I was starving when I sat down to do this week's recap, so I ordered a pizza just as I started. So please ignore any sounds of chewing or globs of sticky cheese.

We begin with Spartacus getting thrown down by a bunch of Batty’s men. Batty, who is none too pleased with Spartacus’ loss against Crixus in the last epoisode, steps right on Spartacus’ little gladiator as he scolds him for his poor performance. And here I thought quarterly performance evaluations were bad.

Spartacus begs for a second chance, and Batty tells him the only way for him to earn back his keep is to fight in “the pits.” I'm thinking "does he mean cherry pits?" Sure, fighting in a bunch of wet, slimy cherry pits wouldn't be much fun, but we've seen a lot worse on reality television, and given the whole "feeding Christians to the lions" thing, this doesn't seem that bad.

Barracuda and that sleazy Ashur guy prepare Spartacus by rubbing dirt on him, which totally makes sense. Right? No? Well, it was ancient Rome; they did weird stuff back then. Like fighting in piles of cherry pits.

Ooops, pizza's here. Hold on a second. Mmm, looks delicious. Okay, back to the recap!

So, Lucretia Lawless is doing her best Liz Taylor in Cleopatra impression as she lounges in her house first being fanned by one slave, then demanding perfume from Old Navy, her slave in waiting. Batty tells her that he’s going into the pits, but not to worry – Barracuda will be there to protect him.

Cut to one of the heavy-metal slow-mo fight training scenes we’ve come to know and love, and dirty ol’ Spartacus walks out to chat about the impending fight with a crazy bald gladiator who has “Fugitivus” tattooed on his forehead.

Pardon me, while a grab a quick bite! This pizza just smells too good to resist!

This scene segues into the first match in the pits, where Fugitivus is getting his ass handed to him against some psychopathic fighter who cuts the face off of his opponents and wears them as masks. And we're back to the weird, vicious stuff the Romans liked.

Leatherface beats him, of course, so cue the Queen of Hearts “Off with his face!” chant. And off it goes. Seriously. It makes the movie Face/Off look like a Disney cartoon.

And suddenly pizza covered with tomato sauce doesn't look so appealing.

It's bad enough that Batty has to watch one of his guys get sliced and diced, but then who should be hanging out in the pits than none other but that guy he owes money to … I think his name is Loansharkius? And how awful is that hair cut of his? The loanshark business must not be going so well.

Turns out he wants the money he's owed paid back right now (to get a new wig, maybe?), but Batty tells him he’ll get it in time, and Barracuda does some flexing, so Loansharkius backs off.

Back at Batty's digs, Crixus is still trying to mack on Old Navy, who seems like she’s into him, but is way too freaked about pissing off Lucretia Lawless, so she returns the necklace he gave her last episode. What, no one’s paying attention to the plot? Come on, people, I know there’s naked men everywhere, but try to keep up!

Crixus goes to Lucretia Lawless’s chambers, who greets him in a robe inspired by that famous J. Lo plunging-neckline outfit. She sees he’s carrying a necklace, and thinks it’s for her. Well, the world just revolves around you, doesn’t it, Lucretia?

She has him put it on her before jumping on top of him and doing her best impression of John Travolta in Urban Cowboy. Her robe slips and we get a gander at her … metal pasties? Come on, Xena, that’s a little too Janet Jackson, don’t ya think?

Back in the pits, Spartacus is facing off against his first Pit opponent. They have to draw the names of the weapons they’re going to use from a pot which is just how we settle disputes around the AfterElton offices. I got the right to do the Spartacus recaps when I drew a fireball spell that defeated that pushy snicks!

Anyway, the pot with the names of the weapons is brought to them by what looks like a female slave with one arm and … uh … decidedly un-female genitalia. Moving on.

Spartacus' opponent gets to use spiked gloves, but Spartacus only gets these dinky little brass knuckles. Hey, that’s not fair! Don't they know the hottest people always get all of the advantages in life!

