Well, faithful readers, last episode we got love, so this episode, Spartacus: War of the Damned gave us hate. And buckets of it.

Romans were slaughtered by the dozens. A woman was horrifically brutalized by a Germaniac and his friends. A beloved character—well, at least one with a terrific head of hair—died horribly. And Tibby—our poor, sad little travel-sized gay—Tibby had to finally grow up and realize that his father is not perfect and the world can sometimes be a cruel and horrible place. Geez. I haven’t been this sad and upset since the Tony Committee cruelly snubbed the cast and creators of Victor/Victoria, forcing the one and only Dame Julie Andrews to turn down her own nomination. Egregious indeed!

Our scene opens with ancient Rome’s own pirates of the Mediterranean unloading a shipment of wine that “fell off” the back of a Roman truck. Hark! If you listen closely, you can hear the pirates sing a jaunty work tune: “I am the very model / of a flea-infested sailorman / When in port I’m straight / But at sea I take it in the can.” Ahh, sea shanties. Don’t they just capture the melodic rhythms of the ocean beautifully? Someone drops a flagon of wine and the assembled slaves respond like Pavlov’s dog hearing the Liberty Bell. Geez, Spartacus! What are you feeding these people? Oh, turns out he’s not feeding them much, which is the problem.

Crixus seems especially irritable with the food situation. Someone clearly likes his three square! Still, his mullet is really growing in. Hey, Crixus, we all understand that you’re a rebel (without a comb,) but now you’re starting to look like you should be chasing a pair of good ole boys who ride around in the General Lee. How about finding a ‘do that’s a little less “1970s-era redneck” and a little more “tempestuous ancient Gaul”? But instead of running a comb through his feathery hair, Crixus and Naevia spend most of their time ragging on Spartacus about killing the remaining Roman captives. Broken record much?

Everyone’s favorite ancient power gays, Agron and Nasir, work the front door to the club—err, the city, as more and more slaves arrive every day, in search of freedom, a chance to chart their own fates, and 10% off well drinks on Wednesday nights. Everyone coming in through the gate must show his or her mark, including one “healthy” young woman who shows off the “BX” on her chest, which I can only assume, given the ample nature of the woman’s frontal parts, must stand for Boobies Times Ten (wasn’t that a British boy band a few years back?) Ahh! But who is that sneaking in behind Busty McGigantius? Why, it’s none other than blond, scruffy Caesar, putting on the guise of a slave and sneaking in the through the front door (I once knew a guy who liked to put on the guise of a slave and sneak in through the back door, but that’s hardly relevant at the moment.) Suddenly, an alarm is raised! Romans! Romans in the city! Spartacus goes all WWE on their asses, and Caesar helps out by using his knife to separate one loyal Roman from both his life and about 17 pints of his blood. Yikes. Someone clearly has issues… The rebels demand to see Caesar’s brand, and he lifts up his tunic (yes!) to show off his diaper (boo!) and a ragged missing hunk of skin, which he claims is where he used the knife to tear off his former master’s brand. Ahh, now we know what Crassus’ slave girl was doing with the knife. I am instantaneously relieved (and, perhaps, mildly disappointed.)

Meanwhile, at Camp Crassus, Sabinus and Tibby discuss the latter’s daddy issues, made all the more splendid by the fact that Tibby is getting a wound check which apparently requires him to be generally completely naked. While we don’t get a shot of the goods, he still cuts a splendid figure. Crassus enters and Sabinus leaves. Crassus tells Tibby where Caesar is and what he is doing. It is clear Crassus was worried about his son and yet, at the same time, was not pleased about how he bungled the whole attack on Spartopolis. Methinks we have not heard the last of this.

Speaking of Spartopolis, Spartacus is having a council meeting, wondering why the Romans would bother sending so few men to try and sneak into the city. Spartacus wonders if one of the “slaves” was not as “slavey” as appears, and Gannicus, Crixus, and Agron believe that someone has been sent to assassinate Spartacus. This leads to a fascinating conversation about who would take over if Spartacus should “pull a Fantine” and keel over before the final act. In other words, if Spartacus is number one, then who is number two? Spartacus suggests based on smell alone Crixus must be number two, and that if he should die, Crixus will lead the Rebel Alliance against Darth Crassus and the evil Galactic Roman Empire. Agron promises to remain Spartacus’s shadow until the presumed traitor is found. Uhh, Dan Feuerriegel, if I start feeling nervous about my personal well-being, would you mind being my personal shadow, too? Both in and out of the shower? Or just in if that works okay for you?

