“Teen Wolf” 3.07: One Alpha to Rule Them All

Previously on Teen Wolf, Danny’s nipples.

It’s a new day in Beacon Hills which means a new catastrophe is only moments away. Just kidding, the new catastrophe is now. There’s been a ten-car pile-up on a major thoroughfare and it’s chaos in the ER because, as usual, Melissa McCall is the only trained medical professional in this town. Scott’s hanging around the hospital also, feeding his mom fishes and loaves and taking away the pain of the car-crash victims that haven’t been treated yet. But everyone else’s miseries and deaths are just gonna have to wait because beautiful, beautiful Danny Māhealani comes hobbling in, supported by a completely freaked out Ethan.


I feel like we knew this scene was coming since the very first teaser trailer landed months ago, but we’ve lost two lesbian TV characters this summer and seeing Danny laid out on a gurney sent me on an emotional doom spiral like he was the third person in an OCD Druid sacrifice situation or something. His sternum is crushed and also he’s puking up mistletoe. Melissa correctly abandons all the other patients and does some medical things that make Danny’s lungs stop collapsing and his heart start beating. Scott and Ethan are impressed and grateful, and then they go outside and get into a bitch fight about who loves Danny more.

See, Ethan and Aiden went after Lydia and Danny on purpose when they came to town, because they knew one of them was going to be on Scott’s Scooby crew. Now they know it’s Lydia, so Ethan is free to fall in love with Danny and not feel guilty like he’s using him. While they’re sorting out the finer points of their affection for Beacon Hills’ sexiest unicorn, a car comes screeching into the hospital parking lot and crashes into some other cars. Apparently two doctors have been spirited away by moths, which means this week’s druid sacrifice is: healers.


So, Danny wasn’t a target of the alpha pack (because Ethan’s adoration is keeping him safe there, I guess) and he wasn’t a target of the Druid serial killer either (because that cuckoo bird is doing in doctors this week). Who is after him? Who knows? But Stiles figures out why someone tried to off him. His first plan is to visit Danny in the hospital and smack his face until he wakes up and offers some clues. But he is very out of it, so Stiles takes the liberty of rummaging around in his backpack.


Danny: [Adorably drugged off his ass] Dude, why are you rifling through my shit?
Stiles: Er, I’m not? This is just a dream? Yep. That’s it. A drrreeeaaam. Daaaannny, you’re dreeeeeaaaming.
Danny: Why would I be dreaming about you—
Stiles: Uh, why would you not be dreaming about me? Do gay guys not dream about me? Hey. Hey, wake up. Am I not homosexually dream-worthy?
Danny: Everyone everywhere on every notch on the Kinsey scale dreams about you, Stiles. I meant, why would I be dreaming about you digging through my school stuff?
Stiles: [Verbatim] I don’t know, Danny. It’s your dream. Take responsibility for it.

What Stiles finds in Danny’s backpack is some research he was doing about how Beacon Hills is a magnet for lunar rays. They’re extra strong here, pinging around all over the place and causing these pockets of lunar energy in the ground and whatever. It’s like the Hellmouth but for the moon. The Moonmouth. Apparently Mr. Harris tried to deter Danny from doing the project before he got garrotted in the woods during the ritual military people sacrifices.

And here’s an interesting tidbit: Chris Argent knows about the Moonmouth pockets all over town. In fact, he’s got his own map in his office where he’s marked that information, plus also the details of all the places the Druid serial killer has kidnapped people and murdered people. Oh, and the places where the Druid serial killer will kidnap people and murder people.  (Please, Lord Jesus, let that mean Victoria Argent is doing these killings as a zombie.) The camera lingers on Chris just staring at the map for like three minutes, and his whole deal is so sexy and so mesmerizing that you don’t even blink or look away or check your tweets or anything. If Teen Wolf did a full, single-take episode of him sitting in a chair reading a book, it’d still be a fine hour of television.


