exploits. But if we’re breaking into the bad guy’s office, who else is in here?

Oh my, an adorably short murderer that’s who. I’m loving the ski hat – OH MY GOD.

I knew Mary was full of secrets and all but, damn. I think Steven Moffat misses his dear River Song (another adorable lady assassin of his creation).

It’s fair to say that Sherlock is stunned, not only because she’s John’s wife but also because as we’ve seen, Sherlock himself has become quite close with her. But there you go, now he’s in dying mode.

Dying mode happens to be pretty awesome because it’s basically a compilation of the cleverest voices in his head; Molly Hooper, Philip Anderson, and his big brother Mycroft (who literally makes him feel like an adorable baby Sherlock).

In all of this angst, the most heartbreaking part is finding out that Redbeard isn’t code for some top secret mission; it was just his puppy that had to be put down when he was a child. Wow it’s okay; I didn't need my heart or anything.

As Sherlock spirals into pain he meets with his soul mate/arch nemesis Jim Moriarty. Oh you evil evil genius, so nice to have a cameo of your madness. It’s Jim’s memory-ghost that ends up bringing him back with some wicked reverse psychology. John needs Sherlock and in the name of every slash fanfic out there, Sherlock is going to crawl himself out of death for John. Ugh, hold my Johnlock feels; I can’t.

Now that he’s out of the woods, how about some sweet revenge on behalf of Sherlock’s officially ex-fiancée (that lasted long, huh)? I actually find it pretty flattering.

Pleasantries over, it’s time to remember that John’s wife is actually a professional assassin of some form. Sherlock promptly escapes from hospital and runs off to plot …something.

John’s chair is back in place, wonder why Sherlock thinks his bff might need a place to crash, huh?

Sherlock reaches out to Mary via Billy the temporary bum and leads her to a shady alley hidden behind pretty white façades. How allegorical, I love that about this show. The house high display of Mary’s wedding photo though, that's a bit much. Mary – if that’s even her real name – actually it soon becomes clear that it’s not. Mary Watson is probably more like Black Widow than we original thought which is, you know, awesome and probably unfortunate for Mr. Watson.

Oh no, Sherlock no!  Oh well, bravo for open communication in married couples.

Cut to Christmas! The Holmes family is adorable, especially with the additions of Billy the protégé and Mary the estranged best friend’s wife (really, that’s not any weirder than any of our Christmases now is it?).

John does show up for a heart to heart with his (probably Russian) assassin of an estranged and heavily pregnant wife.

In a flashback we see Sherlock basically blaming all the horrible things in John’s life to the fact that he just attracts a certain type of person, well. I don’t know how I feel about that level of victim blaming but then John does a good job of making that exact point.

I did get a particularly twisty feeling when John declares “We decide if we want you or not.” At the end of the day it did end up as we expected, John isn’t going off to find a partner of his own, John and Sherlock are bringing someone new into the fold.

Mary adds on to the pile of victim bullying, but she does provide John with her Wiki Leaks in a flash drive for his perusal.

As it turns out that she didn’t actually try to murder Sherlock and that John really loves her very much, he forgives her and tells her that he doesn’t need to know anything about her past. It reminds me of a Backstreet Boys song but I can’t think of it since I'm in the midst of tears right now.

Sherlock is all up and ready to kill Creepy McCreeperson and is out having a smoke with his big bro when Mycroft tells him that McCreeperson is all useful or whatever and that he shouldn’t be killed. After some brotherly banter Mycroft admits that he does actually love his brother, which Sherlock is absolutely scandalized by. Solution? Drug the whole family! Nice note to have Billy Wiggins make a light formula for Mary considering her condition.

With a flashback we find out that, surprise surprise! Magnussen doesn’t have Robocop glasses at all, he’s just…kind of like Sherlock?

John and Sherlock are off to IKEA central – and on Christmas no less! But there’s really nothing fun there at all, just McCreeperson waiting on them to take Mycroft’s Laptop Full of Global Secrets in exchange for Mary Watson’s file. First though, Magnussen reveals that he’s the one who stuffed John in a pyre. Just to check if Sherlock really loves him you know?

After a brief tour of the IKEA headquarters, it turns out that well…there isn’t a file. There aren’t any files at all!  That is frustrating, but not more frustrating than this creep poking and flicking at John’s face just because he can, seriously ugh. Magnussen then goes on ad nauseam about how he can ruin everything with all the information he simply knows.

The British version of the SWAT team arrives just in time for Sherlock to confirm that the top secret vaults are actually Magnussen’s very own mind palace. All of the information that can ruin the precious threesome life of Sherlock, John, and Mary is in McCreeperson’s brain.

Solution? Blow McCreeperson’s brains out!  It’s not exactly clean, but then again, Sherlock loves John very very very much.

Oh, this is not going to end well. Mycroft is up on high trying to keep highly trained officers from shooting his brother while Sherlock basically confirms to John that he’s kept his wedding vows (because you bet your butt Sherlock made wedding vows at his best friend’s wedding) John and Mary are safe now.

Mycroft tries to negotiate Sherlock’s punishment for basically murdering a really influential creeper (and did anyone else catch the possible mention of a third Holmes brother? “I’m not given to outbursts of brotherly compassion; you know what happened to the other one.”). Seriously, can you imagine another one of these?

All is set for Sherlock to be exiled (how old school of them) and I hope you all have your hankies ready because it’s time for tearful goodbyes.

William Scott Sherlock Holmes, there you have it for your records folks. I particularly loved the build up to a declaration of endless love that turned out to be more like Sherlock trying to convince John to name his firstborn after him.

As we watch Sherlock’s plane to exile take off I had to say I was very afraid that we were going to get a tremendously anti-climactic ending. But wait! IT’S THE SCRATCHY SCREEN OF DOOM!  Something sinister is about to show up on every screen in the nation....

Moriarty is back! Hell yes, we missed you! Turn that plane around Sherlock, Jimmy Boy is BACK!

Oh goodness, it’s even better than Sherlock coming back from the “dead”.  He’s even got an after credits wink in all of his dapper serial killing glory.

With all of us jumping for joy at the promise of a more twisted and delicious fourth season, we cling to the rumors that at least one new episode of Sherlock will be back by the end of this year. But oh, I have been burned by you before BBC! For now, everyone take your shock blankets and settle in for the long haul. Who truly knows when Sherlock will grace our screens again?

Latest News