“Teen Wolf”: Cuddle Puppies

Previously on Teen Wolf, Stiles tried to have sex with a lady virgin, but before they could consummate their union, she got murdered to death. Stiles’ mind jumped to “human sacrifices/serial killer” because I guess he doesn’t know a group of people who have the power to raise enough money to hire a hitman to kill all the womens who would deflower him. Scott and Isaac and Derek ran through the forest for a hundred hours in an attempt to keep Boyd and Cora from eating up all of Beacon Hills in a super-moon rage. Stiles opened up a detective agency dedicated to solving crimes committed against the un-sexed. And Allison finally, finally, finally began to embrace the assassin life that made her mother so crazy/f-ing amazing.

We open on Dr. Deaton’s Home for Wounded Puppies and Half-Clothed Ice Baths. Despite the fact that all of the cats and dogs in his care committed suicide a couple of weeks ago, Dr. Deaton’s veterinary practice is still thriving. He performs a midnight check up on a little guy named Bullet, and if seeing a real live dog on this show scares you out of your wits, let me put your mind at ease: Bullet lives. But his dad, Kyle, dies immediately. Partly because the Beacon Hills serial killer is on the loose and partly because Kyle is dumb enough to crawl his ass underneath a dumpster in an abandoned alleyway in the middle of the night. He gets bitten and snatched and Bullet runs back to Deaton’s to cuddle up with Scott.

Ms. Blake lives in the high school, in case you were wondering. That’s the only way to explain why she’s grading papers and loitering in the boiler room in the dead of night and click-clacking through the halls in her TV teacher pumps before the break of dawn. Derek is waiting for her in her classroom, just to check on her, to see if she’s feeling OK, to see if getting trapped in a basement with a couple of pissy teenage werewolves maybe messed up her head a little bit. Ms. Blake tells him not to worry about it, that she was batshit crazy way before that incident, according to her therapist. Anyway, her main worry right now is that she has to teach The Crucible and she doesn’t have a lesson plan. Derek goes, “Oh, yeah, I love that one. I will bring a pointy reckoning that will shudder you!

Ms. Blake’s eyeballs nearly pop right out of her head. Derek excuses himself and she falls against her classroom door like she’s got the vapors, hand on her chest, trying to catch her breath, immediate daydreams of Derek Hale’s pointy reckoning.


In the locker room (hey, locker room! hey!), Stiles is fully undone about Kyle’s disappearance. He shivers and convulses and flails his arms around and asks Scott if the guy exhibited any signs of virginism because he himself is a virgin and virgins are getting garrotted all around town right now and his only chance of survival is to get sexed, to get sexed immediately, OK, someone needs to do all the sexes to him and they need to do it right goddamn now. Stiles slams his locker to punctuate his point and Danny is there, just a-grinning. He goes, “I’ll do it. Come to my house at 9:00. Plan to stay the night. I like to cuddle.” Like, those are his true exact words, the ones that were written into the script by a professional TV writer and spoken aloud by a professional TV actor on the network of MTV. Stiles is moved by Danny’s offer and also finally glad to have the confirmation that he is, in fact, attractive to gay guys. His face gets so sad when Danny tells him he’s only joking.

By the way, it’s not lacrosse season anymore. It’s cross country season. Coach Finstock is making the whole team participate because they’re getting so fat.


As the team lines up to start their morning run, the Wonder Twins flank Isaac and he realizes that they’re the same guys who fused themselves together to create MegaWolf back in the season premiere. Scott, whose senses haven’t been so attuned to another person’s heart since he was enjoying regular pointy reckonings with Allison, reaches out to Isaac: “Forgive the intrusion. It’s just, I can tell you’ve got a lot of feelings right now.” Isaac goes, “Those twins tried to kill me and now I’m going to kill them right back!” The twins run real fast and Isaac runs real fast after them and they run and he runs and it’s just run run run, until they collide in the woods, all slow-mo acrobatics and dubstep. One of the twins (sorry, I can only tell them apart when Danny is canoodling with one of them) offers to break Isaac’s face, but Scott shows up and breaks the twin’s face instead.

Their brawl is stopped short when they see kidnapped Kyle all bloodied and gross and tied to a tree with his dog’s leash. The students mill around and chat and eat some snacks and wait for the police to show up, and when they do, Stiles walks right on up to the corpse and makes his human sacrifice theories known to his father.

