A new year, a new excuse to spiff up your walls with by-the-month beefcake. While firefighters have arguably cornered the market on hunky annual planners, they are but the chiseled tip of an increasingly bizarre iceberg. Below we’ve shared a dozen of the strangest beefcake calenders (past and present) we could find.
NYC Taxi Drivers Calendar
Proceeds go to University Settlement, a settlement house serving thousands of immigrant families. While the above calendar man may be enough to rev your engine, I prefer the below picture, which might more accurately capture the condition that most taxi riders (not drivers) are generally in:
Hot Guys and Baby Animals
“Jason is 26 and enjoys playing with toys”? Well, at least they know their target audience!
NYC Freelance Art Handlers Calendar
Proceeds go to… well, one would assume that proceeds go to NYC freelance art handlers. Those tiny Christmas trees aren’t going to handle themselves, you know!
Celebration: Framingham Church Calendar
This was only available in 2012, but like the senior men featured in it, it will continue to ripen with age. (Naturally, this was a church fundraiser, and it sold out!) The perfect calendar on which to jot a reminder to oneself to become a Unitarian, because those guys clearly know how to party.
Kittendales Calendar 2015
Thank heaven that Kittendales is back this year to raise funds for a local animal rescue. Because if it weren’t, we would be unable to deal with the unexpected loss of the 6 Packs 9 Lives Calendar:
I hope for the model’s sake that a few of those cats were Photoshopped. (I’ll let you guess which ones.)
Wanted Hunks Calendar
Because nothing says, “Oh hey I have to remember to schedule my 6-month teeth cleaning…” like an old-timey photo of a bandit stripper.
Betty White Calendar
Okay, to be fair, this one was only made for 2011 but, like Betty herself, it is a classic. The proceeds go towards various animal charities, Betty’s lifelong pet project.
Men of the Stacks Library Calendar
In 2011, a group of male librarians conceived of this bookish beefcake calendar to raise funds for the It Gets Better Project. These guys put the “fun” in “Reading is fundamental.”
Men in Kilts
The only beefcake calendar in the world that can make a fanny pack sexy.
Liquid Plumr Calendar
Sadly, this promotion only ran for 2014, but it is worth being a few days off for an entire year just to see Rusty Joiner (I bet he ain’t!) dressed as a character from a gay porno.
This deliberately sacrilegious and salacious (“sacrilacious”?) calendar featuring Orthodox eastern Europeans aims to promote social tolerance. Am I the only one worried about what might happen to that rug?
Men of Mortuaries
Sadly, this calendar was only made for 2007 and 2008, as a fund- and awareness-raiser for breast cancer charity Kamm Cares. Am I the only one who needs to know if that poor mortician got his hearse to the internment on time?!
Men in Knitwear Calendar
And this digital-only calendar that provides knitwear patterns each month will be a huge relief to those who were crushed to see the “Guys with Yarn” calendar fall to the wayside: