Taylor Swift Didn’t Fart On Air At VMAs, Hulk Hogan Says He’s Not A Racist, “The Spongebob Musical” Is A Jukebox Wonder: MEME

Ontario touts modern SexEd class, author says Kray twins were incestuous, Supreme Court denies Kim Davis stay

Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan has gone on his apology tour for being caught saying racist things in his leaked sex tape. “I’m not a racist, I never should have said what I said; it was wrong, I’m embarrassed by it. The word was just thrown around like it was nothing. I was at the lowest point of my life to the point where I wanted to kill myself.” A few things here. I don’t think that Hulk Hogan is KKK racist, I think he’s just casually racist like a lot of people, and honestly that one is more dangerous these days, because it’s the casual racism that holds the line against taking extreme racism seriously. And why do celebrities always seem to be at suicide’s door at the time they were caught doing something awful, because we hear that over and over? Finally, you said some pretty homophobic stuff on that tape too, where’s the PR written apology for that, Hulk?

Justice Elena Kagan
The Supreme Court has denied Kim Davis’ request for a stay on the order that requires her to issue marriage licenses. Justice Kagan sent her request to the full court, where a mere three justices needed to agree to hear her request, and it was denied. I’d say you lost lady, but she lost the minute the Liberty Counsel decided to make a martyr out of her. As for whether she’ll comply with the court order tomorrow, according to Mat Staver, she hasn’t decided. “She’s going to have to think and pray about her decision overnight. She certainly understands the consequences either way. She’ll report to work tomorrow, and face whatever she has to face.”

Taylor Swift
After careful review of the tape, Gossip Cop has issued the following headline: Taylor Swift Did NOT Fart On-Air During The VMAs, Despite Rumor. Because obviously, Taylor Swift has 110% control over her bodily functions, and in any case, the sound of her farting is actually a new hit song every time, and if she had farted into a live mic, it would already be #1 on iTunes.

Prosecutors are dropping the sexual abuse case against HRC co-founder Terry Bean after the alleged victim has refused to testify against him. Lane County prosecutor Scott Healy says that the youth was distraught about the idea of testifying, and “We have made the decision that we would not seek to bring him back involuntarily.”

Spongebob Squarepants
Tina Landau says that The Spongebob Musical isn’t anything like The Lion King. “I was drawn to this project not only for its wild theatrical possibility, but also because I felt SpongeBob, at its core, is a layered and hilarious ensemble comedy. We’re bringing the show’s fabled characters to life through actors — not prosthetics or costumes that hide them — and we’re deploying some unconventional stage craft that will prove that anything can happen in Bikini Bottom.” The music for the show is coming from a variety of rockstars, including Jonathan Coulton, Dirty Projectors, The Flaming Lips, John Legend, Lady Antebellum, Cyndi Lauper, Panic! At the Disco, Plain White T’s, They Might Be Giants and T.I., Steve Tyler and David Bowie.

Miley Cyrus
The Parents Television Council, which has been predicting the end of the world since Miley Cyrus was announced as the host of the Video Music Awards is saying we’re all doomed because she flashed her nipple. “MTV had an opportunity to use its powerful VMA platform to stir a young audience to aspire to something positive and uplifting. Instead they chose to perpetuate blatant sexualization — much of it self-inflicted by the artists — and to celebrate the use of illegal drugs.” Honestly if you want something positive and uplifting on a Sunday night, turn off the TV and go to church and listen to a pastor talk about a God who hates homosexuals and is willing to kill everything on earth with a flood and start over. That always gives me a warm glow.

Ronnie Reggie Kray
John Pearson, who has written three books on notorious gangsters Ronnie and Reggie Kray, says the two of them had an incestuous relationship for years because they feared having gay sex with others would be perceived as weak. “Homosexuality was nothing to be proud of in the East End. But as they became more notorious, Ronnie became quite shameless about it. According to Ron in the early days they had sex with each other because they were terrified about people finding out.” He says the information came from Ronnie himself, but he chose to keep quiet about it until both twins were dead because he feared retribution. I doubt that Tom Hardy portrays that in the movie.

The Indianapolis Star is launching an aggressive campaign for LGBT equality in the state. Star Publisher Karen Ferguson Fuson said: “IndyStar is preparing this fall to launch an ambitious and aggressive editorial board campaign designed to persuade the governor and state lawmakers to expand Indiana’s civil rights law to include sexual orientation and gender identity.” She says that it will not affect the paper’s integrity. “As defenders of the First Amendment, this issue hits close to home for us. Fundamentally we stand against discrimination pointed at any Hoosier. We believe protections for all and religious freedoms can coexist.”

You know how in America, nobody talks about what’s in SexEd class? And everybody is happy, because nobody wants to discuss the pictures of STDs that they show you over meat loaf with mom and dad? Well, Ontario has revamped their sex education class to take on modern issues, from marriage equality to sexting, and wants everyone to know that the class is actually useful, so they produced this commercial for the class. What’s it like living in a country that’s practical about important things? I imagine it’s a magical place where sweet maple syrup flows through the forest.

What is it about guys and peeing sitting down? Why do they feel so emasculated? I for one pee sitting down at home, or basically anyone’s home that I know well enough to know it’s clean. Why stand and risk the cleanup of a split stream, or the splashing mess, or that the last couple of drops might dribble on the rug? My mom nearly dumped her boyfriend because there were always yellow spots from drippage on her new white bathroom rugs. So why do some of these guys fear the seated piss? I mean, sure, out in a nasty public restroom, a urinal is a great thing, but that’s about staying clean. Why would you not want to sit at home? Or why would you look down on someone who does?

People tell me all the time that cats are so smart, and dogs are dumb drool machines. From now on I will simply respond by playing this highlight reel of cats vs lasers.

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