Sheriff Stilinski doesn’t believe him, and neither do Scott and Isaac. Isaac thinks the murders are for sure the Wonder Twins’ doing and Scott is inclined to agree because that’s the last thing he heard anyone say and Scott’s brain can only hold one thought at a time. Stiles goes, “Oh, you find it hard to believe that human sacrifices are real? ’Cause your eyeballs glow like little sunshines and you have fangs and wolf-face hair that comes and goes all willy-nilly, and I could stab you in the gut right now with this shiv I’ve got in my sock due to my need to protect my virginal life, and you’d heal up in a second!” Scott concedes Stiles’ point, as it is the most recent point that has been presented to him.


Hale Tower. Cora is carrying on the family tradition of doing half-clothed pull-ups and pushups to deal with life’s anxieties. She tries to get Derek to spar with her, but he says she’s still too weak from last week’s shenanigans, and also probably from returning from the grave and everything. Resurrection is exhausting. Their little family squabble is interrupted by those Alpha Pack dillholes, Kali and Ennis. Everyone beats the shit out of everyone else for a minute, and then Kali rips down a pipe from the ceiling and just goes ahead and impales Derek on it. Deucalion (lol, “Duke”) waltzes in and re-introduces himself to the Hales. He says Derek looks just like his mother.

Over at the high school, Allison sleeps the day away in class while Bianca Lawson swaggers around speaking French. Ms. Morrell tries to wake up Allison politely and Frenchly, and when that doesn’t work, she flash-morphs into Mrs. Argent(!!!!!!) and screams Allison’s name. Oh my God. If Mrs. Argent could somehow still be alive, even just as a zombie or a ghost or something like that, I would be giddy. That bitch was everything. Remember when she sharpened that pencil? Remember when she stared at us through our TVs and half of our houses caught on fire? After class, Allison and Ms. Morrell glare at each other and demand to know what the other one was doing at the abandoned bank the other night and finally agree that they have arrived at an impasse. Also: Detention, sleepyhead.


Adrian Harris is still alive and well and being an asshole to his biology and/or chemistry students. Actually, no. I think he’s teaching physics this season. Anyway, in class, Scott tells Isaac not to kill the Wonder Twins anymore until Stiles figures out what’s going on and comes up with a plan to save them all, but Isaac is legitimately vibrating with rage, so he excuses himself to the loo to plot the demise of his foes. Scott tries to follow Isaac to the restroom because he is determined to make his relationship with Isaac even more homoerotic that Derek’s relationship with Stiles, but Mr. Harris tells him his bladder will literally have to burst before he is excused.

(Danny, meanwhile, is wearing the v-neckiest shirt you have ever seen and explaining momentum like, “It’s mass times velocity, so, for example, if something huge — say fandom’s love for me —  starts picking up speed — like if I were to get an actual on-screen love interest or something — the momentum would be unstoppable.”)


Out in the hallway, Aiden the Twin beats the hell out of Ethan the Twin, and the reason I know who’s who is because everyone swarms into the hall to see the fight — they think Isaac throttled Ethan, of course — and Danny rushes Ethan’s side and caresses his bloody face and gives Isaac the meanest look. Scott gets pissed at the twins too when he overhears Aiden making plans to hang out with/kill Lydia.

Stiles has gone rogue, though. Scott and Isaac’s amateur hour hijinks aren’t getting the job done fast enough, so he tracks down Kyle’s girlfriend and flat-out asks her if the guy was a virgin. She slaps his beautiful face so hard. Then she tells him no, Kyle was not a virgin. You know what’s amazing about this episode? Besides the fact that the girl whose boyfriend was brutally murdered like ten minutes ago took the time to explain her sex life to a dude she’d never seen before? The fact that half of these kids just saw the hacked up body of one of their classmates lassoed to a tree on the cross country trail just outside their school, but they’re still going about their day, business as usual. Sheriff Stilinski thumps Stiles on the head and tells him to go back to class and stop sticking his adorable little button nose into all this police business.


Guess who gets paired up together in detention? Yep, it’s Isaac and Allison. They shut themselves in a janitor’s closet to do their chores and also to start sorting out the inevitable on-screen threesome they will enjoy with Scott before this season is over. Allison sort of apologizes for stabbing him a hundred times with Chinese throwing stars and Isaac sort of accepts her apology, but then they realize someone has trapped them in the closet and Isaac reacts exactly the way you’d expect a caged-up teenage werewolf to react after he spent most of his youth locked in a freezer. He very nearly ruins the threesome for everybody by almost slicing open Allison’s throat, but Scott hears the terrified hearts of his two loves and rescues them. Pointy reckoning still in play!