Allison calls Scott over to show him the map and also to rub up against him in the closet so he can get a boner and MTV can get cheeky and flash a #SomethingCameUp hashtag at us. (For the record, Scott’s an ass guy. Do what you need to do with that information.)


OK, so, the Druid is looking for a third healer to complete this week’s ritual killing exercise. Scott and Isaac try to stand guard over Melissa in the night, but they both fall asleep in a little cuddle pile on the floor like a couple of puppies. But the Druid isn’t after Melissa; it is after Dr. Deaton, who, even in the throes of being carried away on the wings of a hundred zillion moths can’t give Scott any actual information about anything. Instead, he calls him while he’s in Physics class — which, bizarrely, is being taught by literature professional and Derek Hale intercourser Ms. Blake — to say, “I’m going to be taken. Find me, K?”


Stiles and Scott rush on over to Deaton’s Home for Wayward Werewolves to find that Ms. Morrell and Sheriff Stilinski are already there. Scott thinks it’s time for them to come clean with the sheriff about the fact that it’s not a regular axe-murdering maniac that has hacked and slashed half the town’s population in the last six months, but is, instead, a cornucopia of werewolves, lizard people, Celtic bards, and a psycho family of mythical beast hunters. Scott’s mom freaked out at first too, but now she’s a great ally for them and knowing the truth makes it easier for them to protect her. Stiles hears what Scott is saying, and he knows in his brain parts that it’s true. But his heart parts couldn’t bear losing another parent, so he asks Scott to hold off a little longer.


They are doing such a good job with Stiles and Scott’s relationship this year. My issue with Scott was always that he was kind of shitty to Stiles, who is perfect in all the ways and constantly risking his actual life to keep his best friend safe. I love that they’re co-captaining Team Human this season and that their love for each other shines as bright as moon rays on a lunar landmine. It’s much, much, much easier for me to buy Scott as the lupine messiah when he’s not taking for granted our Lord and Savior, Stiles Stilinski.

Apparently that thing where you can only talk in parables and cryptic half-sentences is an affliction that runs in the family because Ms. Morell says if they want to find her brother, they should use the one person they know who is a legit supernatural detector. Did we already know Ms. Morell and Deaton were siblings? I don’t think we did. It doesn’t really matter, I guess. The important thing is that Lydia is part of the main quest again this week.


Actually, right this second, she’s on an expedition to get Aiden naked in the janitor’s closet at school. A fire alarm interrupts their make out funtimes and when they bounce up out of the closet, Cora appears and growls at Lydia to stay away from the Wonder Twins. Lydia is, hilariously, so over Cora’s whole brooding and menacing thing. She goes, “My last boyfriend was a homicidal lizard. I’m pretty sure I can handle a werewolf.” (Also, awesomely: “Do you know any spirits?” “Is she for real?”) Cora and Stiles try various ways to help Lydia tap into her transcendental tracking powers — a ouija board, psychic writing, tea leaves, orb gazing, dream journaling, sniffing Deaton’s keys and then sniffing the air like a magical beagle — but none of it works. Everything Stiles goads her into doing is straight off of Professor Trelawney’s Divination syllabus, and, honestly, Prisoner of Azkaban is probably where Stiles gets half his ideas.


With the help of Chris’ lunar module map, they decide that Deaton is getting hanged in that same vault where Boyd and Erica were held captive between seasons two and three.

On the other side of town, the Alpha pack has left Derek another one of those symbol messages on his window. Luckily, Derek has a PhD in fantasy semiotics, so he knows this gobbledygook means the Alpha pack is coming. Specifically, they are coming tonight. Cora is pretty freaked out, but Isaac and Boyd show up with a plan that calms her considerably. Which is weird because their plan is one of the dumbest ones ever. They decide to flood Derek’s whole loft and run electrical currents through the water and row around in little wooden boats until the Alpha Pack comes a-callin’. Boyd explains that the Alphas will electrocute themselves, especially the barefoot one. What could go wrong!