Gannicus is still sore about the fate of the blacksmith Attius. Considering how many men he has seen die in the arena and how many men he has personally sent on to Pluto, Attius must have been a heckuva good friend for Gannicus to brood as he is. Elsewhere, Nasir is helping to train more slave-soldiers, and Gannicus comes along and challenges various men to fight. Their theory regarding finding the secret spy in the midst is that a real Roman soldier could not hide his fighting ability, even if he wanted to, and this way they can ferret him out. Of course they mention this in earshot of Caesar, which seems to wholly defeat the purpose, but hey, no one’s perfect. Gannicus fights Caesar, who manages to hold his own for a while but loses both the sword fight and a tooth. Still, he grins from ear to ear, having managed to dupe the rebels into accepting him. He decides to play nicey-nicey with Nemetes in order to dig himself in even further into their good graces.

Spartacus grills Laeta about Crassus. She says that while she does not know him well, she imagines anyone with the ability to amass so much wealth must have some brains in his head. Has this woman ever met Donald Trump? Laeta also tells a story that shows Crassus to be as wily as Spartacus, and infinitely more well-groomed. Okay, quick programming note—Spartacus: trim the beard. It’s gone from “rough and ready” to “not taken a bath in a week” to “full of fleas, cockroaches, and a nesting family of cockatiels.” Ick. Anyway, as I was saying, Laeta is fairly beaming at the idea of Crassus’ men pouring into the city. Because everyone knows the safest place to be in a bloody war is in the middle of it.

Crassus finally has it out with Tibby over his failure at the battle, and Tibby looks positively green around the gills as his father coolly dresses him down. Tibby says he gave his men the order to stay but that they ran away. Crassus agrees that the men must be punished and recommends Decimation. Tibby sucks in his breath: they are going to do math homework as punishment? Holy Jupiter’s engorged appendage, Tibby just about drops a deuce at the thought of fractions and word problems about two trains moving toward each other at different speeds from opposite directions. Crassus looks exasperated and explains that he said Decimation, not Decimals. Suddenly Tibby feels better until he realizes that, now, one in ten of his men will be randomly selected and executed. That, apparently, includes Sabinus. Tibby is very unhappy about the situation, but stalwart Sabinus says they have to do it, that “they are soldiers and soldiers must always soldier on, soldier.” Hey, no one ever said Sabinus had a great vocabulary. The two hug and I find myself involuntarily shouting at the screen, “Do more than hug!” Seriously, I think both poor Tibby and I need the release.

Back in Spartopolis, we spy a slave orgy. Ho hum. Yawn. I don’t know, but somehow the slaves’ orgies just lack the same—je ne sais quoi—that the orgies at the House of Batiatus demonstrated. Maybe they lack flair. Or sophistication. Or maybe it’s the fact that the whole group looks like they need a serious delousing. I swear, if Spartacus is so worried about feeding his people, I think I know where he could find an abundance of crabs to eat.

Agron makes stink-eye at Castus the Friendly Pirate, while Caesar does his best to keep stroking Nemetes’ bruised ego. Nemetes is clearly not happy with the bennies and the 401K offered by the Spartacus group, and may be open to other offers. Caesar even gives him coin in exchange for his friendship. That’s like prostitution, only without any of the good parts. Way to work the room, Nemetes.

Sibyl comes across Laeta ferreting bread to the Romans she has hiding in her stables. Sibyl runs off and tells Gannicus and Saxa what she has seen. They run off to check for themselves. Meanwhile, I’m wishing this show had commercials so I could run to the kitchen for some celery sticks and tonic water—okay, some Little Debbie snackcakes and hot cocoa. I’m sorry, writing these recaps is exhausting work. I need to keep my strength up.

Meanwhile, Crassus makes sweet lovin’ to his mistress Kore, while Tibby and Sabinus play Parcheesi (seriously, they could at least French kiss—or, I guess, for the time period, Gallic kiss.) Kore tells Crassus that was the best ever, but it’s not like she’s his slave and probably has to say that every time, right? Oh wait… Still, it’s a steamy scene and there is plenty of full frontal all around. I swear, Crassus is not a bad looking man at all, and if you think the fact that he is the richest man in the entire Roman Empire sways my opinion on that, you are damn right. Kore speaks to Crassus and tells him he needs to stop treating Tibby like a boy. Crassus looks thoughtful. I’m getting nervous.

In Spartopolis, Heracleo is telling Spartacus to kill the rest of the Roman prisoners. Geez! Everyone keeps singing the same song and it’s getting even more annoying than “MMMBop!” (seriously, that song just ruined 1997 for all of us.) Elsewhere, Crixus confronts Nemetes but, it turns out, he has really sent Nemetes to spy on Caesar to see if he is the traitor. I’d almost say that was smart, but Nemetes is about as subtle and clever as a hamburger, so I doubt he’ll be able to root out Caesar’s true intentions. Heck, Nemetes would not be able to figure out the true intentions of a rutabaga.