Also paired up are Lydia and Stiles, whose latest theory is that Beacon Hills’ human serial killer is sacrificing people in threes based on specific similarities. Round one was virgins. Round two is people with little dogs. Lydia rolls her eyes, not only because “little dog owner” is the lamest reason for cult killings she’s ever heard of, but also because you can’t predict a pattern based on a single data point, OK? And she should know. Her IQ is 170 and she’s wearing a blue button-up embroidered with red wiener dogs. She tells Stiles to let the sheriff do his job for once in his life.

Does this whole episode feel like it was filmed outside in the golden hour? Or maybe the sun is so happy to see Dylan O’Brien’s face it’s shining extra special on him today.

Allison, once again, proves that she has all the makings of a winged vigilante when she takes apart Ethan’s bike and hot wires Aiden’s bike and gives Isaac riding lessons in about ten seconds. Gods, I love her this season. Please keep being a badass and not Scott’s Forlorn Girlfriend. Isaac rides Aiden’s bike into school, which makes him go berserk. He runs into the hallway and demands it back and Isaac back-flips off it, all, “Sure thing, buddy!” So of course by the time Ms. Blake sees the bike, she thinks Aiden brought it inside.


Oh, those rascally werewolves and the games they play!

The next place Stiles goes sleuthing is the memorial cork board the students have started for dead Kyle. As he’s examining it,  Vernon Boyd lumbers up and says, “I’m just going to leave this plot point right here. It’s an ROTC postcard or whatever. Because Kyle was a military guy.” Stiles registers that plot point into his noggin and heads on over to Dr. Deaton’s to ask if he maybe wouldn’t mind dropping some of his patented exposition a little earlier in the season this year. Deaton is happy to oblige. Beacon Hills’ serial killer is killing in threes like the Druids of yore, but it’s not really a Druid who’s doing it here, it’s a copy-cat Druid, someone who should know better.


While Deaton is saying “Druid” a thousand times and explaining as slowly as possible that it means “wise oak,” Lydia is sitting in the music room drawing a picture of a wise oak. Everybody skips class early — including Danny, who plays the trumpet (we are learning so much about him today!) — because the teacher doesn’t show up, and that’s when Lydia’s misery senses start tingling. She gets that funny feeling that’s kind of like a sneeze that sometimes tells her when homicides are happening nearby. She finds a recording on the piano to confirm her suspicions: At first it’s just piano music, but then it’s the sound of someone getting strangled to the tune of sinistery culty chanting.

Lydia calls Stiles and together with Deaton they come to the inexplicable epiphany that round two of druid murders is actually: soldiers. The third soldier to get gutted is Aiden Harris, who whines that he did everything the serial killer asked him to do, and it’s no fair that he’s getting serial killed also, because they had a serial killing deal and now this serial killer is going back on it. And then he dies.

Isaac and Scott’s practical jokes culminate in an after-school face-off with Ethan and Aiden. The twins disrobe and mutate into the MegaWolf and go bananas. Luckily, good old Duke arrives and calls off Ethan and Aiden. He slashes them both in the face with the exacto knife he had installed into the tip of his walking stick, like blind guys do. They look properly chastised, and then, shirtlessly, they follow

Duke home from school.


And just where has Duke been all day? Oh, he spent most of the afternoon monologuing at Derek while Kali kept him impaled on that pipe. Most of it was just boring information about how you become a part of the Alpha Pack by killing your own pack and absorbing their powers. (Too bad none of Duke’s pack had the power of eyesight.) He wants Derek to join the Alpha Pack by killing his own pack and when Derek refuses, he whips off his sunglasses and stands in front of the window and calls down lightning and screams, “I am the Alpha of Alphas! I am the apex of apex predators! I am Death, destroyer of worlds! I AM THE DEMON WOLF!” It’s no “MOUNTAIN ASH!!!” but it’s pretty good.


In the end, Duke leaves Derek alone to think about his life and his choices, and Derek decides he’s got to get rid of Isaac to keep him safe. So that night, during a raging thunderstorm, he Harry and the Hendersons his favorite little wolf pup, throws a glass at him and everything, and makes him leave his home.

If you guessed that Isaac would show up at Scott’s door in a soaked-through white t-shirt asking for a “favor” before the season was over, you were correct.

Next week: Scott discovers that Isaac likes to be the big spoon, Stiles hypothesizes that the third round of druid murders will be “people who pick the nuts out of Rocky Road ice cream,” Derek takes Ms. Blake to coffee to take his mind off his sads but ends up crying into his latte the whole time, and Danny goes back into hibernation.

And special programming note: check back later today when TheBacklot posts the first in our series of Teen Wolf paper dolls by artist Andy Swist. Print them out, cut then em out and write your own adventures!

Heather Hogan is a freelance writer/editor from Atlanta.