Speaking of advantages, my appetite is coming back. I'm thinking I'll try another slice of pizza...

Spartacus fights the guy, but at first he’s getting his ass handed to him. Finally, he gains the advantage, then beats the guy by grabbing one of the hooks hanging around the arena and jamming it into the guy’s face.

And now I'm putting the pizza back! If you thought the comic-y blood-spattering from the first episode was fun, this grisly realistic bloodbath may turn your stomach.

Batty returns to Lucretia Lawless, who is none too pleased with all of this Pit business. She’s all, “If you get killed down there, I’ll have to marry somebody else! Is that what you want? Me to get all freaky with some other dude? Like Crixus? You want me to have sex with Crixus? Is that what you’re saying? Because I will if you absolutely insist!”

Okay, chill, Xena. There’s protesting too much, and there’s, well, what you just did.

Batty sees the necklace that she took from Crixus, and Lucretia says it was just some old thing she found among her mother’s things. (Lying ho bag!) Then she offers to return the emerald necklace she bought to impress Paris Hilton BC so they can get some money, but Batty’s all, “No wife of mine is going to return jewelry!”

Lucretia’s so pleased she jumps his bones before he can even wash the stench of the pit off of himself. She’s got an appetite, that one.

Back in the gladiator cells, a battered Spartacus gingerly makes his way down the stairs when he hears some grunting coming from around the bend. And what does he see but Barracuda really giving it to that Twink Slave we’ve seen him with in the past. Barracuda looks all serious and grunty, but from that huge smile on Twink Slave’s face, you can tell he must have just gone to McDonald’s, ‘cause bah da bah bah bah, he’s lovin’ it.

And with that, it's 100% clear who the gay gladiator is. It's also 100% clear we won't ever be seeing anything like this on CBS. Or Fox, NBC or ABC for that matter.

Spartacus gets thrown into the cell, and Blond Favreau is thrilled he’s alive. And what do you know, but all of a sudden Spartacus and Blond Favreau start going at it. Maybe they were inspired by Barracuda and Twink Slave? Who cares! Spartacus pulls BF close and they start to kiss–

Hold on. What just happened? Oh good grief, I just mixed up my recap with my slash fiction. Sorry about that!

What really happened is that Blond Favreau admits he used to go to the pits to place bets, and he warns him that the fights down there turn people into monsters. Kinda like that Leatherface dude. Or Rush Limbaugh.

Out in the city streets, Lucretia Lawless is trying to return the emerald necklace to the vendor who sold it to her, but he only wants to pay a fraction of what she paid him for it. Batty’s rival So-lame-ius shows up and offers to buy it at full price, but Lucretia is like, “Uh uh. I got a man. So back that thing up, ‘kay?” She accepts the vendor’s cheapskate offer instead.

Back in the ludus, Pit Guy (not to be confused with the pits guys) makes fun of Spartacus in front of everyone. No one will talk to him, so it’s Twink Slave to the rescue! That’s right, Barracuda’s boyfriend who we’ve only seen so far hauling water in the background, actually gets some lines. It turns out he’s a pretty nice dude, giving Spartacus some food and water when no one else will even look at him.

Barracuda is not having it, and tells Twink Slave to get away. Crixus teases Barracuda that he can’t keep his boy satisfied. Wow, for realsies? Openly gay gladiators and nobody cares? What utopian planet did they film this series on?

Ashur comes by and asks Crixus if the necklace he got for him did the trick. Crixus is pissed that Ashur apparently doesn’t know what the “DL” means. Barracuda pieces things together and warns Crixus to drop his thang for Old Navy, ‘cause it’ll get him in mad trouble with Lucretia Lawless.

So, everyone knows about the affair except for Batty? Man, sucks to be you, Batty.

And I'm thinking even though my pizza is a little cold by now, I'm ready to try eating again.

