We begin with Spartacus lounging about in his loincloth, reminiscing about how freaktastically awesome he is at killing dudes in the arena. Disturbingly, it brings a smile to his face.

Watching him in the arena, Paris Hilton BC and So-lame-ius bitch and moan about how Spartacus is always winning in the main events, so Batty and Lucretia Lawless tell them about their plans to buy a new batch of gladiators.

In the streets, Batty sees So-lame-ius approaching the slave auction at Slaves-R-Us, and the two trade a few thinly veiled threats. The auctioneer is like, "Dudes! Check out this awesome selection of beefacke."

So Batty bids way too much to make So-lame-ius feel like less of a man. I'd be careful there, Batty. The worm may have turned, but I bet it could turn again faster than you could say "Primus!"

Back in the villa, poor recuperating Crisco is trying his best to get his freak on with Lucretia, but it's a pretty sorry attempt. Old Navy shows up to tell them that Batty's back, and Lucretia's like, "Get out!"

Old Navy's bumming because she wants a piece of the Crisco action, so he tells her not to worry, he's totally thinking about her while he's bangin' Xena. Totally.

The new potential gladiators show up and are given the welcoming speech by Pit Guy in a repeat of what we saw in the second episode, only now it's Spartacus making Crisco's customary speech about how they're all such rockin' dudes and how the sand is steeped with the blood of those who came before them.

You know, the usual "Welcome to the office" speech we all get on our first day.

Paris is checking out the newbies, and Batty notices her interest in them, so Lucretia offers her the chance to be one of their patrons. She giggles at the idea of being a domina to a gladiator, but doesn't know which one to choose. So naturally Batty suggests all the guys get naked for her, and ... wait for it ... is that ...

Hey, it's Kirk Douglas! That's right, the new Gaul gladiator is either sporting one of the shows notorious prosthetic enhancements, or this dude has a lot to feel proud of. A lot. Paris, not surprisingly, chooses him to be her gladiator.

Paris and Lucretia then go to get massages, and Paris tells her about all of her frenemies who she's jealous of. Lucretia tells her she should invite them by to see her gladiator, and Paris is like, "No way, you're totally not good enough for my friends. They don't like slumming it like I do. No offense, though, right, sister? Holla!"

In the cafeteria, Crisco shows up and starts bullying the new recruits the way he used to do to Spartacus and Blond Favreau, but now it's Spartacus who's the Champion of Capua and he's like, "Back off, dude." Crisco's like, "Ooh, check out Mr. Sensitive." And Spartacus is all, "You wanna step, homes?" But Crisco doesn't, so he slinks away.

Ash-hole patrols the cells with a gang of hookers, and drops them off from cell to cell. He walks right past Crisco, who's like, "You owe me money, dude." Uh, careful, Crisco. I saw what happened to the last guy to whom Ash-hole owed money. Didn't end that well. Just ask our readers.

Spartacus walks by Blonde Favreau's cell and discovers his friend going at it with one of the hookers, and they make creepy eye contact. Any Blondie/Sparty shippers will go nuts, but I just found it squeamishly uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, the new recruits are talking about how Spartacus is a big deal, and one of the guys is so inspired that he wants to be just like Spartacus. Unfortunately, his dreams are crushed when he's killed by the well-endowed gladiator, hereby dubbed Kirkdouglacus.

Batty learns from the Medicus that Crisco still has a ways to go to heal, and Ash-hole tries to get Batty to sell Crisco. Lucretia and Old Navy overhear this, and Lucretia's like, "No way, Batty. You ain't getting rid of my man! Uh .. I mean ... which is you, of course, you're my man. And ... um ... by selling Crisco, you'd be acting really differently, thus metaphorically getting rid of yourself, ergo 'getting rid of my man.' Yes! See how I turned that around? Nailed it!"

Old Navy rushes down to tell Crisco that he's in danger of being sold, and that in order to save his place he should beat the crap out Spartacus. Crisco's all, "I could get into that," and goes to throw down with Sparty.

Spartacus is all, "Bring it on, ho bag!" So Pit Guy okays the match as a demo for the new guys. They fight, and Spartacus wipes the floor with Crisco. He wants to kill him, but Batty's like, "Eh, maybe next time."

In the market, So-lame-ius spots Ash-hole and tries to lure him to the dark side. Well, to the darker side, anyway. But it turns out Ash-hole is loyal to Batty. So ... good? I'm having trouble keeping track who the bad guys are.

Paris BC shows up at Lucretia's digs with a bunch of her uber-bitchy Frenemies, who immediately start insulting Lucretia and her home digs. Lucretia's like, "This place is awesome, yo! I've got a bunch of naked dudes running around. Paris even owns one!" At first they want to see him, but then they're like, "No, wait, bring up Spartacus!"

Paris and Lucretia aren't too excited by that prospect, but they agree.

Back in the baths, which are even nakeder than usual this time, Sparty and Kirkdouglacus are having a chat when a guard summons Spartacus to get checked out by the Frenemies. They faun over him, and one in particular looks way interested, and not in an academic way.

One of the girls says that gladiator blood is basically ancient Roman Viagra, so Paris volunteers to cut Spartacus so they can have some as a ... souvenir. Lucretia looks a little nervous, but she gives it the okay.

The Frenemies keep cooing over Spartacus, prompting Paris to yell at them, saying he totally sucks. So Spartacus is all, "Actually, it's your husband who totally sucks." Lucretia gets the guards to remove him, and Paris is all furious. But her Frenemies are like, "No, dude, he's right. Your husband totally sucks. Okay, peace out, bitches!"

After they leave, Paris asks Lucretia if she can have a word with Kirkdouglacus.

She goes to see him and dismisses the guards. She seems all nice and generous, and then assigns him a secret mission. Hmm ... I wonder what it could be?

Lucretia tells Batty that the Frenemies are all into her, and Batty's like, "That's cool. So I'm definitely getting rid of Crisco." Old Navy runs and tells Crisco, of course. He's like, "Man, even Lucretia Lawless doesn't believe in me." So Old Navy's like, "Crisco, you need to screw her. You need to screew like you've never screwed before in your entire life of screwing." And Crisco's like, "I can do that."

In the ludus, Spartacus gives Blond Favreau a little pep talk about why he shouldn't push away his wife even though she's knocked up with another dude's baby, and Blondie's like, "Eh, I'll think about it."

In Lucretia's bedroom, Crisco's like, "What's up, lady?" He throws her down and ... uh ... does what Old Navy told him to, even as Old Navy looks on. Whoa. Uncomfortable.

Afterwards, Old Navy's like, "Good job, dude! High five!" But Crisco's all, "Eh, they're still going to send me away. I'm totally bumming."

In the baths, Spartacus is having a think when Kirkdouglacus comes out of nowhere and tries to strangle him to death. Just as he's about to kill him, Crisco shows up and comes to the rescue. The two battle it out before Crisco finally knocks him out.

Spartacus asks why he saved him, and Crisco tells him since they're both gladiators, they're total brohans. When Batty comes back, he's pissed that such shenanigans are afoot, and Lucretia points out that it was Crisco who saved Spartacus.He decides not to sell good ol' Crisco.

When Paris arrives, she sees they've crucified Kirkdouglacus, after removing his most prized body part. G-r-o-s-s. She asks if he said why he attacked Spartacus, and Batty and Lucretia say no.

But come on. They are SO onto that beeyotch. Can't wait to see what happens next!