Indeed, as his final test, Nemetes brings Caesar to Fabia, a woman he has squirreled away for his own amusement. Okay, now I am really hoping Caesar shows Nemetes the business end of his knife, and fast. Nemetes tells him to have his way with her and then slice another notch in her, as many others have done. Sick, sick, sick. Left alone with Fabia, Caesar comforts the woman and, when she asks for release, kills her. He shows Nemetes his handiwork, and the psycho looks pleased.

Preparing for his own hootenanny, Crassus gives a big speech before the Decimation, where he is all, “Dulce et decorum est / pro patria mori.” He announces that anyone who does survive the Decimation will be sent to the Follower’s Camp with the workers and the whores (which does he think his love Kore is?) He then turns to Tibby and tells him that he apologizes for not treating him like the man he is and then orders him to join his men. No! Not our Tibby! Tibby joins his men and they all select their stones. Tibby slowly opens his fist—he is safe. Sabinus, not so much. Tibby is heartbroken. So am I. Curse you, Spartacus producers.

In Spartopolis, Gannicus and Saxa have uncovered Laeta’s scheme and also found proof of Attius’ innocence. And Gannicus is very not happy about it. He tells Saxa to take the Romans to Spartacus and charges off after Naevia. He confronts her and Crixus quickly springs to her defense. They scuffle, and despite Crixus’ vaunted position as a big pile of Number Two, Gannicus gets the upper hand. Meanwhile, Nemetes gets knocked back and falls into the hands of Fabia’s captive brother, who wraps his chain around Nemetes’ neck. Caesar hesitates, and I’m hoping he just lets Nemetes die. For that matter, I might not be so upset if Gannicus finishes off cranky Crixus either. His hair-do, after all, died in 1989. But Caesar uses a knife to dispatch the Roman and save Nemetes and Naevia does the same for Crixus with a big rock. Incensed, Crixus orders everyone to kill all the Romans they want.

Elsewhere, in Crassus’ camp, Sabinus is stripped to his undergarments, and I have to say, Sabby is not flabby. I mean, damn, those are some serious abs. No doubt Tibby used those abs to grate his parmesan cheese (it’s Italian, after all.) Sadly, Tibby and the other soldiers pick up wooden clubs and use them to graphically and slowly beat their comrades to death. Poor Tibby is crushed, but we watch as he hardens before us and offers his companion (and presumed honeybunch) the fatal blow. Disgusted, Tibby turns to his father and says, “Your lesson well learned, Imperator,” which I am pretty sure is his way of saying, “Don’t expect a new tie on Father’s Day, jerkwad.”

In Spartopolis, Spartacus and Heracleo strike some sort of secret deal—they are up to something. I just hope they’re not working on a draft of the script of the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I’m sorry, but that franchise is as tired and flabby as a whale with Prader-Willi Syndrome.

Suddenly, Nasir and Castus burst in, informing Spartacus that Crixus and the others have lost it and are killing all the Romans. They run off but not before Agron gets pouty about Nasir hanging around with Castus. Meanwhile, Saxa is attempting to bring Laeta and the others to Spartacus. She is come upon by two other rebels, who sneer that, without Gannicus by her side, she is easy pickings. She proves them completely wrong (you go, girl!) but then more slaves, including Crixus, jump into the fray. Everything is bloody chaos and sheer insanity. I don’t know if hunger drove the rebels to this, but I have never seen a case of the munchies go so horribly wrong.

Things look super bad for Laeta until Spartacus shows up and stays Crixus’ hand—literally. Crixus tells Spartacus to kill her or else, and when he refuses, he says, “Are you cray-cray or what?” To which Spartacus replies, “Yeah, if I ever thought you leadership material.” Ouch! Spartacus leaves with the prisoners and Naevia and Crixus suggest that maybe it is time they forge their own path in this whole rebellion thing. Caesar, watching the dissension and havoc he has created, giggles in glee.

Oh, man! What a harsh episode. Sabinus falls at the hands of the man who he loves more than any in the world (I might be stretching that last one a bit without actual evidence, but I suspect there’s some fanfic somewhere that proves me right!) There’s clear dissension among the Big Four in the rebel camp, and Laeta is on everybody’s poop list. Things are not looking good for our heroes…and this time I mean more than their coifs! Here’s hoping Spartacus and company get some good news soon or, at the very least, a slave named Vidalius Sassoonicus wanders into their city!