Back in the pits, Spartacus is fighting another guy, and it is getting nasty. His opponent has clearly been keeping up with the UFC reruns on Spike, because he gets him in a suspiciously Jiu-jitsu-looking arm bar, but Spartacus gets out with a pretty mean elbow to the groin and gets on top of the guy.

Remember how Blond Favreau was saying that the pit turned men into monsters? Well, we can see it happening to Spartacus as he plunges out the guy’s eyes with his thumbs (ewwwwwwwww!) and snaps his neck.

And I take the pizza to the trash and throw it away. I may never eat again.

Back in the gladiator cells, Crixus emerges from the baths and – whoa, what’s up, full-frontal! – is told he’s been summoned. He thinks it’s by Lucretia Lawless, but hey, look at that, it was that sneaky Old Navy who summoned him. She tells him off for giving the necklace to Lucretia, and he’s all, “Say what? You told me you didn’t want it!”

She explains that it might look kind of weird for a slave to be wearing a fancy necklace while her masters couldn’t even afford perfume. Duh, Crixus. It takes a while, but he finally gets it. She starts really telling him off, but he kisses her in the middle of her tirade, and you can tell she didn’t exactly hate it. Damn, that Crixus is a major player.

Elsewhere, you can tell Spartacus is really starting to go nuts from all the killing he’s been doing. He starts hallucinating that his wife Sura is there, even though he’s talking to Blond Favreau.

Meanwhile, Ashur and Batty are counting all the money Spartacus has been making in the pits, but they know it’s still not enough and Lucretia overhears and freaks out about how much they still owe, but Batty is all, “I’m the man! I’m the one who worries about money!”

And Lucretia is like, “Uh, maybe you don’t know who I am!” She tells him about how she got some money back for the necklace, and Batty is not happy that she had to go through that.

Come on, guys, give us a break! No more crappy economy talk! I thought we discussed this!

Cut to a crazy dream sequence, where Spartacus sees Sura in the ludus, but it starts raining blood on her. Creepy.

The next morning, Spartacus tells Batty about the dream, and how he thinks it’s a sign that she’s gong to die if he doesn’t do something quick. He tells Batty to bet against him on the next match, and that he’s going to take a dive … which of course means getting brutally carved up when you take a dive in the pits.

At the pits that night, we learn Spartacus is going one on one with Leatherface. When they draw their weapons from the pot, Leatherface gets twin battle axes, while Spartacus gets a gnarly sword. Ooh, this is not going to be pretty.

They start fighting, and Spartacus draws first blood, but Leatherface soon gets some real momentum going. Despite being busy down in the pit trying to get killed while not looking he's trying to get killed, Spartacus noticies that someone’s about to attack Batty. Our Spartacus is quite the multitasker!

Barracuda takes care of the first assasin but doesn’t see the second coming for Batty. So Spartacus makes quick work of Leatherface and hurls the axe out of the pit and kills Batty’s would-be killer.

So Spartacus didn’t throw the match, but he did save Batty’s life.

They learn that the assassins were slaves, which pisses Batty off royally. If he's going to be murdered he at least wants the prestige of it being done by Rome's version of 007! Or should that be VII? (Interesting fact: there was no Roman symbol for zero! Who knew?)

Batty tells Ashur to find out who the dead slaves belonged to and then goes to see Lucretia Lawless, who is still freaking out about money. She blames all of their problems on Spartacus, and says he has to die. Is she blind? Has she not noticed how he fills out that loincloth or his six packius?

Batty summons Spartacus out into the ludus, and tells him that Lucretia thinks he’s cursed. Both Batty and Spartacus pretty much agree on that score, but Batty mans up and says he appreciates how Spartacus saved his life. He also says there will be no more of that pit business for any of them. Instead, Spartacus can take on some extra duties, like "fluffing" him for Lucy Lucretia. Or am I mixing up my slash fiction again?

Okay, so as episodes go, that one was dark, but pretty exciting.

And hey, did you guys see those gay gladiators? Woo hoo!