I’ll tell you what could go wrong: The Alpha Pack isn’t a bunch of morons, that’s what. Firstly, they cut the power. Secondly, they kidnap Ms. Blake and threaten to chop her up into tiny bits while Derek watches if he doesn’t agree to fight Kali all by himself. So Derek says he’ll do it. Ethan and Aiden hold Ms. Blake hostage while she screams while Isaac and Boyd continue to paddle around in their little canoes while Kali and Derek splash through the water in slow-motion and try to slaughter each other. You know how in Step Up 2: The Streets the only reason it rains and rains and rains is so everyone can look cool writhing around while they’re soaking wet? It’s like that, but more murder-y.

Team Human splits up to try to stop the madness. After a mini-battle with Duke, who’s just hanging around in the band room at school with his blind stick, banging it on everything and then using it to try to slice open Scott’s face, Scott heads on over to the bank to rescue Deaton. Unfortunately, the Druid serial killer made one of those mountain ash rings around Deaton’s hanging body, so Scott can’t get through, no matter how many times he smashes himself against it. In his final attempt, he pushes so hard that his eyes go from human brown to werewolf gold to Alpha red. Just when it looks like all hope is lost, Sheriff Stilinski shows up and shoots down Deaton like a cowboy! He says he recognized the Celtic symbol on the bank vault’s floor, but I think the good sheriff is about to crack the werewolf code.


Stiles and Cora and Lydia skedaddle to Derek’s to try to stop him from getting killed some more. They throw the power switches in the basement, which brings the water back to life, which doesn’t do anything to any of the werewolves, so, yeah, dumbest plan ever. During the chaos of the lights coming back on, however, Ethan and Aiden force Derek’s paws into the air and Kali throws Boyd on top of his claws. And you guys, it kills him. It kills him dead. It’s horrible. It’s so horrible. And in case you’re not traumatized enough by seeing the life drain out of his eyes and hearing him whisper that it’s OK, and that his werewolf life was his best life, Derek absorbs into his memories as he’s dying so we have to watch Erica die too. The music is like THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU! And Derek’s face agrees.

Cora and Stiles rush in to and see the scene and splash right into the agony. Cora throws herself on top of Boyd but Stiles goes straight to Derek. He reaches out and comforts Derek with a hand on his shoulder, and the way you know Derek accidentally really loves Stiles is that he doesn’t rip off his arm for touching him right now. (Ms. Blake: Still over there damsel-ing it up like a regular old Vicki Vale.)


Back in the bank vault, Deaton has some actual information for Scott that doesn’t sound like a note the Riddler would leave behind at a the scene of a rubber duck factory robbery. He says Scott’s eyes glowed red when he was trying to break the mountain ash barrier because Scott is a True Alpha. Once every century, a werewolf becomes an Alpha not by killing a bunch of other werewolves, but because he’s just a really good dude who takes away the pain of car crash victims and tries to solve problems with words instead of epic battles in abandoned malls and reads classic literature while doing one-armed pull ups. Deaton believed all along that Scott was going to be the One Alpha to Rule Them All.

That’s how come Duke really rolled into town. It’s not about Derek. It’s about Scott.


Allison also decides to get some answers. She pops on over to the bounty hunter retirement community to see Grandpa Argent. She’s like, “Surprised, old man?” And he goes, “Only that it took you so long to come knocking.”

Next week: Ms. Blake puts Ethan and Aiden in detention for kidnapping her, trying to kill her boyfriend, and murdering one of their classmates. Stiles and Lydia get into a verbal brawl when she says she thinks she’s smarter than Hermione Granger. Something awful happens to Derek because it’s a week and that’s his life. Everyone continues to forget to tell Danny that he’s making monkey with a bloodthirsty half-mutant. And Chris Argent sexily broods for fifteen sexy minutes at a blank wall, sexily.

Heather Hogan is a freelance writer/editor from Atlanta, GA. You can find her on Twitter (<a href="https://twitter.com/hhoagie">@hhoagie</a>) and <a href="http://heatherannehogan.tumblr.com/">on Tumblr</a>.